I can't begin to tell you how healing the past month has been for me, or how good it feels to feel good. Somehow, some way, I know that I have turned a corner. My soul has been touched, and some of the gaping wounds in my heart have been closed up. Sometimes I just sit and reflect in wonder and amazement at the difference, at why there has been such a difference, and at the difference one person can make.
True, some things still hurt. Some parts of my heart still feel new and tender... but I think that there is nothing wrong with remembering the pain, for it makes us appreciate the love and healing more fully.
I have truly been blessed, not once, but many times, with the "cream of the crop" as friends in my life. You have each taught me something... but some of you have been there for me and helped me in more ways than you could ever know, and more ways than I ever could have dreamed or asked for.
To my particular friend from years ago, you know who you are... thank you for believing in me more than I believed in myself. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. Thank you for loving me, and through that, helping me see the things I needed to see. I miss you.
To my brother Joe, his wives and children. You are the ones who have never left my side. Thank you for loving me fully and truly. Thank you for your encouragement, your love, and your help. I am so proud of you, and also still a bit incredulous that you count me as a close friend in your life.
To the friend I never expected to have. You deserve more love than you could ever imagine, and more than you could ever hope for. The people in your life that don't know that, just don't know you - and they have missed out on so much. Thank you for helping me to forgive. Thank you for helping me feel, for the first time in what seems like forever, that I wasn't broken anymore. You are truly a gift and one I treasure.
And last but not least, to Ryan, my best friend, the one who knows me inside and out ... and yet loves me still. Thank you for choosing me again. Thank you for making sure I know I matter, for making sure I know you care. You've held me together when I've been shattered to pieces. Your heart has wrapped around mine and kept it beating more times than one. You've never given up on me and I don't understand why - but I'm grateful. Father in Heaven knew what he was doing when he blessed me with you, you are exactly what I need. I only hope I can be as much to you and more, because you deserve it. I love you without end, and just when I think I love you as much as I could ever love anyone, I fall in love with you all over again. Thank you Ryan. LYM.
Rachel
Showing posts with label Ryan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ryan. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Things I Like About Me
On twitter today, a fellow tweeter posted a link that led me to another link that led me to another link.... you get the picture. Bottom line, I ended up reading a post that challenged others to write a list of things they like about themselves, to recognize the good in yourself and your life, and to realize that you are enough. It's so easy to feel like we aren't good enough, we aren't good enough mothers, we aren't good enough at keeping the house clean, we aren't good enough at ________ (fill in the blank.) She challenged us to just be enough, and to write the list.
Two years ago, this would have been impossible for me to write. In fact, I remember being at a dinner party with friends and being asked what I was proud of. I was at such a low point struggling with postpartum depression that I couldn't answer. I couldn't verbalize anything that was good about me.
Now I can. I'm proud of it. I'm glad for it. I'm grateful for those who have helped me and encouraged me and taught me to start believing in myself as being good and capable again.
So, here's my list. I'd love to see yours.
1. I see opportunities.
2. I am capable.
3. I am honest.
4. I care.
5. I love.
6. I laugh.
7. I learn quickly.
8. I am great at giving "under-doggies" when I push my kids on the swing.
9. I know how to shine my sink.
10. I can be meticulous and detailed when I need to be.
11. I understand the difference of when I don't need to be.
12. I can let my kids get themselves dressed, with their pants on backwards, and not be embarrassed about it at the supermarket.
13. I am a great teacher.
14. I am giving.
15. I am a great cook.
16. I make excellent Homemade Hostess Layered Cake.
17. I am a good wife.
18. I sing to my children.
19. I love to help others.
20. I have raised children that love to read and learn.
21. I can forgive.
22. I am willing to help others, even at my expense.
23. I am protective of my children when I ought to be and can still let them learn independently and experience life when they have the opportunity.
24. I make amazing banana bread, though I have to acknowledge Ry's sister Barb for showing me how.
25. I have learned, have grown, and will continue to - even when it hurts.
26. I am not the same person I as ten years ago. I am wiser. I am more willing to look at myself.
27. Even if I have not always succeeded, I have always tried.
28. I allow myself to heal. I actively work to understand and let go of things that hurt.
29. I actively work to solve problems.
30. I love my Father in Heaven and know that He lives, that Jesus loves me, and that he hears my prayers. I know this, even when times are rough, when things aren't going my way.
Ryan called in the middle of me writing this post and asked if he could help. I said yes, so the rest of this list is from Ry about me...
31. I smell good.
32. I have awesome kids.
33. Everyone can trust me.
34. I'm cute.
35. I make yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.
36. I make yummy pancakes.
37. I am awesome at selling books.
38. He likes it when I play the piano.
39. I make him laugh.
40. I help him smile.
He said he could keep on adding to this list of why he likes me, but that it would take the rest of the night.
I love that man!
So, what is something you like about you?
Two years ago, this would have been impossible for me to write. In fact, I remember being at a dinner party with friends and being asked what I was proud of. I was at such a low point struggling with postpartum depression that I couldn't answer. I couldn't verbalize anything that was good about me.
Now I can. I'm proud of it. I'm glad for it. I'm grateful for those who have helped me and encouraged me and taught me to start believing in myself as being good and capable again.
So, here's my list. I'd love to see yours.
1. I see opportunities.
2. I am capable.
3. I am honest.
4. I care.
5. I love.
6. I laugh.
7. I learn quickly.
8. I am great at giving "under-doggies" when I push my kids on the swing.
9. I know how to shine my sink.
10. I can be meticulous and detailed when I need to be.
11. I understand the difference of when I don't need to be.
12. I can let my kids get themselves dressed, with their pants on backwards, and not be embarrassed about it at the supermarket.
13. I am a great teacher.
14. I am giving.
15. I am a great cook.
16. I make excellent Homemade Hostess Layered Cake.
17. I am a good wife.
18. I sing to my children.
19. I love to help others.
20. I have raised children that love to read and learn.
 |
| #41. I sometimes take good pictures. |
22. I am willing to help others, even at my expense.
23. I am protective of my children when I ought to be and can still let them learn independently and experience life when they have the opportunity.
24. I make amazing banana bread, though I have to acknowledge Ry's sister Barb for showing me how.
25. I have learned, have grown, and will continue to - even when it hurts.
26. I am not the same person I as ten years ago. I am wiser. I am more willing to look at myself.
27. Even if I have not always succeeded, I have always tried.
28. I allow myself to heal. I actively work to understand and let go of things that hurt.
29. I actively work to solve problems.
30. I love my Father in Heaven and know that He lives, that Jesus loves me, and that he hears my prayers. I know this, even when times are rough, when things aren't going my way.
Ryan called in the middle of me writing this post and asked if he could help. I said yes, so the rest of this list is from Ry about me...
31. I smell good.
32. I have awesome kids.
33. Everyone can trust me.
34. I'm cute.
35. I make yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.
36. I make yummy pancakes.
37. I am awesome at selling books.
38. He likes it when I play the piano.
39. I make him laugh.
40. I help him smile.
He said he could keep on adding to this list of why he likes me, but that it would take the rest of the night.
I love that man!
So, what is something you like about you?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Running My Brains Out
Oh boy, did I get myself into trouble today.
Daisy came in earlier this evening and flopped down next to me on the couch as she said "Mom, I just ran my brains out."
"Oh yeah?" I said, as I thought to myself, "Hey, I haven't worked out or gotten any exercise in today, maybe I should go run with her." You see, Ryan and I both challenged each other to do certain things every day while he is in Oklahoma this month. One of the things I'm supposed to be doing is working out.
And so, naively, I said, "Want me to run my brains out with you?"
