True Friends...

I can't begin to tell you how healing the past month has been for me, or how good it feels to feel good.  Somehow, some way, I know that I have turned a corner. My soul has been touched, and some of the gaping wounds in my heart have been closed up. Sometimes I just sit and reflect in wonder and amazement at the difference, at why there has been such a difference, and at the difference one person can make.

True, some things still hurt. Some parts of my heart still feel new and tender... but I think that there is nothing wrong with remembering the pain, for it makes us appreciate the love and healing more fully.

I have truly been blessed, not once, but many times, with the "cream of the crop" as friends in my life. You have each taught me something... but some of you have been there for me and helped me in more ways than you could ever know, and more ways than I ever could have dreamed or asked for.

To my particular friend from years ago, you know who you are... thank you for believing in me more than I believed in myself. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. Thank you for loving me, and through that, helping me see the things I needed to see. I miss you.

To my brother Joe, his wives and children. You are the ones who have never left my side. Thank you for loving me fully and truly. Thank you for your encouragement, your love, and your help. I am so proud of you, and also still a bit incredulous that you count me as a close friend in your life.

To the friend I never expected to have. You deserve more love than you could ever imagine, and more than you could ever hope for. The people in your life that don't know that, just don't know you - and they have missed out on so much.  Thank you for helping me to forgive.  Thank you for helping me feel, for the first time in what seems like forever, that I wasn't broken anymore. You are truly a gift and one I treasure.
 
And last but not least, to Ryan, my best friend, the one who knows me inside and out ... and yet loves me still. Thank you for choosing me again. Thank you for making sure I know I matter, for making sure I know you care.  You've held me together when I've been shattered to pieces. Your heart has wrapped around mine and kept it beating more times than one. You've never given up on me and I don't understand why - but I'm grateful. Father in Heaven knew what he was doing when he blessed me with you, you are exactly what I need. I only hope I can be as much to you and more, because you deserve it.   I love you without end, and just when I think I love you as much as I could ever love anyone, I fall in love with you all over again.  Thank you Ryan. LYM.

Rachel

Seizures

Taliesin had another seizure yesterday morning. Many of you might remember that he had some about a year ago, and after mega testing, nothing could be found wrong.  The doctors decided that it was his response to injury or perceived trauma.  Gratefully, that's all it is.  No major medical issues, he just goes into a seizure when another person might get a bit dizzy or possibly faint.

It stresses me out. Big time.

I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again.  This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too.  After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.

I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens.  I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.

But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.

You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in.  I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.

I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress.  I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this.  I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.

I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out.  It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this.  I'll be okay.  I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today.  I miss him so much.

Typing and writing it down helps though.  I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps.  I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful.  Ever so grateful.

I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy.  It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.

Tomorrow is a new day.

As a child

My heart is filled with gratitude at the un-ending mercies and grace of God in Heaven above. When I get done being in emotional upheaval and just focus on what is good and right and remember the many prayers that have been prayed and sit in awe of the many prayers that have been answered, my heart swells and my eyes weep.

It's so easy to feel like there are so many things I can't fix right now, so many worries that I don't know how will ever turn out, and yet with one blink of an eye or motion of the hand HE can make everything work out. Too often, I forget. Too often, I rely on myself instead of on Him.

I am still His child and I'm not sure I ever want to grow up. I love His warm embrace when I run to Him. I still need His arms around me when I hurt. At His feet I kneel to pray. It is His loving face I always want to see when I look up after the tears, and He is there for me. It is eternal hope in Him that I trust and rely on. How can he be so gracious and kind, when I am just me? I can breathe when I feel the burdens lifted on my chest, after finally remembering who is in charge.

He is my Father. I am His child. I am blessed.

Mother

A mother’s love, it knows no bounds
And yet it’s selfish in its rounds
A hug, a kiss, upon the cheek
A palm apress the forehead, weak.

Each day she toils for her brood
She works and struggles, if only they knew
Her heart she gives with worries worn
Her life is riddled, wounds open, torn.

And yet a joy and peace prevails
Her struggles, sorrows, and travails
Are yes, a labor, long of life
But with them comes her breath of life.

She hurts and yet, there is no pain
When once they succeed, joy doth reign.
Her children fill her heart sincere
With love and gratitude that she’s here.

Her job is light, her step is quick
When their arms fling around her neck
She smiles and bright the sunshine rays
When their smiles lighten up her days.

She makes mistakes, she has regrets
Her love is not perfection yet
But while she labors, while they grow
Endeavors fruits will not yet show.

When they embrace the grownups’ land
When the enchantress finds her man
When they become fresh parents new
When they realize their mistakes anew

Appreciation grows within their breast
Their hearts may not be put arest
But as the seeds of understanding lie
Beneath the shadows of their life

They’ll grow in love and gratitude
And temperance fan their hardened mood
They’ll one day sit and watch anew
Their memories of her now reviewed

Will see the efforts, some in vain
Will see her life, see past the pain
Her heart may yet be beating still
Or ‘haps she stands hid by the veil.

Her tears now stream down cheek and cheek
Her joy filled heart no longer sinks
Her memories of those toil worn days
‘Haps enveloped with understanding’s rays.

And as the new babe b’gins to grow
From tooth to tooth, then to lasso
Mistakes afresh they too will strew
And ample tears, frustration through

Their paths will be one circling round
Their feet will walk a trampled ground
Of parents near and parents far
All trying their best, all baring their hearts

And in the softened time worn frame
Where love entwined with children reign
The babe will reap the love unbound
Of parents’ love, perfection unfound.

But at the Master’s piercen feet
They’ll all be met, they all will greet
Aft long review of each their lives
Their judgements, efforts, and their strifes.

The Saviors love and grace unbound
Will encircle them around
They praise and thank, humility shown
Their Savior while knelt at His throne.