I can't begin to tell you how healing the past month has been for me, or how good it feels to feel good. Somehow, some way, I know that I have turned a corner. My soul has been touched, and some of the gaping wounds in my heart have been closed up. Sometimes I just sit and reflect in wonder and amazement at the difference, at why there has been such a difference, and at the difference one person can make.
True, some things still hurt. Some parts of my heart still feel new and tender... but I think that there is nothing wrong with remembering the pain, for it makes us appreciate the love and healing more fully.
I have truly been blessed, not once, but many times, with the "cream of the crop" as friends in my life. You have each taught me something... but some of you have been there for me and helped me in more ways than you could ever know, and more ways than I ever could have dreamed or asked for.
To my particular friend from years ago, you know who you are... thank you for believing in me more than I believed in myself. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. Thank you for loving me, and through that, helping me see the things I needed to see. I miss you.
To my brother Joe, his wives and children. You are the ones who have never left my side. Thank you for loving me fully and truly. Thank you for your encouragement, your love, and your help. I am so proud of you, and also still a bit incredulous that you count me as a close friend in your life.
To the friend I never expected to have. You deserve more love than you could ever imagine, and more than you could ever hope for. The people in your life that don't know that, just don't know you - and they have missed out on so much. Thank you for helping me to forgive. Thank you for helping me feel, for the first time in what seems like forever, that I wasn't broken anymore. You are truly a gift and one I treasure.
And last but not least, to Ryan, my best friend, the one who knows me inside and out ... and yet loves me still. Thank you for choosing me again. Thank you for making sure I know I matter, for making sure I know you care. You've held me together when I've been shattered to pieces. Your heart has wrapped around mine and kept it beating more times than one. You've never given up on me and I don't understand why - but I'm grateful. Father in Heaven knew what he was doing when he blessed me with you, you are exactly what I need. I only hope I can be as much to you and more, because you deserve it. I love you without end, and just when I think I love you as much as I could ever love anyone, I fall in love with you all over again. Thank you Ryan. LYM.
Rachel
Showing posts with label Father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Father. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Things I Like About Me
On twitter today, a fellow tweeter posted a link that led me to another link that led me to another link.... you get the picture. Bottom line, I ended up reading a post that challenged others to write a list of things they like about themselves, to recognize the good in yourself and your life, and to realize that you are enough. It's so easy to feel like we aren't good enough, we aren't good enough mothers, we aren't good enough at keeping the house clean, we aren't good enough at ________ (fill in the blank.) She challenged us to just be enough, and to write the list.
Two years ago, this would have been impossible for me to write. In fact, I remember being at a dinner party with friends and being asked what I was proud of. I was at such a low point struggling with postpartum depression that I couldn't answer. I couldn't verbalize anything that was good about me.
Now I can. I'm proud of it. I'm glad for it. I'm grateful for those who have helped me and encouraged me and taught me to start believing in myself as being good and capable again.
So, here's my list. I'd love to see yours.
1. I see opportunities.
2. I am capable.
3. I am honest.
4. I care.
5. I love.
6. I laugh.
7. I learn quickly.
8. I am great at giving "under-doggies" when I push my kids on the swing.
9. I know how to shine my sink.
10. I can be meticulous and detailed when I need to be.
11. I understand the difference of when I don't need to be.
12. I can let my kids get themselves dressed, with their pants on backwards, and not be embarrassed about it at the supermarket.
13. I am a great teacher.
14. I am giving.
15. I am a great cook.
16. I make excellent Homemade Hostess Layered Cake.
17. I am a good wife.
18. I sing to my children.
19. I love to help others.
20. I have raised children that love to read and learn.
21. I can forgive.
22. I am willing to help others, even at my expense.
23. I am protective of my children when I ought to be and can still let them learn independently and experience life when they have the opportunity.
24. I make amazing banana bread, though I have to acknowledge Ry's sister Barb for showing me how.
25. I have learned, have grown, and will continue to - even when it hurts.
26. I am not the same person I as ten years ago. I am wiser. I am more willing to look at myself.
27. Even if I have not always succeeded, I have always tried.
28. I allow myself to heal. I actively work to understand and let go of things that hurt.
29. I actively work to solve problems.
30. I love my Father in Heaven and know that He lives, that Jesus loves me, and that he hears my prayers. I know this, even when times are rough, when things aren't going my way.
Ryan called in the middle of me writing this post and asked if he could help. I said yes, so the rest of this list is from Ry about me...
31. I smell good.
32. I have awesome kids.
33. Everyone can trust me.
34. I'm cute.
35. I make yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.
36. I make yummy pancakes.
37. I am awesome at selling books.
38. He likes it when I play the piano.
39. I make him laugh.
40. I help him smile.
He said he could keep on adding to this list of why he likes me, but that it would take the rest of the night.
I love that man!
So, what is something you like about you?
