Ancient Sadness

 From 2024 after Grace

The ancient sadness in me

Is the opening of my depth

The way I love and care

It is the recess to the tapestry 

That connects my heart

To yours

And it isn’t bad

Or wrong

Or even heavy

It is depth

Without weight

Understanding

With empathy

Connection

Without tethering

Love

Without bounds

It is the fuel that feeds

The vibrancy in me.

What is the vibrancy

Full life

Effervescence

Of Who I Am

I am Caring

That shines the light

I am Generous

In creation of energy

Space

And understanding

Loving

With all the colors

Of the rainbow

Beauty

In the perfection of me

An aura of color

That surrounds

I fear what I don’t know. 

And while the fear is natural - it is who I will be when I am healed

And how life may change 

That scares me. 

I am a caring,

Generous

Loving

Leader

That will never change

And those around me will still be 

Who they are. 

Burn It All Down

 I wanna burn it all down

Throw it away

Give up and walk out

Scream and rage

Set fire to the pile

Of broken dreams

Break up with my heartache

And finally be free

But every time I do 

My tears drown it out

And I’m left in the rain of my own pain

Every time I yell I hope you finally hear

My heart breaking again

Fuck! When will it end?

The Light

And so, entrenched in deepest night, beyond the sunlight's glare,

We have a choice of pith or might, redouble or hold ensnare.

And be the burden far too great to reach beyond this step, 

For we are but a little mite, determined yet inept,

Tis then we must remember Him, remember in His grace

He holds us closer than we think. Look up and see His face. 

For he doth not rely on us to understand all things, 

His hand will steady, arms will hold, He'll be our warm embrace.

(Up to this point was written Oct 13 2011. Today as I re read it, I'm adding the next part. )

The conversations in our head

Bind us, keep us there

Feelings made of mud and muck

Familiar in embrace

The greatest love He has given

Is within us all

To step past mire and know inside

We've always been the power

Of choice and love, of letting go of shoulds and being right

To step past fear that holds us tight

Keeps us small and snared

Hidden from our light

To finally see the arms of Him

Have always been reflecting 

Who and what I've always been

And evermore will be

Caring and courageous love

Generosity of heart

The beauty that I see

Has residence in me. 

Vinegar and Honey

Hey there

How ya doin

Good lookin

How ya been 

You said you wanna get to know me there’s a few things you should know

Before you rip my heart in pieces when your ego starts to show

If you wanna get to know me

I gotta ask you how’s your skin

Is it thick enough to love me when my armor sets in

Cuz here’s the thing, my friend….

Here’s the thing, here’s the thing about me

I am vinegar and honey

With a dash of red cayenne

My edge cuts right through your bullshit

My spikes know just where to land

I’m spicy and I like it

Eat glass if you don’t care

For the woman that is all of me 

The dragon-lover-giver-friend with paint everywhere

Now you know 

You’ve been warned 

But   -  There’s more 

You gotta know

Damn I’m worth it

To be sure

There isn’t anyone one gods green earth who’ll love you any more 

And if you want the deepest love you’ve ever known then I’m your girl

But you should 

You should know

That I am oceans of emotions

And they’ll rock you every time

I wont just go through the motions

It’s real and raw and I

Might be too much for you

And if that small truth is true

That’s okay  That’s okay

That’s okay that’s okay 

Thats okay, but There’s the door

Cuz damn I’m worth it

To be sure

There’s nobody on god green earth who’ll love you anymore

And if you want the deepest love you’ve ever seen them I’m your girl

But you should know…. 

You should know

I am vinegar and honey

With a dash of red cayenne

My edge cuts right through your bullshit

My spikes know just where to land

I’m spicy and I like it

Eat glass if you don’t care

For the woman that is all of me 

The dragon-lover-giver-friend, the mother-artist did I mention dragon - with paint everywhere

Be the one

Little girl watching for her Daddy at the window

Waiting for the love she knows he'll bring

Be the one that reaches out

Be the one that lights the dark

Be the one that opens up the hardened heart to see

Be the one that reaches out

Be the one that cares enough

Be the one

Be the one

Be the one you want to see.

