Sunday, December 2, 2012

Blogging again

I've decided to blog again, and I'll tell you the reason why.

It is because I have spent the past year keeping myself from being vulnerable, and the one who has missed out most -- is me. In keeping myself safe, I kept myself alone too. And the truth is, I'm humbled at the hands that have reached out to me, the lives and hearts that have touched my life, the friends and strangers that have been there for me, even as I've kept myself reserved. I want to be that for other people. I

In no particular order... I want to give a huge thanks to the following people.... and to hundreds of others who have been in my life this year.

Joe, Alina, Vicki, and Valerie Darger, your love, friendship, guidance, honesty, and help has had no bounds. Thank you for always making me and my feel right at home in your home. I will forever be thankful for you in my life and there are not enough words to express my love.

Cody Gibson, for spending time away from your family and helping me to see that there is more in me than I often think there is, and helping me find the courage to be me.

Dirk Shumway, for reaching out when you didn't need to, spending more time then was called for, and truly supporting me.  You've given me sincere compassion while helping me find strength.

Udi Upalawatte and the Landmark Forum. I am sure I am only barely seeing the impact and I know the ripple effects will be felt for years and years in thousands of lives.

My Bumblebee, Joseph Darger, for having the courage yourself to stand, transform, and share.

Karey Farwell, you kept me going more than you'll ever know. Thanks for being there. Love you!

AJ Hunt, your wisdom and strength and warm heart helped me so much. Thank you!

Zach Ewing, and Steve Mangelson... you both gave me encouragement with real estate. I wouldn't be where I am without each of you. Thank you!!

And also to Ryan, for being in action in your life. Your greatness knows no bounds.

Being Mean

Jonnie and Braelin were sitting on my lap as I rocked them back and forth.  Apparently bored, Jonnie reaches over and starts tickling Braelins nose and putting his hand all over Braelins face.

Braelin:  Jonnie don't!  Stop it!  Jonnie!  Don't do that!!

Jonnie with a smile on his face, keeps on doing it.

Braelin:  JONNIE!

Jonnie keeps on doing it.

Me:  Are you teasing your brother Jonnie?

Jonnie:  Nope.  I'm being mean.

Me;  Why?

Jonnie, still smiling:  Cuz  :)


September 2012

A friend requested once again tonight that I blog again. She said she missed my blog and always enjoyed reading it. I appreciated her asking, reminding me that sometimes what I wrote was good. I don't know what all happened, I started slowly shutting down, feeling more and more vulnerable, and quit posting. Then a little bit of hell broke loose, and I completely shut down.

 It's difficult for me to open up. It's brutally painful to be vulnerable. And yet, I know when I am, it is really me that shows, my true self, and perhaps that is why some people enjoy my blog. I am me. Not always pretty inside, not always right or good. Viciously flawed in many ways, but still, me. I can't hide me on this blog. Otherwise, what's the point of writing. For me, writing clarifies, expresses, and unravels. Sometimes the rawest emotion, the biggest obstacles, and the most difficult challenges seem to be less expansive, more surmountable, and easier to swallow.... after I write.

And yet, there are times when the words simply can't be expressed. They choke in my heart, in my throat, and at the tip of my pen. To write and give them voice compounds the pain, tightens my chest, and catches my breath.  But only when I'm in trauma, and trauma's where I've been.

In February a blow struck my heart and my life that I couldn't get past. I couldn't believe. I couldn't make sense. I still can't, in many ways, but I am at least past the trauma. Mostly.

Trauma is such a simple word, and yet I think it is really not fully understood by someone who hasn't been in it or worked with someone in it for an extended period of time.   But that's okay. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. This is at least one area that I'm really okay not being understood. I am changed in ways I never dreamed. Changed by experiences I never thought would be mine. And, if I'm truthful, still slightly reeling from the shock.

It's okay. We're alive. We're moving through this. And slowly... moving to a place where I'm more okay with me.

Move past the past. Let new truths, and new possibilities begin.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I'm my best me when I'm with you
And when you're gone, a part of me is gone too

I miss the song on your lips
The smile on your face
The touch of your embrace
You pick me up when I am crying
Give me hope when I am dying
You hold me, hold me, when I can't keep trying

You can't keep leaving me
I can't keep not knowing when
Your heart will return My heart will return
You can't keep taking me away
Yet leaving me here to stay
Without you
Without you
Don't leave me again

Friday, January 6, 2012

Random Thoughts

Upward, onward from our depths
It's easier to take those steps
When where you're going is something you know.
When how to get there isn't painfully learned slow.

It hurts to breathe,
It hurts to not.
It hurts to stand in pain.
And yet to sit is not ok
I'm drowning in the rain.

The price we pay for stubbornness of heart
Is sure to show
The pain involved it torches us
From head, to burning sole.
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