"What do you mean?" she asked wearily, head still down on the couch.
"I mean, you take me running. I'll go wherever you go."
Can we say bad idea? One second ago, she had been red-faced, panting, and thrown herself onto the couch, completely worn out. The very instant the words came out of my mouth, she suddenly popped up, refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to run.
I should have known then I had asked for more than I bargained for. Before we even got to the door, Braelin had his running shoes ready and was planning on going with us. Carolina was begging to come too.
"No, you take me running tomorrow okay?"
Second mistake. Boy, was I digging myself in deeper.
Daisy took off running out the door, out the gate, and around the corner. She booked it to the back gate, onto the driveway, and around to the front yard. Before we even got one lap around the house, I was ready to quit.
Let me explain something. I never run. I hate to run! What had I gotten myself into?!!
She got a little gleam in her eye as she realized that I hadn't limited her to the yard and took off down the street. I tried my best to keep up with her, failing miserably evidently, because every so often she would stop and wait for me to catch up before taking off again.
This little girl had moments ago been lying on the couch, barely able to move, panting as though she would pass out any moment. Now, she was sprinting down the street as though she had trained for this all year. And that's when I realized - she had. She had been running every day at school for a year. They require the kids to run around the track three times, and though she always complained about it, she did it.
There was no way she would be stopping anytime soon.
I puffed and panted, my face growing redder with every step. I finally talked her into running to our friends house a couple blocks away, thinking then I could sit and rest a bit before talking her into running home.
No luck. Sheila wasn't home, and off we ran again. She turned right, then left, then right again, turned the corner a couple blocks down, and started headed farther west, farther away from home.
"Wait!" I cried. "The splash park is this way. Want to run to the splash park?" At this point I'm trying anything to get her to head back toward home instead of farther away. Luckily, she agrees that the splash park would be fun, and off we go. The closer we get, the more inviting the water looks. I'm hot, tired, and ready to go back home. She takes my hand and we run through the streams of water spraying in every direction, giggling as we went. Yay! She'll want to go home next, right?
Wrong.
"No Mom, I want to go 6 more places, because I'm six years old." Places. As in stores. She wants to run to stores. Like Lin's Supermarket, 11 blocks down. Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
By this point, I'm bribing her. Ice cream. A movie. Yes, I admit it. It was pathetic. But her pace hasn't slowed a bit, and I'm sure she would have no problem jogging the 11 blocks to the grocery store without breaking a sweat. Can you blame me?
We finally made it home, her teasing me the whole way that I really "walked my brains out and didn't run!" Who greets us at the doorway? Braelin, Carolina, Taliesin, and Tyler... all reminding me that they each get to take me running too.
Oh boy. I AM in trouble. But maybe I'll also get in shape....
Wish me luck! And if you see me running behind one of my kids this week, red faced and panting -- feel free to laugh... after you hand me a cold bottle of water.
- Rachel
Daisy came in earlier this evening and flopped down next to me on the couch as she said "Mom, I just ran my brains out."
"Oh yeah?" I said, as I thought to myself, "Hey, I haven't worked out or gotten any exercise in today, maybe I should go run with her." You see, Ryan and I both challenged each other to do certain things every day while he is in Oklahoma this month. One of the things I'm supposed to be doing is working out.
And so, naively, I said, "Want me to run my brains out with you?"
"What do you mean?" she asked wearily, head still down on the couch.
"I mean, you take me running. I'll go wherever you go."
Can we say bad idea? One second ago, she had been red-faced, panting, and thrown herself onto the couch, completely worn out. The very instant the words came out of my mouth, she suddenly popped up, refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to run.
I should have known then I had asked for more than I bargained for. Before we even got to the door, Braelin had his running shoes ready and was planning on going with us. Carolina was begging to come too.
"No, you take me running tomorrow okay?"
Second mistake. Boy, was I digging myself in deeper.
Daisy took off running out the door, out the gate, and around the corner. She booked it to the back gate, onto the driveway, and around to the front yard. Before we even got one lap around the house, I was ready to quit.
Let me explain something. I never run. I hate to run! What had I gotten myself into?!!
She got a little gleam in her eye as she realized that I hadn't limited her to the yard and took off down the street. I tried my best to keep up with her, failing miserably evidently, because every so often she would stop and wait for me to catch up before taking off again.
This little girl had moments ago been lying on the couch, barely able to move, panting as though she would pass out any moment. Now, she was sprinting down the street as though she had trained for this all year. And that's when I realized - she had. She had been running every day at school for a year. They require the kids to run around the track three times, and though she always complained about it, she did it.
 |
| Miss Daisy - Summer 2011 |
I puffed and panted, my face growing redder with every step. I finally talked her into running to our friends house a couple blocks away, thinking then I could sit and rest a bit before talking her into running home.
No luck. Sheila wasn't home, and off we ran again. She turned right, then left, then right again, turned the corner a couple blocks down, and started headed farther west, farther away from home.
"Wait!" I cried. "The splash park is this way. Want to run to the splash park?" At this point I'm trying anything to get her to head back toward home instead of farther away. Luckily, she agrees that the splash park would be fun, and off we go. The closer we get, the more inviting the water looks. I'm hot, tired, and ready to go back home. She takes my hand and we run through the streams of water spraying in every direction, giggling as we went. Yay! She'll want to go home next, right?
Wrong.
"No Mom, I want to go 6 more places, because I'm six years old." Places. As in stores. She wants to run to stores. Like Lin's Supermarket, 11 blocks down. Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
By this point, I'm bribing her. Ice cream. A movie. Yes, I admit it. It was pathetic. But her pace hasn't slowed a bit, and I'm sure she would have no problem jogging the 11 blocks to the grocery store without breaking a sweat. Can you blame me?
We finally made it home, her teasing me the whole way that I really "walked my brains out and didn't run!" Who greets us at the doorway? Braelin, Carolina, Taliesin, and Tyler... all reminding me that they each get to take me running too.
Oh boy. I AM in trouble. But maybe I'll also get in shape....
Wish me luck! And if you see me running behind one of my kids this week, red faced and panting -- feel free to laugh... after you hand me a cold bottle of water.
- Rachel
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sweet Nothings...
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| Homemade Hostess Cupcakes. Best eaten semi-frozen. Mmmm... |
 | |
| Piped curlicues make them look like the ones from the store. But once you taste them, you'll never get them mixed up again :) |
 |
| Homemade Hostess Layered Cake. So delicious and rich (and tall!), you can only eat a sliver at a time. |
There is miraculously still a few Homemade Hostess Cupcakes and the remaining half of this beautiful Homemade Hostess Layered Cake sitting in my freezer, begging to be eaten. I made it for Amanda's birthday, and she requested I make it again for her last week so her friends could taste the cake she's been raving about. With luscious layers of moist brownies, covered with homemade chocolate ganache, and more layers of my special Homemade Hostess Cream Filling, it's quite delicious. But no, instead of indulging, I am sauteing up a pan of vegis with quinoa for a late night dinner.
We've been at the lake with the kids and I've just changed out of my wet clothes and into a comfy top and some grey knit capris. You know the kind, with the University of Utah logo written across one side. So there I stand in front of the stove, seasoning the colorful mix of snow peas, carrots, and squash, stirring contentedly as I wait for the vegis to cook. Ryan walks up behind me, puts his arm around me, and leans his head down to my ear. "Rachel," he says, in a sultry voice. (I think he's going to whisper something sweet in my ear, like maybe how nice I looked in my bathing suit, or how delicious the pumpkin bread I baked for our treat at the lake was, or how much he loves me. Right??)
No. Not at all. Nothing of the sort.