Girl Meets Boy

Girl meets boy

Boy falls in love.

Carrying her heart away… he promises

Crashes down

He breaks her heart

Tears are rolling, she’s come undone

If she holds onto the whisper 

That he’ll come around

If she holds onto the picture

Of what he threw down

Will he ever be the man he promised

Will he hold the weight

Of a thousand nights of heartache

rolling down her face

Stand up, stand up

show on up, stand up

Be the man you promised

Show up

You painted all the pictures 

Of The dream of who we are

Show on up, show on up

Stand and be

Show on up

Girl sees boy

Boy falls in love.

Carrying her heart away… he promises

Crashes down

He holds her heart

Tears are rolling, she is holding on so far

She held onto the whisper 

That he’ll come around

She held onto the picture painted

When the tears fell down

Will he be the man he promised

Will he hold the weight

Of a thousand nights of heartache

Please come kiss it all away

Stand up, stand up

show on up, stand up

Be the man you promised

Show up

You painted all the pictures 

Of The dream of who we are

Show on up, show on up

Stand up

Show on up

Vinegar and Honey

For many years I’ve been apprehensive to take on any leadership position where other people were involved. For years I’ve been told I steamroll, I am controlling, or been given unhelpful advice from people close to me, like my mom saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” with the insinuation being that is me…. Just vinegar.  I responded by conflating it to that’s who I am. Harsh. Controlling. Hurtful. Mean. Eventually I just withdrew from anywhere with a group. I withdrew from talking with people. I arranged my life to not need to be in a management position anywhere. It has been a process shifting the beliefs of who I am. 

I just finished up a weekend leading a team for Atlas Project ATX8 weekend. Leadership is seeing masterpiece and bringing it forth. I think this has been a different angle for me, as many times I’ve gauged leadership by getting things done.  I can get things done, but alienate people.  I can get things done, but the doing doesn’t feel nearly as fulfilling as knowing that while we did it, I also brought the best out in everyone around me.  Leadership is bringing alive the leadership in others, shining the light on what is there, bringing alive the beauty they are and the beauty they bring out in the world around them. 

I am depleted physically and emotionally right now, and also so fucking proud of myself.  My feedback now is “You call, I’m there. Just let me know when!” … and “You’ve changed my life, I’ll love you forever.”… and that I have “structured, loving leadership”.  I faced everything head on and shifted who I am, and kept on shifting.  When I stopped coming from avoidance and come from vision instead, leadership began changing shape. When I come from seeing the leaders in front of me and enrolling them in vision with me… life changed, I changed. 

Not just for this reason, but for many … I love me. I love who I am as a mother, as a daughter, as a leader, as a sister, and me with me.

I am Rachel Wipf. I am a caring, generous, loving leader.  I am a resilient, creative badass and a light in the world. My voice matters. I matter. My life matters and I love making sure people around me know they matter too. 

Overflow

My heart is in overflow

It is still sinking in. 

I matter. You Matter. We matter. 

And we do because I say so. 

I am me, and I am joy, passion,  courage and love. 

I am love multiplied. 

And so are you. 

LAS4 is complete tomorrow and tonight I am overflowing with love. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am you, and you are me

Mom

You are everything

And nothing

And more 

And less.

You are love

And loved

And hated and despised.

You are less than perfect

Just like me

And beyond perfection

Just like me.

I love you

I hate you

I am you 

And you are me. 

Rainbows and Roses

Written November 2023

If I am so easily tattered and torn, bruised and beaten, sad and forlorn

Who holds the power, the key to go home?

The victim is raging the storm is within

I can’t fight the battle, there isn’t a win

But in the sweet essence of who I must be

A solar ray begins to lighten on me

The suns gentle rays can begin to warm up

The weather, the storm, the one that I lost

In spite of my folly’s the rain starts to show

That under the clouds there is this gentle flow

Tender red roses beginning to climb

The soft edges silken, so tender the vine

Where is the rainbow of my soul?

The one who clings to hope without letting go?

Each step feels like quicksand, each breath exhaled grief

The rainbow is coming. Hold on and believe. 

