Changes

Last year, for me, was a year of healing.  This year, feels like it will be a year of change.  Not just for my life, but for many of my friends and family too.  Not that last year wasn't full of changes... it definitely was.

One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.

My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment.  Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.

I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.

I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks.  I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake.  I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.

I also want Ryan home with us each night.  When we moved here, it felt like home.  It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years.  I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.

Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.

Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does.  Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships.  Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one.  Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.

Maybe.  But really, I just miss him.

I love you Ry.

No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part.  We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!)  I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon.  3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.


"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...


"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...

"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these.  Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...

"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

And then later...

"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"

Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning.  There really was a good reason for that headache I had!

But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.

Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.

Aches and heartaches

So I wake up in the middle of the night with a mean stomach-ache. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired I can't tell you how tired. I need my sleep. But no - I have a stomach-ache, and sleep is not easily coming.

This morning, I am finally sleeping, for a while at least. The little boys stayed home from church with me, so in between sleeping, I am also feeding Jonnie his Cheerios and milk. I finally drag myself out of bed when the bowl he brought me is emptied but I still don't feel like doing anything at all. Daisy has turned on "Cheaper By The Dozen" - the old version - which I love, so I put my contacts in and curl up on the couch to watch it with her.  I love the look on his face as he holds baby #12 and his wife looks over his shoulder down at the baby.  Such a precious picture of love.

When the movie is over I spy my computer. I feel like someone hit the back of my neck with a very big stick and my whole body feels swollen, but I can lounge on the couch with my laptop right?

Really, I feel awful, and want to do nothing but go back to bed. But as awful as I feel, I feel lucky too. My sweet friend Sheila told me yesterday that her daughter's husband is facing lymphoma. Cancer is such an ugly form of torture, and having the body aches is such a minimal thing to deal with when others face such life and death illness. I look at my husband sitting on the couch and think how blessed I am that he is healthy. And happy. This year has definitely had some major life changes for us both, but especially for him. He has struggled and it has been so heartwrenching to watch him.

And lets be honest. Sometimes I've just been super angry at him for the way he has dealt (or not dealt) with certain things.

But all of that doesn't matter when I see him crawl around the floor, laughing and chasing Jonnie.  Or when he wakes me up with a kiss to tell me goodbye before he leaves for work.  And the things I get upset about become completely insignificant and outright stupid when I think how it would be to face having him ill with cancer, and staring death in the face.

He's not. I'm grateful more than I can say. And my heart aches more than my body right now for my friend Camille and her family and the reality they face. So say a prayer for Camille and Ralph, and for their family.

I'm going to snuggle up on Ry's lap right now and enjoy the time I have with him.

BTW, the photos is from a day when he was being an impromptu model for me as I scoped out decent angles at a difficult location where I'll be shooting an upcoming wedding. He didn't realize I was taking a photo just at this moment though, and I liked it. SOOC without any editing, and horrible lighting, but it's a picture of him and I love it just for that.  He's so completely supportive no matter what hair-brained idea I come up with or new adventure I start out on. Thanks Babe!

Rachel