Instead, this is what I hear.
"Rachel," he says.
"Yes?" I answer, smiling hopefully.
"Your pants are on backwards."
And then he walks away as my face turns bright red.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Four Questions...
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| Ry with his Mom. Love you Nan! Thank you for your love and prayers, and for raising such an amazing son! |
I've been reading blogs about this, that, or the other, but quite a few about postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and other postpartum disorders. Why?? Because when you've been thrown against a brick wall, had your entire life turned upside down, been shaken loose from all that's holding you together, and still are dealing with the effects of it, you tend to want to understand why. And what to do. And how to help someone else dealing with the same thing. And so even though I feel mostly healed from the whole experience... I still read about it. I still am working through it. I still am making sure that I am not just getting the point of feeling better... but that I am getting past it, through it, over it, and conquering it.
I've been asked a few times lately "do you think this is PPD?" and "How can I tell if I have PPD?" Tonight, I came across a post that said to ask yourself these questions to help you determine if you have PPD...
Has it been longer than 2 weeks since I have given birth?
Am I feeling worse as days go on?
Am I eating much more or less than usual?
Am I sleeping much more or less than usual?
As I read it, I remembered reading this same thing as I started to do a little research on PPD before I finally accepted the fact I needed meds, and as I remembered reading it, I also remembered getting a bit angry.
No, getting VERY angry. As in, want to throw the computer across the room and yell obscenities and then break down into very large sobs kind of angry.
Here's why.
Am I feeling worse as days go on? I remember thinking.. my lower regions ache from giving birth. My head aches from feeling crazy. I have a piercing headache from not getting enough sleep. My arms ache from bouncing this baby and trying to hold it just the right way while I try to nurse and that isn't working either. My eyes ache from crying all the time. I haven't got enough cohesiveness of thought to figure out whether I'm feeling worse right now than I was 2 hours ago, let alone try to track how I felt a week ago. Am I progressively feeling worse? How could I possibly feel worse than I do right now?
Am I eating much more or less than usual? I remember thinking... more or less than usual??? What is usual? Do I gauge that on how much I was eating before this kid popped out of me? It was Thanksgiving for crying out loud! I was eating for me, for the baby, and then some! Or do I look at afterward? I am crying so much, so exhausted, and not functioning well enough to get up and out of the room, let alone go make myself some food. When someone brings me food and sticks it in front of me I eat. When they don't, I don't. And if there is a bag of chips or a box of cookies within reach, I will eat the entire thing without thinking about it. Is that more or less than usual?
Am I sleeping much more or less than usual? I remember thinking... sleeping more than I was before I had the baby? I got up every hour to pee and took another hour to go back to sleep because my hips hurt, and then dozed while reading books to my toddler. Should I gauge it off that? Or am I supposed to remember back to after I had my last baby and gauge whether I'm sleeping much more or less than the average new mom not getting enough sleep because she has a newborn's poopy diaper to change or baby to feed every hour. I have small kids! I haven't had a full night's sleep in years!! Is that more or less than usual sleep for a mother?
What ridiculous questions, and yet, my very answers to the questions were telling enough in themselves. I couldn't just answer "no"to any of them, so the answer was obviously "yes". Yes, it had been more than two weeks since the baby was born. Yes I am feeling worse than I want to be, need to be, and can handle feeling. Yes I am eating much more or less than usual, and Yes I am sleeping much more or less than usual. Yes, I had many, many things pointing to severe postpartum depression. Not being able to hold the baby without crying. Not enjoying when I had the baby near me. Not wanting to talk and play and laugh with the baby, kiss his tiny nose and marvel at his tiny fists. Not being able to turn the thoughts in my head off, and yet not having rational thoughts - all at the same time.
Still, the questions - though they tried to be helpful, didn't feel helpful at all. And my poor husband had to bear the brunt of all of it until I got it figured out... and then, still took care of me for 2 more years as I began to heal.
One day, I'll write a real list of "how to tell" questions. Until then, I'll just say "Thanks Baby. I love you more than you can imagine."
- Rachel
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A good day...
A good day is when...
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| They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but occasionally they find something in common... like when they both want to do something they shouldn't, such as trying to start Amanda's scooter and ride it. Good thing she doesn't leave the key in it! Notice Jonnie's hat. He wouldn't take it off for weeks... it has now disintegrated completely. |
- You find a bunch of money in your old wallet while cleaning your room. (Yay!! I was trying to figure out how to buy paint I needed for the deck.)
- You get to sing "Love Story" and "Crazier" with your five and seven year olds. (Daisy and Lina are adorable, if I do say so myself :)
- Good friends stop by because they miss you and have been thinking of you. (Love you Sheila and Kelly!)
- You find pictures you forgot about while emptying your camera's memory card. (See below...)
- Your 14 year old helps you de-clutter your room. (Thanks Mercy!!!)
- You get a call in for an interview and your husband has one too. (Hmmm.... which direction will our lives take?)
- Your husband sends you a sweet text saying how much he misses you. (Miss you too Babe!)
- You fit into pants you haven't fit in for a very long time! (Just three more pounds til my next goal!)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Dishes, Laundry, and Dinner
Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.
SLAM!
That's the sound of love coming from my 11 year old right now.
Get the dishes done, or go to bed. That's all I asked. Dishes that I've been asking you to do since 5:00. Dishes that you should have had done this morning without me asking. Dishes that are piling up even worse because you won't get them done. Dishes you only have to do two days a week!
No. Stomping and slamming doors is soooo much better than just getting the job done.
Am I asking too much of my kids? Are they better off just doing nothing around the house and me not having to deal with slamming doors? Sometimes I wonder. Please tell me I'm not the only Mom who deals with this.
Anyway....
Socks. Socks on my hands, that's the trick to doing laundry. Has been since I was little. I know, you can start laughing now at the mental picture you just formed in your head. Me with mismatched socks on my hands bumbling around in the laundry room, head cocked to one side as I try pathetically to remember which one is the washer and which is the dryer. Disoriented stutters as I try to sort darks and lights.
Well, thankfully it's not that bad. Really. At least not most days :)
I just can't handle the thought of sticking my hands into the laundry hamper and having the germs clobber me as I load the dirty clothes into the washer. Given the smelly treasure we found in the load of little boys pants we washed yesterday, I probably have good reason for that phobia. So, I put clean socks onto my hands as I reach into the hamper and throw the laundry in.Then I throw the socks in too.
Well, the dryer isn't working right now, so despite the rainy weather, we have laundry hanging from baskets, couches, chairs, and whatever else we can find all over the house while we wait for it to dry. Fun times!
... Not really. There are times when being here alone without my handyman Ryan to fix everything really stinks. Literally. After all, 7 kids create dirty laundry faster than the clean laundry can airdry. That's all I'll say.
And the last thing on my mind right now, but not the least, are my friends. My anxious heart. And my choice of self-medication. Which leads me to dinner. What???
Yes, Dinner. (Come on now, keep up with me!)
But, I'll post separately for that. This is too long already. :)
SLAM!
That's the sound of love coming from my 11 year old right now.
Get the dishes done, or go to bed. That's all I asked. Dishes that I've been asking you to do since 5:00. Dishes that you should have had done this morning without me asking. Dishes that are piling up even worse because you won't get them done. Dishes you only have to do two days a week!
No. Stomping and slamming doors is soooo much better than just getting the job done.
Am I asking too much of my kids? Are they better off just doing nothing around the house and me not having to deal with slamming doors? Sometimes I wonder. Please tell me I'm not the only Mom who deals with this.
Anyway....