No Longer Whole

The moon light shows the tears I speak, the language of my soul

Beyond the words my heart doth weep, I am no longer whole.

There is an ache inside of me, every softness stole

Plundered all my gentleness, shredded be my soul.

The hollowed recess of my heart, throbs with salty vein

I cannot say the hurt I feel, it falters there untrained.

How will the empty be refilled when I’m holding the pain?

Ghouls of anger etched my soul, I’m strangled by the blame.

Golden Shame

What is the space between motion

And stopping called? 

Beyond suspension

Spinning still

Silent in its embrace

Stealthy threads of deaths despair

Looped round to hold me there

Stillness holds

This moment, next

Beyond the sweet peas dream

Forge onward? Retreat? Recreate?

Persist besieged resist

Perhaps the moon has held you fore

And ever will again

I'll sit in his embrace

Lunar loved I'll be

And leave the fragile reckoning

To him that bereft me

Wrapped in embers of golden shame

Fueled by years of pain

Submerged in murky depths beneath the sorrow and the ache

What has he that held my heart

Gifted with all of me

Set ablaze in one cold breath 

Waked of stammering regret

Grasping hold what was

Overflowing

Written May 2022 

Overflowing.
My heart is needing you.
Overflowing.
My tears won't let me be.

Why do I have to stand the distance?
Why does it have to hurt so far?
Why can't I reach across the miles?
To where you are.

Overflowing.
My heart is breaking in two.
Overflowing.
My tears are falling for you.

When will your arms be back around me?
When will your heart be next to mine?

Kintsugi

Written for Kyle... the kintsugi gold that holds my broken heart. 

It's marked FRAGILE

It's bound to break

It has already

It's the part I hate

You don't realize

What you hold

You are golden

Bind what's broke. 

The pieces

Beauty as they are

Have sharp edges

Bear deep scars 

The gentle mix

Of pure gold

Laced between

Betwixt, to hold

Let each piece

Of damage shine

Brilliant being

Holding mine

Graceful strength 

Shining pure

Holds me in

Embrace, the cure

Independent,

Broken true

Combination,

Priceless hue

Voices in My Head

 I've been in a funk all day after a disastrous conversation. I've been up in my head with the voices that are there, holding me back from being my best version of me, letting them embrace me and hold me and snuggle me up. They are comfortable. They feel safe. They say I am better off holding back. That I can only ever count on me anyway. That I should be quiet and stay hiding from life. That I am not good enough to do what I need to do anyway. That I'll never be able to have enough motivation enough consistency or enough life in me to be the all or nothing version of myself I think is "right" and "good" ... those voices love to keep me comfortable and not risk anything. All the while life gets messier and messier around me, literally and figuratively.  

My heart is not used to trusting. Not the process or people or myself.

I get to choose and I choose to live. I want to stay in safety until someone proves they are safe emotionally. Proves they won't fuck up. Proves they have my back. 

But nobody can give me that peace. And nobody can pull me out of the barricades I build around myself.

Recently in a self awareness course, I kept visualizing every single barricade and fortress around my heart as a result of all the pain and trauma over the years coming down  one by one until I was in a field of peace filled with flowers where I could twirl and dance all around. I choose that again. 

So this is me... painfully and tearfully removing all the barriers again by choice. Taking committed action, and being vulnerable knowing I have people around me that will hold me up in my masterpiece. I'm starting here. 

"Living, Bruised"

Heart of treasure beyond told

Heart that carries burdens hold

Unentangle, thorns remove

Heart still beating, living, bruised

Stride in courage, anchor grace, toil no more in comfort space 

Stretch beyond your blind eyes true, unearthed truths lay in the new

Burdens shouldered are at choice 

Presence heart and love with choice

Pirouette, dance, let go

Every thought that keeps the holes

Pirouette, dance and sing

Be the vision, be the being

I get to choose to be the caring, generous, loving leader I am. generous in forgiveness, generous in love, generous in kisses on the cheek, generous in space to mess up and still be loved, and reach past where I keep myself stuck waiting for someone else to create safety first. 

Your Heart Was Made Of Mine

This is a song i wrote as a love letter to my children, and my nieces and nephews. It's about what it feels like to be a parent.  

