Sunday, December 2, 2012

Open

September 2012

A friend requested once again tonight that I blog again. She said she missed my blog and always enjoyed reading it. I appreciated her asking, reminding me that sometimes what I wrote was good. I don't know what all happened, I started slowly shutting down, feeling more and more vulnerable, and quit posting. Then a little bit of hell broke loose, and I completely shut down.

 It's difficult for me to open up. It's brutally painful to be vulnerable. And yet, I know when I am, it is really me that shows, my true self, and perhaps that is why some people enjoy my blog. I am me. Not always pretty inside, not always right or good. Viciously flawed in many ways, but still, me. I can't hide me on this blog. Otherwise, what's the point of writing. For me, writing clarifies, expresses, and unravels. Sometimes the rawest emotion, the biggest obstacles, and the most difficult challenges seem to be less expansive, more surmountable, and easier to swallow.... after I write.

And yet, there are times when the words simply can't be expressed. They choke in my heart, in my throat, and at the tip of my pen. To write and give them voice compounds the pain, tightens my chest, and catches my breath.  But only when I'm in trauma, and trauma's where I've been.

In February a blow struck my heart and my life that I couldn't get past. I couldn't believe. I couldn't make sense. I still can't, in many ways, but I am at least past the trauma. Mostly.

Trauma is such a simple word, and yet I think it is really not fully understood by someone who hasn't been in it or worked with someone in it for an extended period of time.   But that's okay. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. This is at least one area that I'm really okay not being understood. I am changed in ways I never dreamed. Changed by experiences I never thought would be mine. And, if I'm truthful, still slightly reeling from the shock.

It's okay. We're alive. We're moving through this. And slowly... moving to a place where I'm more okay with me.

Move past the past. Let new truths, and new possibilities begin.


Love,
Me

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