Socks. Socks on my hands, that's the trick to doing laundry. Has been since I was little. I know, you can start laughing now at the mental picture you just formed in your head. Me with mismatched socks on my hands bumbling around in the laundry room, head cocked to one side as I try pathetically to remember which one is the washer and which is the dryer. Disoriented stutters as I try to sort darks and lights.
Well, thankfully it's not that bad. Really. At least not most days :)
I just can't handle the thought of sticking my hands into the laundry hamper and having the germs clobber me as I load the dirty clothes into the washer. Given the smelly treasure we found in the load of little boys pants we washed yesterday, I probably have good reason for that phobia. So, I put clean socks onto my hands as I reach into the hamper and throw the laundry in.Then I throw the socks in too.
Well, the dryer isn't working right now, so despite the rainy weather, we have laundry hanging from baskets, couches, chairs, and whatever else we can find all over the house while we wait for it to dry. Fun times!
... Not really. There are times when being here alone without my handyman Ryan to fix everything really stinks. Literally. After all, 7 kids create dirty laundry faster than the clean laundry can airdry. That's all I'll say.
And the last thing on my mind right now, but not the least, are my friends. My anxious heart. And my choice of self-medication. Which leads me to dinner. What???
Yes, Dinner. (Come on now, keep up with me!)
But, I'll post separately for that. This is too long already. :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
As you walk through the front door of my house, the window will rattle as the door slams shut, which is the only way it will close is if it is slammed. The dining table has sticky handprints and oatmeal crumbles left from breakfast. There are bowls of half eaten ramen noodles left from dinner (the third or fourth time the kids have had ramen in the past week). On the side table, there is a case of marinara sauce that has been sitting for a while now. Looking off to the left you'll see a big blue couchbed thing that has been in my family room for the past two months, waiting to be hauled downstairs. Walking into the kitchen you would think that the dishes haven't been done for a week or so... not true. They were done yesterday morning. At least I think they were. Still, the counter is full of stacks of used cereal bowls and the sink has a collection of unwashed forks, spoons, and pans.
The little breakfast room has a random and unsettling collection of grocery odds and ends yet to be put away. Cans of soup, a large package of noodles, and three number ten cans of refried beans dot the table and although you can tell we aren't starving, the question begs... why hasn't all this been put away?
The collection of coats along the pathway to the stairs leading up to the kids' rooms suggest we haven't needed them for a few days, which is true - the weather has been lovely! We won't discuss the kids rooms, or my room. Suffice it to say they could use a bit of straightening. The laundry room? Frightening.
The taxes are halfway finished, will require a long day of concentration plus one semi short visit to an accountant, and hopefully I can have them wrapped up before too long. Are they done yet? No.
Meals at my house have been haphazard at best, though Ryan did make Root Beer Pork on Sunday and our weekend guests didn't go home unfed. If the trail of half eaten bites of hot dogs leading to my bedroom or the breadcrumbs all over my bed have any tale to tell, they'd say the kids are eating well enough for now at least. The mashed berries I wiped up off my carpet today say they are getting a variety of food besides ramen too, so I won't feel too guilty, yet. Still, it's time I put together some real meals. Did I get them made today? No. Of course not.
So then if the taxes aren't done, the kids are making their own meals, the house isn't clean, and the van still hasn't been washed or vaccumed, what DID I do?
I'll tell you.
I slept in til 6:30 and then took Ryan to work in St. George. I enjoyed breakfast with my kids and curled up in bed, chilly and apparently still exhausted from yesterday. I slept, slept, and slept some more.
I rocked my baby Jonnie, who isn't much of a baby anymore, until he fell asleep in my arms. And then, I rocked him some more. I talked with Braelin while Jonnie slept, helped Ty log on to his schoolwork online, and popped onto Facebook for a bit too -- lame, I know.
I walked to get the girls from school. I talked with Tyler as we walked. I played with Jonnie on the slide. I laughed with my girls while we happily walked home. Taliesin showed me the homework he was working on, while Mercy flopped down on the blue couchbed thing to take a much needed nap. I sang the Monkey Song with Braelin. I got Jonnie some milk in his cup. And then, I went to pick up Ry and spend some time with him.
We talked, I cried. We shared Cafe Rio on the patio, and watched a movie afterward. When we came home, the kids were already sleeping, curled up in bed on time for once - just like I'd asked.
The house will get cleaned up, tomorrow probably. The groceries will get organized in the pantry, and the dishes washed and put away. I'll throw something in the crockpot before I go to work, and Ryan will make sure they get dinner when he comes home.
For today, I'm glad I didn't clean. Glad I didn't cook. No taxes got done. Instead, I enjoyed my babies... and my man.
Life is good. Sometimes messy, but life is good.
The little breakfast room has a random and unsettling collection of grocery odds and ends yet to be put away. Cans of soup, a large package of noodles, and three number ten cans of refried beans dot the table and although you can tell we aren't starving, the question begs... why hasn't all this been put away?
The collection of coats along the pathway to the stairs leading up to the kids' rooms suggest we haven't needed them for a few days, which is true - the weather has been lovely! We won't discuss the kids rooms, or my room. Suffice it to say they could use a bit of straightening. The laundry room? Frightening.
The taxes are halfway finished, will require a long day of concentration plus one semi short visit to an accountant, and hopefully I can have them wrapped up before too long. Are they done yet? No.
Meals at my house have been haphazard at best, though Ryan did make Root Beer Pork on Sunday and our weekend guests didn't go home unfed. If the trail of half eaten bites of hot dogs leading to my bedroom or the breadcrumbs all over my bed have any tale to tell, they'd say the kids are eating well enough for now at least. The mashed berries I wiped up off my carpet today say they are getting a variety of food besides ramen too, so I won't feel too guilty, yet. Still, it's time I put together some real meals. Did I get them made today? No. Of course not.
So then if the taxes aren't done, the kids are making their own meals, the house isn't clean, and the van still hasn't been washed or vaccumed, what DID I do?
I'll tell you.
I slept in til 6:30 and then took Ryan to work in St. George. I enjoyed breakfast with my kids and curled up in bed, chilly and apparently still exhausted from yesterday. I slept, slept, and slept some more.
I rocked my baby Jonnie, who isn't much of a baby anymore, until he fell asleep in my arms. And then, I rocked him some more. I talked with Braelin while Jonnie slept, helped Ty log on to his schoolwork online, and popped onto Facebook for a bit too -- lame, I know.
I walked to get the girls from school. I talked with Tyler as we walked. I played with Jonnie on the slide. I laughed with my girls while we happily walked home. Taliesin showed me the homework he was working on, while Mercy flopped down on the blue couchbed thing to take a much needed nap. I sang the Monkey Song with Braelin. I got Jonnie some milk in his cup. And then, I went to pick up Ry and spend some time with him.
We talked, I cried. We shared Cafe Rio on the patio, and watched a movie afterward. When we came home, the kids were already sleeping, curled up in bed on time for once - just like I'd asked.
The house will get cleaned up, tomorrow probably. The groceries will get organized in the pantry, and the dishes washed and put away. I'll throw something in the crockpot before I go to work, and Ryan will make sure they get dinner when he comes home.
For today, I'm glad I didn't clean. Glad I didn't cook. No taxes got done. Instead, I enjoyed my babies... and my man.
Life is good. Sometimes messy, but life is good.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Changes
Last year, for me, was a year of healing. This year, feels like it will be a year of change. Not just for my life, but for many of my friends and family too. Not that last year wasn't full of changes... it definitely was.
One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.
My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment. Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.
I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks. I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake. I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.
I also want Ryan home with us each night. When we moved here, it felt like home. It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years. I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.
Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does. Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships. Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one. Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.
Maybe. But really, I just miss him.
I love you Ry.
No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part. We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!) I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon. 3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...
"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...
"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
And then later...
"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning. There really was a good reason for that headache I had!
But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.
Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.
One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.
My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment. Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.
I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks. I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake. I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.
I also want Ryan home with us each night. When we moved here, it felt like home. It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years. I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.
Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does. Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships. Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one. Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.
Maybe. But really, I just miss him.
I love you Ry.
No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part. We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!) I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon. 3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...
"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...
"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
And then later...
"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning. There really was a good reason for that headache I had!
But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.
Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
There's No Place Like Home...
I woke up yesterday in a tiny town on the west border of Kansas where the cattle outnumber humans 1000 to 1. I'd been staying with Ry for a couple days while he worked. He drove home to Utah for Thanksgiving, and then I drove back with him to Leoti. It was wonderful to see him, and talk and laugh with him. We definitely needed the time together. While I may be used to having him gone for long periods of time, it is an understatement to say that I am certainly not cut out for a long distance relationship. Alas, all good things usually come to an end, and so after eating breakfast together, I drove home yesterday without him.
Driving long distances doesn't bother me, in fact it I actually like driving alone for long distances as long as the roads are dry. Give me a great audiobook, a roadmap, a pack of gum, some snacks and I'm good to go.
Vail pass was icy and snowy when Ry and I drove out on Wednesday night so going back, I decided to take Highway 50 across Colorado. Sayanora Dorothy. See ya later Toto. Goodbye Kansas. I miss you already Ry.
The drive went well and the roads were dry. The long, flat roads out of Kansas pass by peaceful fields of dry, brown sunflowers with drooping heads bereft of their fullness. Tall grain silos and small clusters of farm houses and aging barns along the way gave a feeling of warm, rich life in contrast to the silent, empty fields. I found my self wondering about the people who lived and worked there, what patterns their daily living followed, and the fabric of their family's lives. I also wished I had my camera with me.
The cool weather turned warm as I sped across southern Colorado where the once straight roads now twisted and curved as they began to wind along the Arkansas River. As I climbed up Pauncho Pass, snow appeared along the sides of the roads, and ice crackled over the bluish-gray water. The car followed the curving road up and then back down the San Juan mountain passes, the wind whipped and the sky began to darken with sullen clouds. Sunlight faded, and inky darkness prevailed.
It was cold, dark, and windy when I stopped to refuel in Grand Junction. I looked forward to crossing into Utah where the silent mountains formations that make up Central Utah would surround me as I traveled across to I-15, and then finally south, and home.
It was refreshing to me to just be alone for a long time. Perhaps I'm a bit odd that way, but driving alone calms me. No expectations. No requests from kids. No dishes or laundry staring me in the face. Just me, my thoughts, and the open road.
I watched the gauge showing the outside temperature climb as I dropped down past New Harmony and into Toquerville, and then into town. It was about midnight when I pulled in the drive, parked the car, and carried in my bags. Mercy was stretched out on my bed snuggled next to Jonnie, and as I put the bags down on my bedroom floor, I noticed a package and a handmade card sitting on my nightstand.
Rachel,
I hope you have a great birthday.
It has been fun getting to know you and your cute family.
I have enjoyed your friendship.
Happy Birthday!
Camille
Inside the box was a beautiful "WillowTree" figurine, a brown haired woman breathing in the aroma of the bundle of flowers in her arms. Graceful, simple, and perfect.
My eyes misted as I read the card, but when I opened the box, I sat and cried for 20 minutes. How did she even know when my birthday was?
Thank you Camille, more than you know.
And thank you to all of the rest of you who sent me such wonderful birthday texts and messages as I drove. I had a nice birthday chat with Danielle and Mom, and one with Joe the night before. Plus Amanda sang me a Happy Birthday song on my phone messages, and Mercy, Alex, and Kenzie sang to me as well.
The kiddos must have missed me too, because before the morning light filled the sky, there were four of my kids in my bed, and I had to get up and move to one of their beds to get any sleep! They showered me with wonderful homemade cards and notes this morning when I awoke, and later Amanda and my sweet friend Sheila both gave me gifts as well.
Thank you all for being a part of my life, and for touching my heart.
It was definitely a Happy Birthday.
Driving long distances doesn't bother me, in fact it I actually like driving alone for long distances as long as the roads are dry. Give me a great audiobook, a roadmap, a pack of gum, some snacks and I'm good to go.
Vail pass was icy and snowy when Ry and I drove out on Wednesday night so going back, I decided to take Highway 50 across Colorado. Sayanora Dorothy. See ya later Toto. Goodbye Kansas. I miss you already Ry.
The drive went well and the roads were dry. The long, flat roads out of Kansas pass by peaceful fields of dry, brown sunflowers with drooping heads bereft of their fullness. Tall grain silos and small clusters of farm houses and aging barns along the way gave a feeling of warm, rich life in contrast to the silent, empty fields. I found my self wondering about the people who lived and worked there, what patterns their daily living followed, and the fabric of their family's lives. I also wished I had my camera with me.
The cool weather turned warm as I sped across southern Colorado where the once straight roads now twisted and curved as they began to wind along the Arkansas River. As I climbed up Pauncho Pass, snow appeared along the sides of the roads, and ice crackled over the bluish-gray water. The car followed the curving road up and then back down the San Juan mountain passes, the wind whipped and the sky began to darken with sullen clouds. Sunlight faded, and inky darkness prevailed.
It was cold, dark, and windy when I stopped to refuel in Grand Junction. I looked forward to crossing into Utah where the silent mountains formations that make up Central Utah would surround me as I traveled across to I-15, and then finally south, and home.
It was refreshing to me to just be alone for a long time. Perhaps I'm a bit odd that way, but driving alone calms me. No expectations. No requests from kids. No dishes or laundry staring me in the face. Just me, my thoughts, and the open road.
I watched the gauge showing the outside temperature climb as I dropped down past New Harmony and into Toquerville, and then into town. It was about midnight when I pulled in the drive, parked the car, and carried in my bags. Mercy was stretched out on my bed snuggled next to Jonnie, and as I put the bags down on my bedroom floor, I noticed a package and a handmade card sitting on my nightstand.
Rachel,
I hope you have a great birthday.
It has been fun getting to know you and your cute family.
I have enjoyed your friendship.
Happy Birthday!
Camille
Inside the box was a beautiful "WillowTree" figurine, a brown haired woman breathing in the aroma of the bundle of flowers in her arms. Graceful, simple, and perfect.
My eyes misted as I read the card, but when I opened the box, I sat and cried for 20 minutes. How did she even know when my birthday was?
Thank you Camille, more than you know.
And thank you to all of the rest of you who sent me such wonderful birthday texts and messages as I drove. I had a nice birthday chat with Danielle and Mom, and one with Joe the night before. Plus Amanda sang me a Happy Birthday song on my phone messages, and Mercy, Alex, and Kenzie sang to me as well.
The kiddos must have missed me too, because before the morning light filled the sky, there were four of my kids in my bed, and I had to get up and move to one of their beds to get any sleep! They showered me with wonderful homemade cards and notes this morning when I awoke, and later Amanda and my sweet friend Sheila both gave me gifts as well.
Thank you all for being a part of my life, and for touching my heart.
It was definitely a Happy Birthday.
Monday, November 15, 2010
11:00 and All's Well!
Do you remember watching Disney's Robin Hood as a kid? Ry's sister Barb bought it for our family when we were little and it never ceases to entertain me. I don't know how many hundreds of times I have watched that and still love every bit of it. Okay, so that has nothing to do with my post except for the part where the Nutsy is on guard duty and yells out "All's Well!"
