Tuesday, September 20, 2011


I had a realization today that is still settling in, still tossing and turning around in my head.

I could feel it before I could say it.

I realized that sometimes having holes in a heart allows it to stretch farther and wider than it ever could before. I was amazed really, when I stopped and considered how one heart can wrap around and reach so many places... so many people. And thankful.

And once I began to think about it, I was left with tears streaming down my face. Tears, because for all the holes my heart has, it is still worth something. And for all the pain I watch in others, there is still good that comes of it.

It is God's gift really, and it made me think that the holes in our Saviors hands and feet, and the wound in his side are just one one of the many ways he loves us, and heals us. It is a showing of the many gifts He gave us. Love. Repentance. Faith. Hope.

Who am I to be angry at the holes in my heart, when the Savior bore the suffering and pain of the world and everyone in it?

Something else occurred to me, too. I suddenly realized that because there are holes in my heart, they allow the pain to drain out. I could plug up the holes... but then I wouldn't be able to release the pain.

For once... I'm not angry that the holes are there, and the hurt isn't quite so great.

I am more able to forgive the ones who put so many of those holes there. I am more able to let go of the anger and rage at myself for not being complete, and perfectly without holes.

It feels good to let go.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Do you ever get to the point where you have so much rolling around in your heart and brain that none of them have an outlet? You try to write and you end up erasing your sentences and changing your topics as fast as you can type and delete?  I went to write a Facebook status update and ended up typing and deleting about 8 of them before I finally gave up.

It's not a matter of things being to difficult to process... or even xtreme in their need for processing, but more just the sheer number of things going on in my head at once. All of them important. All of them evoking emotion. All of them, all at once.

I'm trying to narrow it down to just one at a time so I can think it through, identify, process and resolve.

Easier said than done.

But I've got to do it... and all of cyberspace doesn't need or especially want to hear about every detail.
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