Rainbows and Roses

Written November 2023

If I am so easily tattered and torn, bruised and beaten, sad and forlorn

Who holds the power, the key to go home?

The victim is raging the storm is within

I can’t fight the battle, there isn’t a win

But in the sweet essence of who I must be

A solar ray begins to lighten on me

The suns gentle rays can begin to warm up

The weather, the storm, the one that I lost

In spite of my folly’s the rain starts to show

That under the clouds there is this gentle flow

Tender red roses beginning to climb

The soft edges silken, so tender the vine

Where is the rainbow of my soul?

The one who clings to hope without letting go?

Each step feels like quicksand, each breath exhaled grief

The rainbow is coming. Hold on and believe. 

Collapsing Humiliation

Yesterday in my therapy session we identified how I am collapsing feeling humiliated with having it be my fault. That in some way by acknowledging the humiliation and feeling it that I am also to blame for what happened.  I am not sure how this started, or why … and it doesn’t really matter.  It was helpful to identify it. 

The fact is I feel humiliated and have many times.  It feels humiliating to have my private life not be private anymore, and feel the shame of anything I’ve done that could be judged.  It’s humiliating to feel the pain of where I’ve been and have it be blamed on me. 

Blame, shame, guilt, resentment... I've been told they are the lowest vibrational level of emotions. What is the highest? And what does that even mean?  I don't know, but now I can see I blame myself for the humiliation being possible. At least I have in the past.  

That gets to change, starting now.  I can feel humiliated without being humiliated. I am valid for feeling so, both for recent events and for what happened in the past with my ex.  It isn't something I've spoken about often but when I have I've just glossed over parts, minimized and simplified them.  It took me until just barely to really allow myself to begin to feel the depth of the humiliation, the hurt, the burn, the grief, the terror.

I get to feel it and let it go. It isn't me, and I've hung onto it for far too long.