Saturday, October 23, 2010

Teacups

You know the Alice in Wonderland "Teacup" ride at Disneyland?  The one where you sit in the teacups and they spin one way real fast and then the larger part of the ride that the teacup is sitting on is spinning the opposite way? It's supposed to be fun but really it isn't because your body and head get so confused that just from looking at it - your lunch wants to revolt and your stomach turns inside out.

Well, that's how life feels lately.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of really good things happening lately. And there are a lot more great things coming our way, I'm sure.  Just like the ride LOOKS pretty and fun when it's holding still and you really are able to stand in one place and look at the different parts of it.  There are good things with Ryan's job, sheesh, the fact that he has a job is a good thing. Amanda is here, and that's a great thing! Let's face it, I have some pretty awesome kids too, and all of them are healthy and doing well.  I have friends and family who love and care about me, I have nothing to complain about, and I'm not complaining.

The teacup ride in my life is more coming from inside my head.

My heart is reaching in one direction, my life is spinning in the other, both seem to be going positive directions, and I have no control over changing the direction of either, though I'm not necessarily sure I want it anyway. Strangely at times, they seem in synch with each other, simply because I feel my Father's hand guiding each. But here's the deal...

I'm really more of a rollercoaster girl than a teacup rider.

I'd just rather be moving forward instead of spinning round and round, even if sometimes I'm holding on for dear life.  Partly I'm scared. Forward in either direction takes me farther from the other direction.  And yet both paths take me where I want to go. Still, while I shouldn't feel conflict over the choices before me - I do.

And while my life is spinning, my emotions ARE on the rollercoaster, and that's that part that's hardest to take. I'll be energetic and capable one moment, and deflated and weighed down the next. I'll be filled with encouragement and hope one moment, and paralyzed by inability and concern the next. I'll be enjoying the kids and happy at the interaction one moment, and overwhelmed and needing a minute to myself the next.  The teacups I know, need to spin a while longer.  If I try to speed the process up, I'll just end up with flying saucers and broken glass, and that's no good for anyone.  I trust that before too long, everything will be sorted out. I won't be left spinning forever.  But the next moment my heart seizes with fear that I will be spinning for what feels like forever even if it isn't -- or that I'll at least be dizzy.

Move forward in this direction? Or that direction? Sell the business? Or give it time hoping something else will work out? Pursue another job? Cut back on the ones I've got? Continue the long distance but more stability? Or have him working closer to home, but who knows for how long before the work runs out? Put effort into particular friendships? Or let the house go and move back near the friends who I miss so much?  Pay this bill? Or that bill? Let this one go? Or that one go? To curl up in a ball on the couch? Or push past that instinct to become something else?

I don't know.  I'm tired.

Maybe the teacups will stop spinning while I sleep.

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