Everything IS much better today. I only got woken up three times last night by the kiddos, took another nap this morning, and another this afternoon. Sleep always helps. And a nice conversation with my man helped too.
And I realized that it might be helpful for y'all to know really where I'm at. On a scale of 0-100, with 0 being no depression whatsoever and 100 being properly diagnosed as clinically depressed and in need of intervention.... I was at about 1,000 for 18 months after Jonnie was born and my anxiety levels were at 10,000. Yesterday -- I was about 20. Today, I'm at a 1. No big deal.
Today I laughed, I joked, I sang. Three songs in fact - all with my kids. We played Boggle and listened to Carolina give her oral report on the Statue of Liberty for Family Night, after reading the prophet Joseph Smith's teachings on prayer. I played hide and seek with Jonnie and his blanket before bedtime, went shopping with Tali and Ty, and bought posterboard to make Daisy's student of the week poster with.
And, I got a call back on an application and set up a job interview for tomorrow. Wish me luck, I might just get it.
Life is good.
Everything IS much better today. I only got woken up three times last night by the kiddos, took another nap this morning, and another this afternoon. Sleep always helps. And a nice conversation with my man helped too.
And I realized that it might be helpful for y'all to know really where I'm at. On a scale of 0-100, with 0 being no depression whatsoever and 100 being properly diagnosed as clinically depressed and in need of intervention.... I was at about 1,000 for 18 months after Jonnie was born and my anxiety levels were at 10,000. Yesterday -- I was about 20. Today, I'm at a 1. No big deal.
Today I laughed, I joked, I sang. Three songs in fact - all with my kids. We played Boggle and listened to Carolina give her oral report on the Statue of Liberty for Family Night, after reading the prophet Joseph Smith's teachings on prayer. I played hide and seek with Jonnie and his blanket before bedtime, went shopping with Tali and Ty, and bought posterboard to make Daisy's student of the week poster with.
And, I got a call back on an application and set up a job interview for tomorrow. Wish me luck, I might just get it.
Life is good.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Seizures
Taliesin had another seizure yesterday morning. Many of you might remember that he had some about a year ago, and after mega testing, nothing could be found wrong. The doctors decided that it was his response to injury or perceived trauma. Gratefully, that's all it is. No major medical issues, he just goes into a seizure when another person might get a bit dizzy or possibly faint.
It stresses me out. Big time.
I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again. This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too. After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.
I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens. I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.
But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.
You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in. I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.
I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress. I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this. I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.
I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out. It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this. I'll be okay. I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today. I miss him so much.
Typing and writing it down helps though. I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps. I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful. Ever so grateful.
I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy. It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
It stresses me out. Big time.
I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again. This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too. After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.
I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens. I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.
But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.
You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in. I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.
I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress. I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this. I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.
I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out. It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this. I'll be okay. I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today. I miss him so much.
Typing and writing it down helps though. I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps. I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful. Ever so grateful.
I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy. It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Peach Days
Eliza and Eric came down to visit this weekend. It is so much fun to hang out with my sister!! She and Eric were kind enough to be my models. These were taken impromptu, they didn't expect to have their pictures taken until later, but I thought they both looked great and so I grabbed my camera and asked them to take a few minutes with me. The "Hurricane Peach Days" Parade had been held that morning, and some nice farmer with really cool trucks had taken the liberty of parking them in front of my house (fine with me!) We grabbed a few shots there before we went down the street to the Heritage Museum. I'll post more pics of my beautiful sis after I get more edited... but here's a sneak peak.
Before they came down, I was busy making Butterscotch Peach Pie. Ry doesn't like a "regular" pie crust, and I'd been thinking about making a crisp, sweet oatmeal crust and adding caramel to the pie for a few days. After combining a few recipes and taste testing three pies, we liked this combination as the best result. Warning -- best eaten fresh and hot with some Breyer's Natural Vanilla ice cream - or sweet cream whipped at home.
Enjoy!!
Oatmeal Cookie Crust
1 cup oats
1/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/3 c. butter
1/2 tsp vanilla
2 Tbsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp white sugar
Butterscotch Filling
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 Tbsp flour
1/4 c. butter
2 tsp lemon juice
dash salt
1/4-1/2 tsp cinnamon
dash nutmeg
1/2 tsp vanilla
Directions:
Prepare the pie crust. Pack it in thick in a 8-9" pie pan and bake til slightly golden. (Approximately 400 degrees for 8 minutes?) (If you'd like some extra oatmeal topping for the top of the pie - make an extra batch of oatmeal crust to sprinkle on top of the pie.)
While the crust is cooking, grab a saucepan. Combine all the ingredients for butterscotch filling except the vanilla and lemon juice. Continuously stir with a wooden spoon and cook until bubbly and all the sugar is dissolved. It may look a bit too thick - but never fear, add the lemon juice. Dip a spoon in, let it cool a bit, and taste it -- then add the vanilla (optional). Does it need another sprinkle of salt to bring out the flavor? Cook until it's a rich caramel color and you can tell it's the consistency of a heavy syrup or thicker. Pull off the heat and let it sit for a minute while you peel and slice the fresh peaches into your baked pie crust.
To assemble the pie, place the sliced peaches into the crust and pour the butterscotch all over the peaches, taking care to cover all areas. Your butterscotch and crust should still be hot, so no need to rebake the pie. Enjoy it with ice cream or whipped cream on top!
Before they came down, I was busy making Butterscotch Peach Pie. Ry doesn't like a "regular" pie crust, and I'd been thinking about making a crisp, sweet oatmeal crust and adding caramel to the pie for a few days. After combining a few recipes and taste testing three pies, we liked this combination as the best result. Warning -- best eaten fresh and hot with some Breyer's Natural Vanilla ice cream - or sweet cream whipped at home.
Enjoy!!
Oatmeal Cookie Crust
1 cup oats
1/3 cup flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/3 c. butter
1/2 tsp vanilla
2 Tbsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp white sugar
Butterscotch Filling
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 Tbsp flour
1/4 c. butter
2 tsp lemon juice
dash salt
1/4-1/2 tsp cinnamon
dash nutmeg
1/2 tsp vanilla
Directions:
Prepare the pie crust. Pack it in thick in a 8-9" pie pan and bake til slightly golden. (Approximately 400 degrees for 8 minutes?) (If you'd like some extra oatmeal topping for the top of the pie - make an extra batch of oatmeal crust to sprinkle on top of the pie.)
While the crust is cooking, grab a saucepan. Combine all the ingredients for butterscotch filling except the vanilla and lemon juice. Continuously stir with a wooden spoon and cook until bubbly and all the sugar is dissolved. It may look a bit too thick - but never fear, add the lemon juice. Dip a spoon in, let it cool a bit, and taste it -- then add the vanilla (optional). Does it need another sprinkle of salt to bring out the flavor? Cook until it's a rich caramel color and you can tell it's the consistency of a heavy syrup or thicker. Pull off the heat and let it sit for a minute while you peel and slice the fresh peaches into your baked pie crust.
To assemble the pie, place the sliced peaches into the crust and pour the butterscotch all over the peaches, taking care to cover all areas. Your butterscotch and crust should still be hot, so no need to rebake the pie. Enjoy it with ice cream or whipped cream on top!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Aches and heartaches
So I wake up in the middle of the night with a mean stomach-ache. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired I can't tell you how tired. I need my sleep. But no - I have a stomach-ache, and sleep is not easily coming.
