Monday, November 22, 2010

My Mercy

Braelin fell asleep early tonight as I stroked his back in front of the fireplace, and later as I snuggled Jonnie up in his blanket and laid him down to sleep, he asked me to sing to him. And so, of course, I did.

I love singing to my kids. Ryan told me years ago that the kids would never remember if Mom sang a bit off tune to them, but they would always remember that she sang to them. For a very long time when we lived in Roosevelt, I would sit out in the hallway between their two bedrooms after evening prayers and sing hymns and lullabies. Many times Ry would come home after working into the evening and sing with me.  Good memories.

Tonight after Jonnie went to sleep, I kept on singing a few more hymns and Mercy grabbed a book and started singing with me. All the rest of the kids are up in Salt Lake with Amanda, so it was just me and her, singing away. No piano, no audience -  I loved it.  I hope that she does remember that we sang, and that I love her.

Thanks for being my Mercy Angel.

Mom

Monday, November 15, 2010

11:00 and All's Well!

Do you remember watching Disney's Robin Hood as a kid?  Ry's sister Barb bought it for our family when we were little and it never ceases to entertain me.  I don't know how many hundreds of times I have watched that and still love every bit of it.  Okay, so that has nothing to do with my post except for the part where the Nutsy is on guard duty and yells out "All's Well!"

Everything IS much better today.  I only got woken up three times last night by the kiddos, took another nap this morning, and another this afternoon. Sleep always helps.  And a nice conversation with my man helped too.

And I realized that it might be helpful for y'all to know really where I'm at. On a scale of 0-100, with 0 being no depression whatsoever and 100 being properly diagnosed as clinically depressed and in need of intervention.... I was at about 1,000 for 18 months after Jonnie was born and my anxiety levels were at 10,000.  Yesterday -- I was about 20. Today, I'm at a 1.  No big deal.

Today I laughed, I joked, I sang. Three songs in fact -  all with my kids. We played Boggle and listened to Carolina give her oral report on the Statue of Liberty for Family Night, after reading the prophet Joseph Smith's teachings on prayer. I played hide and seek with Jonnie and his blanket before bedtime, went shopping with Tali and Ty, and bought posterboard to make Daisy's student of the week poster with.

And,  I got a call back on an application and set up a job interview for tomorrow. Wish me luck, I might just get it.

Life is good. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Seizures

Taliesin had another seizure yesterday morning. Many of you might remember that he had some about a year ago, and after mega testing, nothing could be found wrong.  The doctors decided that it was his response to injury or perceived trauma.  Gratefully, that's all it is.  No major medical issues, he just goes into a seizure when another person might get a bit dizzy or possibly faint.

It stresses me out. Big time.



I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again.  This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too.  After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.

I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens.  I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.

But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.

You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in.  I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.

I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress.  I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this.  I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.

I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out.  It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this.  I'll be okay.  I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today.  I miss him so much.

Typing and writing it down helps though.  I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps.  I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful.  Ever so grateful.

I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy.  It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Falling Leaves

Outside, the leaves are falling. Of course, you know this. Who could not notice the brilliant shades of yellow, orange, and red that are beginning to cover the leaves. Well, I suppose for those of you up north you saw all this long ago and your trees are bare... but down here in the land of sunshine, it's still happening. I love autumn leaves and autumn colors. I love that the change is so visible, and so beautiful. From a distance, the whole tree is alive with vivid color. Mountainsides look warm and bright with clusters of flaming autumn leaves.

If you walk into our house and look into the family room, you'll see great big paper autumn leaves hanging all over the wall.  It's our family project for the next two weeks... not letting helpful things people do "fall" unnoticed. We are to write down anything those good deeds we see others do on the big leaves for everyone to see. It's kind of fun to see what the kids notice. My hope is that this will begin to effect a change within our family that is also visible, and beautiful.  Not that my kids aren't great and helpful already, but our family is ready for a new season. I hope it is one of brilliant shades of giving, loving, and helpfulness without being asked.

I'm also ready for a change within my own heart.  One with more temperance, more patience, more compassion, more smiles. One with fewer loud voices, fewer demanding tones.  I hope the summer shades of rich green life mellow to warm tones of sweet honey, glowing amber, soft brown sugar, and rich cranberry.

Walk with me through the autumn time with warmth in your heart for all mankind. Be good and kind, and helpful, and true. May there be peace in me, and peace in you.
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