Saturday, October 30, 2010

Friday comes too fast.

It should be no surprise that I'm not the most excited person to dress up for Halloween.  If I am going to draw attention to myself -- I'd rather not be dressed up as a clown while doing so. There's also the whole part about Halloween that I just don't see anything positive being celebrated by people walking around as witches, skeletons, and zombies. It's also silly to tell your kids all year not to take candy from strangers, and then send them to as many houses as their little legs can carry to ask for candy from strangers.  If I really am in the Halloween Grinch mode, I could also go into the history of the "holiday" and how it really started.... but I don't want to be too preachy. 

Suffice it to say Halloween is not my favorite holiday. 

And therefore, I have not been ultra prepared for it.  On Thursday night, Carolina starts asking me to come to the Halloween party at school tomorrow, and do we have any crowns she can wear as part of her costume. It's 8:30 at night and I am working on editing the photos of a wedding that I've promised will be ready for proofs this weekend. 

As Carolina is talking, I am thinking"Why are they celebrating Halloween in the middle of the week?  I don't understand why they would have the kids dress up already? Tomorrow is Wednesday, this is crazy.  Why don't they wait til Friday for the Halloween parties?"

Then, the kids all clue me in.
"MOM!  It IS Friday tomorrow.  Today is THURSDAY!"

News to me!  I don't know where my brain has been all week but I am completely thinking that I still have 3 days to figure out costumes AND finish editing several hundred photos I've promised would be ready. Why am I always doing stuff like this???

Gratefully -- Amanda came to the rescue!  She turned my little girls into fairies, and hot glued smarties to pants for two of the boys turning them into "Smartie Pants". The other three went as cowboys and a cowgirl. All while I edited away.  So -- thanks Amanda!!

And here is a sneak peak of Shawn and Ananda's very non-traditional wedding.

Vows...



Family Medallion


Remembering Mother...








Saturday, October 23, 2010

Teacups

You know the Alice in Wonderland "Teacup" ride at Disneyland?  The one where you sit in the teacups and they spin one way real fast and then the larger part of the ride that the teacup is sitting on is spinning the opposite way? It's supposed to be fun but really it isn't because your body and head get so confused that just from looking at it - your lunch wants to revolt and your stomach turns inside out.

Well, that's how life feels lately.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of really good things happening lately. And there are a lot more great things coming our way, I'm sure.  Just like the ride LOOKS pretty and fun when it's holding still and you really are able to stand in one place and look at the different parts of it.  There are good things with Ryan's job, sheesh, the fact that he has a job is a good thing. Amanda is here, and that's a great thing! Let's face it, I have some pretty awesome kids too, and all of them are healthy and doing well.  I have friends and family who love and care about me, I have nothing to complain about, and I'm not complaining.

The teacup ride in my life is more coming from inside my head.

My heart is reaching in one direction, my life is spinning in the other, both seem to be going positive directions, and I have no control over changing the direction of either, though I'm not necessarily sure I want it anyway. Strangely at times, they seem in synch with each other, simply because I feel my Father's hand guiding each. But here's the deal...

I'm really more of a rollercoaster girl than a teacup rider.

I'd just rather be moving forward instead of spinning round and round, even if sometimes I'm holding on for dear life.  Partly I'm scared. Forward in either direction takes me farther from the other direction.  And yet both paths take me where I want to go. Still, while I shouldn't feel conflict over the choices before me - I do.

And while my life is spinning, my emotions ARE on the rollercoaster, and that's that part that's hardest to take. I'll be energetic and capable one moment, and deflated and weighed down the next. I'll be filled with encouragement and hope one moment, and paralyzed by inability and concern the next. I'll be enjoying the kids and happy at the interaction one moment, and overwhelmed and needing a minute to myself the next.  The teacups I know, need to spin a while longer.  If I try to speed the process up, I'll just end up with flying saucers and broken glass, and that's no good for anyone.  I trust that before too long, everything will be sorted out. I won't be left spinning forever.  But the next moment my heart seizes with fear that I will be spinning for what feels like forever even if it isn't -- or that I'll at least be dizzy.

Move forward in this direction? Or that direction? Sell the business? Or give it time hoping something else will work out? Pursue another job? Cut back on the ones I've got? Continue the long distance but more stability? Or have him working closer to home, but who knows for how long before the work runs out? Put effort into particular friendships? Or let the house go and move back near the friends who I miss so much?  Pay this bill? Or that bill? Let this one go? Or that one go? To curl up in a ball on the couch? Or push past that instinct to become something else?

I don't know.  I'm tired.

Maybe the teacups will stop spinning while I sleep.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Cake Boss

Ry's been out of town for most of the past month. And when he's gone, I'm not really myself. Or maybe I'm my true self... hmmm.  Either way -- I have let stress take over my life and heart and I have not been ready yet to sit down and do some introspection and sort out my heart and mind.  Instead, I've watched both seasons of Cake Boss on Netflix.  Yes, every episode. Pretty interesting show - although I am a bit of a baking addict already -- he definitely has some stuff I'm going to try.

I have done a couple good things though.  I went through the kitchen, dining, and family room and deep cleaned and dusted. A chore long overdue.  We weren't sure if I had a grey fan or a white fan in the kitchen! (It's white again. Yay!)

Well -- that's my boring blog post for the day. Someday soon I'll get back into a good blogging mood. Maybe it will be the same day I want to pick up my camera again :) 
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