This morning, I am finally sleeping, for a while at least. The little boys stayed home from church with me, so in between sleeping, I am also feeding Jonnie his Cheerios and milk. I finally drag myself out of bed when the bowl he brought me is emptied but I still don't feel like doing anything at all. Daisy has turned on "Cheaper By The Dozen" - the old version - which I love, so I put my contacts in and curl up on the couch to watch it with her. I love the look on his face as he holds baby #12 and his wife looks over his shoulder down at the baby. Such a precious picture of love.
When the movie is over I spy my computer. I feel like someone hit the back of my neck with a very big stick and my whole body feels swollen, but I can lounge on the couch with my laptop right?
Really, I feel awful, and want to do nothing but go back to bed. But as awful as I feel, I feel lucky too. My sweet friend Sheila told me yesterday that her daughter's husband is facing lymphoma. Cancer is such an ugly form of torture, and having the body aches is such a minimal thing to deal with when others face such life and death illness. I look at my husband sitting on the couch and think how blessed I am that he is healthy. And happy. This year has definitely had some major life changes for us both, but especially for him. He has struggled and it has been so heartwrenching to watch him.
And lets be honest. Sometimes I've just been super angry at him for the way he has dealt (or not dealt) with certain things.
But all of that doesn't matter when I see him crawl around the floor, laughing and chasing Jonnie. Or when he wakes me up with a kiss to tell me goodbye before he leaves for work. And the things I get upset about become completely insignificant and outright stupid when I think how it would be to face having him ill with cancer, and staring death in the face.
He's not. I'm grateful more than I can say. And my heart aches more than my body right now for my friend Camille and her family and the reality they face. So say a prayer for Camille and Ralph, and for their family.
I'm going to snuggle up on Ry's lap right now and enjoy the time I have with him.
BTW, the photos is from a day when he was being an impromptu model for me as I scoped out decent angles at a difficult location where I'll be shooting an upcoming wedding. He didn't realize I was taking a photo just at this moment though, and I liked it. SOOC without any editing, and horrible lighting, but it's a picture of him and I love it just for that. He's so completely supportive no matter what hair-brained idea I come up with or new adventure I start out on. Thanks Babe!
Rachel
This morning, I am finally sleeping, for a while at least. The little boys stayed home from church with me, so in between sleeping, I am also feeding Jonnie his Cheerios and milk. I finally drag myself out of bed when the bowl he brought me is emptied but I still don't feel like doing anything at all. Daisy has turned on "Cheaper By The Dozen" - the old version - which I love, so I put my contacts in and curl up on the couch to watch it with her. I love the look on his face as he holds baby #12 and his wife looks over his shoulder down at the baby. Such a precious picture of love.
When the movie is over I spy my computer. I feel like someone hit the back of my neck with a very big stick and my whole body feels swollen, but I can lounge on the couch with my laptop right?
Really, I feel awful, and want to do nothing but go back to bed. But as awful as I feel, I feel lucky too. My sweet friend Sheila told me yesterday that her daughter's husband is facing lymphoma. Cancer is such an ugly form of torture, and having the body aches is such a minimal thing to deal with when others face such life and death illness. I look at my husband sitting on the couch and think how blessed I am that he is healthy. And happy. This year has definitely had some major life changes for us both, but especially for him. He has struggled and it has been so heartwrenching to watch him.
And lets be honest. Sometimes I've just been super angry at him for the way he has dealt (or not dealt) with certain things.
 |
He's not. I'm grateful more than I can say. And my heart aches more than my body right now for my friend Camille and her family and the reality they face. So say a prayer for Camille and Ralph, and for their family.
I'm going to snuggle up on Ry's lap right now and enjoy the time I have with him.
BTW, the photos is from a day when he was being an impromptu model for me as I scoped out decent angles at a difficult location where I'll be shooting an upcoming wedding. He didn't realize I was taking a photo just at this moment though, and I liked it. SOOC without any editing, and horrible lighting, but it's a picture of him and I love it just for that. He's so completely supportive no matter what hair-brained idea I come up with or new adventure I start out on. Thanks Babe!
Rachel
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Stillness
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| Tuweap overlook of the Grand Canyon, photo by me, of course. |
Fun fact for you - I'm afraid of heights.
No, that's not true.
I'm petrified of heights. Yes, I think that says it a little better.
Have you ever driven on a mountain road when it's zig-zagging up the side of the mountain and one side is up against the side of the cliff and the other side is a sheer drop off and every time the wheels on the car spin they shoot a bit of gravel off the side of the road and you can watch it fall gently down the side of the mountain as though it hasn't a care in the world nor does it know that in a moment it will be pummeling into the earth below and as a result will probably no longer even be a rock but a bit of powder for the wind to blow away? (And yes I know that was a run on sentence but that's about how much goes through my brain every time the wheels on the van turn, so pretty please, bear with me.) It scares me to pieces and I really prefer that Ryan drive on these roads, when I am asleep, and never tell me we ever drove on that particular road in the first place.
But I'm straying. Fear of heights is not what this is about today.... it's about our outing to the Grand Canyon, which thankfully did not entail a drive up a zig-zaggy cliff.
So, lucky us - and I mean that - we had friends and family come visit us for the weekend and they took us on a drive out to Tuweap (or Toroweap as you sometimes see it spelled). This particular view of the Grand Canyon is stunning, and totally worth the long-ish drive to get there. The pictures I took really don't do it justice.
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| Ryan and Jonnie, overlooking the Colorado River |
So imagine this. Me - petrified of losing someone over the edge, and 15 kids - 7 of whom are mine, all running loose at the edge of a 3000 foot drop off. My idea of a fun time!
For the first 20 minutes, I panicked. A lot. And told myself to breathe. A lot.
Because otherwise I was a little bit out of my mind.
But after they got all their wiggles out from the car ride and got tired of looking over the cliff, they started running around inland. Then, I was finally able to enjoy it.
The Grand Canyon is breathtaking, to say the least. I simply cannot wrap my brain around
how this river cut so deep into the sandstone, and between the wind and rushing water, the canyon was
formed. It's incredible.
It's also peaceful. And still. That is probably what struck me most - the stillness.
After the kids all went back to the truck for lunch and I knew that Ryan had Jonnie, I had a few moments to just sit. And look. And as I sat on the ledge looking northward, I knew that somewhere down below branches were rustling in the wind and a bird was fluttering by. There were probably even chipmunks running around, or a lizard lying in the sun. But I couldn't see any of it. Everything was still, and being there helps your mind become still too.
Enjoy the pics. I hope that just for a moment, you can imagine being there, and enjoy the peacefulness and stillness that we need in our lives every once in a while.
Hugs,
Rachel
PS... there are some other shots of the kids there. Thanks for coming to visit us y'all!
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| Laura, sitting at the edge of the drop off. |
See the boat in the water near the bottom of the picture? Yes, it's there. Look again.
Here it is "up close". Now, I have a super zoom camera, and this is as close as I could get to the boat.
Hopefully this gives you a perspective of how deep and wide the canyon and river are at this point.
(There are deeper sections of the canyon.)
And a few more just for fun.
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| Ty, Ta, Ash - three buddies. |
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| Boston, enjoying a nice cold root beer. |
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| Jonnie and Braelin in the "peek-a-boo" rock. |
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| My cousin Kaitlyn stayed the weekend and went with us. Fun to see you Kait! |
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday Fave
It's Friday, and I decided that I would post one of my favorite pics from each week on Friday. Now, the picture I wish I had to post, is one from last night. You see, we went to the county fair, and the kids all entered the ice cream eating contest. Anyone who knows Ryan and I should not be surprised to hear that four of the kids won either first or second place in their age group on how fast they could down a bunch of ice cream. Even little sweet, innocent Carolina - my dainty princess - shoved those ice cream sandwiches in her mouth as fast as possible, and with ice cream dripping all over her face and hands, she stood up and won first place.