Two years ago, this would have been impossible for me to write. In fact, I remember being at a dinner party with friends and being asked what I was proud of. I was at such a low point struggling with postpartum depression that I couldn't answer. I couldn't verbalize anything that was good about me.
Now I can. I'm proud of it. I'm glad for it. I'm grateful for those who have helped me and encouraged me and taught me to start believing in myself as being good and capable again.
So, here's my list. I'd love to see yours.
1. I see opportunities.
2. I am capable.
3. I am honest.
4. I care.
5. I love.
6. I laugh.
7. I learn quickly.
8. I am great at giving "under-doggies" when I push my kids on the swing.
9. I know how to shine my sink.
10. I can be meticulous and detailed when I need to be.
11. I understand the difference of when I don't need to be.
12. I can let my kids get themselves dressed, with their pants on backwards, and not be embarrassed about it at the supermarket.
13. I am a great teacher.
14. I am giving.
15. I am a great cook.
16. I make excellent Homemade Hostess Layered Cake.
17. I am a good wife.
18. I sing to my children.
19. I love to help others.
20. I have raised children that love to read and learn.
 |
| #41. I sometimes take good pictures. |
22. I am willing to help others, even at my expense.
23. I am protective of my children when I ought to be and can still let them learn independently and experience life when they have the opportunity.
24. I make amazing banana bread, though I have to acknowledge Ry's sister Barb for showing me how.
25. I have learned, have grown, and will continue to - even when it hurts.
26. I am not the same person I as ten years ago. I am wiser. I am more willing to look at myself.
27. Even if I have not always succeeded, I have always tried.
28. I allow myself to heal. I actively work to understand and let go of things that hurt.
29. I actively work to solve problems.
30. I love my Father in Heaven and know that He lives, that Jesus loves me, and that he hears my prayers. I know this, even when times are rough, when things aren't going my way.
Ryan called in the middle of me writing this post and asked if he could help. I said yes, so the rest of this list is from Ry about me...
31. I smell good.
32. I have awesome kids.
33. Everyone can trust me.
34. I'm cute.
35. I make yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.
36. I make yummy pancakes.
37. I am awesome at selling books.
38. He likes it when I play the piano.
39. I make him laugh.
40. I help him smile.
He said he could keep on adding to this list of why he likes me, but that it would take the rest of the night.
I love that man!
So, what is something you like about you?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Changes
Last year, for me, was a year of healing. This year, feels like it will be a year of change. Not just for my life, but for many of my friends and family too. Not that last year wasn't full of changes... it definitely was.
One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.
My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment. Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.
I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks. I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake. I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.
I also want Ryan home with us each night. When we moved here, it felt like home. It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years. I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.
Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does. Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships. Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one. Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.
Maybe. But really, I just miss him.
I love you Ry.
No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part. We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!) I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon. 3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...
"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...
"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
And then later...
"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning. There really was a good reason for that headache I had!
But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.
Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.
One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.
My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment. Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.
I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks. I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake. I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.
I also want Ryan home with us each night. When we moved here, it felt like home. It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years. I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.
Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does. Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships. Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one. Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.
Maybe. But really, I just miss him.
I love you Ry.
No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part. We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!) I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon. 3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...
"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...
"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
And then later...
"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning. There really was a good reason for that headache I had!
But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.
Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
As a child
My heart is filled with gratitude at the un-ending mercies and grace of God in Heaven above. When I get done being in emotional upheaval and just focus on what is good and right and remember the many prayers that have been prayed and sit in awe of the many prayers that have been answered, my heart swells and my eyes weep.
It's so easy to feel like there are so many things I can't fix right now, so many worries that I don't know how will ever turn out, and yet with one blink of an eye or motion of the hand HE can make everything work out. Too often, I forget. Too often, I rely on myself instead of on Him.
I am still His child and I'm not sure I ever want to grow up. I love His warm embrace when I run to Him. I still need His arms around me when I hurt. At His feet I kneel to pray. It is His loving face I always want to see when I look up after the tears, and He is there for me. It is eternal hope in Him that I trust and rely on. How can he be so gracious and kind, when I am just me? I can breathe when I feel the burdens lifted on my chest, after finally remembering who is in charge.
He is my Father. I am His child. I am blessed.
It's so easy to feel like there are so many things I can't fix right now, so many worries that I don't know how will ever turn out, and yet with one blink of an eye or motion of the hand HE can make everything work out. Too often, I forget. Too often, I rely on myself instead of on Him.
I am still His child and I'm not sure I ever want to grow up. I love His warm embrace when I run to Him. I still need His arms around me when I hurt. At His feet I kneel to pray. It is His loving face I always want to see when I look up after the tears, and He is there for me. It is eternal hope in Him that I trust and rely on. How can he be so gracious and kind, when I am just me? I can breathe when I feel the burdens lifted on my chest, after finally remembering who is in charge.
He is my Father. I am His child. I am blessed.
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