Sometimes you are hurting or struggling and you think as parents we won't understand or will judge you.. or that you'll disappoint us. 

My kids in particular have expressed to me that sometimes they also may not feel like I can handle it ... 

So... this is me telling you that it doesn't matter what you're going through,  there isn't anything too big, too scary or too much for us to stand with you through. And that there is a really really good chance we have been in a similar situation to one degree or another and you just don't know.

To each of my kids and my bonus kids... this song is for you. 

"YOUR HEART WAS MADE OF MINE" 

Heart beats ringing echoing around me and I'm searching for the key to start the healing

I can hear the storm whisper a story, I can feel the thunder rumbling through me.  

Oh 

you think that you have fooled me, you're hiding all those fears.  

That sunshine covers over, hides the hurricane of tears. 

Oohh 

Baby don't you know your heart was made of mine.  

You think you need to hide

The things you feel inside

The parts that you don't like

Whispers in the night. 

You don't want it to show

You don't want me to know

You'll keep me in the dark

While arrows make their mark

Ohhhh 

Baby dont you know your heart was made of mine. 

Your sunshine stifled tears

The waves from all the years

It's swallowing you whole

Storms raging just below

You don't want it to show

You don't want me to know

You'll keep me in the dark

While arrows make their mark

Ohhhh 

Baby don't you know your heart was made of mine.

Do you think I've never been there, or that I just can't understand

That I'm far past comprehending, imagination doesn't wrap around

Oh I have walked these roads you're walking, I have been where you stand now.  And when the storm has blown you over, and you don't have room to hide

I will hold you when the heartache comes flowing from your eyeeeessss

Baby don't you know your heart was made of mine.  

 I know you don't think you can trust me. 

That the storms will be too big, but you forget I've faced the thunder and I've stood there through the rain. 

I haven't always been your shelter, but I'll walk through any storm.  I've been learning to walk with you, I haven't always been the calm... you may not even need me but I'll stand there through the sto-o-orm.    

Oh baby don't you know your heart was made of mine. 

Time Marches On

 Written about my Dad on Dec 13, 2011 ... he died Dec 13 1995. 

16 years.... Time marches on, and in its wake a different life is played. The past has shaped me true, but I've not that person stayed.  Hands of time may carry you past today and yesteryear, who you become in the process determines the shed of tears. 

For me, I'm truly grateful for where life has taken me, ... and for the hands of time that say this moment will not forever be. But in the process, through it all, the memory is clear, and with it lives a lesson of the lives you're touching here. 

Enough now of this corny rhyme,  enough of reminisce. He lies a man just what he was, his heart I truly miss.

Rubberband

Written sometime in 2011 after Ryan left his mark on my body and was proud instead of sorry for what he'd done. 

The disrespect,  feel no regrets? 

Doesn't your heart ache? 

Is there no empty space? 

Can't you even tell I'm gone?

How did it end so fast? 

Is there no looking back?

Didn't it mean anything to you? 

Why are you standing there?

Dear Lord please hear my prayer

My heart is broken

It's cracked, hurt, and torn. 

You were supposed to care

Like an old rubber band 

You promised to hold strong

And then you snapped

You cracked

You don't don't look back

You can't even hear me calling your name. 

Tears on my face

No pass of grace

Crushed

Written somewhere around 2012 for my girl. 

When life turned upside down

Spinning you round and round

Too fast yet moving slow

        Too much you didn't knowwritten

You were crushed 

And stayed strong 

You were hurt

But kept moving along

You were crushed

And it broke my heart

        To see you

             Going through

                  The pain

                       Alone, alone, alone

                              Crushed 

Baby I know you're there

Dear Lord please hear my prayer

Keep her right next to you

   

Looking Through the Glass

Written somewhere around 2011

Looking through the glass I see you

Wondering how to pass through to you 

How to reach the world you live in

How to make the world you live in real

You are happy, smiling, crying

Living life on high speed riding

Every wave and making

Some of your own

It is life in vibrant color

Contrast high and moving forward

Nothing ever seems to stay the same