But alas, I forgot to grab my camera as we walked out the door. So... here is my Fave Friday pic.
It's of the monument at Mountain Meadows here in Southern Utah. Not the most pleasant event to remember... but the field trip out there was a neat experience and I love that the feeling of the place came across in the photo.
Enjoy!
But alas, I forgot to grab my camera as we walked out the door. So... here is my Fave Friday pic.
It's of the monument at Mountain Meadows here in Southern Utah. Not the most pleasant event to remember... but the field trip out there was a neat experience and I love that the feeling of the place came across in the photo.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Friends
Originally posted February 4, 2009
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| Christmas morning, best friends. |
Have you ever imagined life without friends? I told you this blog was partly to answer the question “how do I do it?” I can tell you - the only way my family has made it through the past two months is because of help and love and support from friends. So this post is a tribute to them. Thought it seems woefully inadequate for what we feel in our hearts -- Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am humbled by the love and friendship you have all given me in so many ways, and by the grace of God that I have so many friends when I feel so undeserving.
To Alina and Ellen, for rescuing my house, taking such a tremendous load off of Ryan, and helping me laugh.
To Rich, for giving Ryan a much needed break.
To Nan, for loving me and caring.
To Joe, for being the best big brother anyone could ever ask for.
To Vicki, for taking me to the sunshine, and reaching out to me with so much understanding.
To her kids and family, for letting her and Alina leave for so long!
To Becky, for letting me get some much needed naps!
To Cicile, for the VERY well timed treat of pizza for dinner!
To Valena, for caring and understanding.
To Sil, for giving me a hug and reminding me sometimes a mother’s love doesn’t always have to come from my mom.
To Vana, for sending hope along with the sweet letter.
To Carmen, for stopping by and asking questions, and for your sweet concern. Thanks.
To Danielle, for calling to see if I was okay, and calling again when I didn’t answer the phone.
To Val, for not freaking out when I was freaking out.
To Natalie, for being a friend without needing to understand.
To Laura, for babysitting and being so willing to.
To Mercy, for smiling and being my right hand.
To Taliesin, for rocking Jonnie and taking care of Brae.
To Tyler, for missing me.
To Valena, for letting your girls come help clean the house.
To Grandma Nancy, for the blanket of love and sweet note.
To Jill for taking over the regional presentation - and for helping me talk through my fears.
To Shauna, for picking up what I had to drop, and not making me feel bad for it.
To Laura and Heather for picking up the pieces of my team.
To Rebecca, AnnMaree, Tina, Susan, Heather, Laura, Shauna, Bobbi, Valena, and everyone else, who have emailed your love and support.
And to all of your families too!
And last but not least, to Ryan. Thank you for not leaving me alone, for holding me when I cried, and for helping me take it one day at a time. You’ve been amazing.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Good Day With PPD
Originally Posted January 10, 2009
If you've ever had a kid then you know people always ask about the baby. "How is the new baby?" they'll say. "How are you liking that new baby?" and "Aren't you just loving that new baby?"
My response "Oh, he's so cute!" And he is. The truth is, the baby is fine. I like the baby. I love the baby.
Some very thoughtful people who know I've struggled with postpartum depression in the past even ask about me. "How are you doing?" they'll say. "How are you holding up?" And I say "I'm doing okay! Ryan's been awesome and we're lucky he's been able to be home with the kids to help so much."
And, that's the truth. Ryan is awesome, he has been SO very extremely helpful. And I am okay. After all, I'm not drowning the kids like you sadly hear about sometimes in the news. I'm not even stabbing myself like 'this woman' did. And, the very fact that I am talking to them in person or on the phone means that I really am doing okay - that day. There are, after all, times when I can psyche myself up to function and talk myself into doing something fairly normal like having a conversation with someone. But for those who really dig deeper, and I mean dig because I'm not the one to usually spill my guts unless you do dig... here is the bigger truth.
The bigger truth is that indeed, I have PPD again. I thought I was doing pretty well. I think I was really. And then I had trouble nursing the baby because I got some flesh eating bacteria and nursing was out of the question, so I started pumping when absolutely necessary and bottle feeding formula the rest of the time. The result? My hormones shifted WAY to fast and furious I guess... because I got slammed and knocked on my rear and PPD this time took on a whole new form of torture.
I have good days. These are the days where I spend most of my time in my bedroom but I'm not crying the whole day, just part of it. The children will run in and out of my room and talk to me and I can handle it for the most part or at least for short periods of time before I redirect them to "go get a drink" or "go check on your brother" or "go... whatever." I do enjoy them around me, just for very short periods of time and not all at once and not if they are talking much above a loud whisper.
I know that it is crazy to have this many children and yet not be able to tolerate them around me and I have to remind myself that again it is the rollercoaster of hormonal and chemical imbalance raging within me that causes me to be so sensitive to overstimulation because that's not how I feel. I feel completely wound up and like a horrible mother because I am and because it takes so much work for me to have them around me for more than 30 seconds before I want to freak out on them. Everything is magnified. Smells, feelings, and sounds especially. But I am grateful too. Grateful that I have learned methods of coping with this from past experiences so that even though I am feeling like a crazed psychotic woman -- at least I am not acting like a scary mother from hell. Odd yes, and they do notice that I'm different... but still I'm grateful that I have learned that I can close my eyes and breathe instead of scream and yell. I can ask them to leave when I first feel the keyed up feelings instead of waiting til I'm past my blowing point. I'm grateful that I have children who still run back in a few minutes later because they love me.
Today is a good day, and I'm glad for it. Now if I could only get my good days to be my bad days I'd feel much better.
(As always, I love to hear your comments. Drop me an email at bookwishlist@myubah.com)
A Single Rose...
Originally posted January 10, 2009
Bouncing a screaming baby as you walk up and down the hall isn’t anything new. Anyone who has ever had kids knows what I’m talking about. Well, that’s what I did tonight. At 8:30 I said prayers with the children and put them to bed. At 8:31 Jonnie started screaming because ... a bubble? I’m not sure but I think that’s why. (If you are one of those really great moms who has it figured out why the baby is screaming this time... feel free to leave me your great wisdom.)
Walk down the hall bouncing my screaming baby.
Walk back down the hall and put Braelin back in bed.
Walk down the hall bouncing.
Walk back and put Braelin in bed again.
Bounce the baby.
Put Braelin in bed.
Bounce the baby.
Put Braelin in bed.
You get the picture. This continued from 8:30 til 10:00 when the baby finally fell asleep. Then I picked Braelin up and started walking him up and down the hall. I know, I should be firm and make him stay in bed, but what can I say? He just had his world rocked with a new baby too, so I’m a pushover.
Well, that worked great til 10:10 when the baby woke back up screaming. Braelin went back to bed, I bounced Jonnie again and we started the process all over.
Bounce, put Braelin in bed.
Bounce, put Braelin in bed.
Bounce, put Braelin in bed.
At 10:30 I finally gave up on keeping Braelin in bed. Jonnie went back to sleep at 11:05. At 11:10 I could hear Ryan walk in the door from a late night at work. And, at 11:11, the baby woke back up. I put my head in my hands and let him cry for a minute before I picked him back up and started bouncing again... but as I reached the end of the hallway, Ryan was there holding a single red rose.
And that’s how I’m able to still keep doing what I do... Thanks Ryan.
(To my readers: As always, I love to hear your comments! Drop me an email at bookwishlist@myubah.com)
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