Holes

I had a realization today that is still settling in, still tossing and turning around in my head.

I could feel it before I could say it.

I realized that sometimes having holes in a heart allows it to stretch farther and wider than it ever could before. I was amazed really, when I stopped and considered how one heart can wrap around and reach so many places... so many people. And thankful.

And once I began to think about it, I was left with tears streaming down my face. Tears, because for all the holes my heart has, it is still worth something. And for all the pain I watch in others, there is still good that comes of it.

It is God's gift really, and it made me think that the holes in our Saviors hands and feet, and the wound in his side are just one one of the many ways he loves us, and heals us. It is a showing of the many gifts He gave us. Love. Repentance. Faith. Hope.

Who am I to be angry at the holes in my heart, when the Savior bore the suffering and pain of the world and everyone in it?

Something else occurred to me, too. I suddenly realized that because there are holes in my heart, they allow the pain to drain out. I could plug up the holes... but then I wouldn't be able to release the pain.

For once... I'm not angry that the holes are there, and the hurt isn't quite so great.

I am more able to forgive the ones who put so many of those holes there. I am more able to let go of the anger and rage at myself for not being complete, and perfectly without holes.

It feels good to let go.

Unloading...

Do you ever get to the point where you have so much rolling around in your heart and brain that none of them have an outlet? You try to write and you end up erasing your sentences and changing your topics as fast as you can type and delete?  I went to write a Facebook status update and ended up typing and deleting about 8 of them before I finally gave up.

It's not a matter of things being to difficult to process... or even xtreme in their need for processing, but more just the sheer number of things going on in my head at once. All of them important. All of them evoking emotion. All of them, all at once.

I'm trying to narrow it down to just one at a time so I can think it through, identify, process and resolve.

Easier said than done.

But I've got to do it... and all of cyberspace doesn't need or especially want to hear about every detail.

Changes

Last year, for me, was a year of healing.  This year, feels like it will be a year of change.  Not just for my life, but for many of my friends and family too.  Not that last year wasn't full of changes... it definitely was.

One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.

My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment.  Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.

I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.

I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks.  I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake.  I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.

I also want Ryan home with us each night.  When we moved here, it felt like home.  It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years.  I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.

Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.

Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does.  Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships.  Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one.  Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.

Maybe.  But really, I just miss him.

I love you Ry.

No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part.  We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!)  I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon.  3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.


"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...


"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...

"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these.  Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...

"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

And then later...

"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"

Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning.  There really was a good reason for that headache I had!

But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.

Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.

Seizures

Taliesin had another seizure yesterday morning. Many of you might remember that he had some about a year ago, and after mega testing, nothing could be found wrong.  The doctors decided that it was his response to injury or perceived trauma.  Gratefully, that's all it is.  No major medical issues, he just goes into a seizure when another person might get a bit dizzy or possibly faint.

It stresses me out. Big time.

I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again.  This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too.  After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.

I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens.  I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.

But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.

You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in.  I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.

I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress.  I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this.  I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.

I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out.  It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this.  I'll be okay.  I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today.  I miss him so much.

Typing and writing it down helps though.  I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps.  I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful.  Ever so grateful.

I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy.  It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Red Headed Angels

I thought about what to post today, what in my life is interesting enough to share right now? Which workouts we did this morning?  (Pilates for muffin tops and Kickboxing). The stress about how to pay the bills?  (I don't want to think about it much less write about it!)  Job interview yesterday? (Blah!) My cute kids and how adorable they are? (Every post could be about that!!)

But then I remembered, it's August 17th! And it just so happens that today is the birthday of not one - but TWO amazing red heads!!  So, this post is for them.

To my beautiful niece Jerusha on her 17th birthday - you are an amazingly talented artist with such a giving heart.  You look at things with such wonder and see beyond the color the eyes see to the color the heart sees. You find beauty and inspiration in the people around you as well as the world around you, and you have so much to give.  Your personality pops and your smile can't help but make others smile with you.  May the next year bring you happiness and ever closer to our Savior.  Happy Birthday!  (And I don't have ANY pics of you, so next time you come down..... lets go take some :)

Best buds!  Jaden is a miniature version of her mom. 

To my dear friend Tiffanie who I miss so much - Tiff is just one of those people that make you say "I want to be more like her when I grow up!" I prayed that Glen would marry an angel and he did.  Tiff, you have one of the most kind, thoughtful, and caring hearts I know.  Your strength of heart is exceeded only by your beauty and talent. I don't think you know still how much your phone calls and visits and hanging out with me helped me not to go crazy with PPD after Carolina was born. Your support and love have been so helpful over the years. If I had a tenth of the energy, compassion, devotion, consistency, and preparation that you have, I'd be so much better off! You are amazing and hold a special place in both mine and Ryan's hearts. Your kids are beautiful, and funny as well.  I'm glad Tali will always have his special Jaden friend.

I hope this year you will embrace your talent with photography and not only have fun with it but be confident enough to make some money with it because you certainly have the talent and ability for it!  I hope also that I'll be able to come up for a bit and visit, or that you'll be able to come down here. I truly do miss you.  Happy Birthday!

Lots of love to you all...

Rachel

Mother

A mother’s love, it knows no bounds
And yet it’s selfish in its rounds
A hug, a kiss, upon the cheek
A palm apress the forehead, weak.

Each day she toils for her brood
She works and struggles, if only they knew
Her heart she gives with worries worn
Her life is riddled, wounds open, torn.

And yet a joy and peace prevails
Her struggles, sorrows, and travails
Are yes, a labor, long of life
But with them comes her breath of life.

She hurts and yet, there is no pain
When once they succeed, joy doth reign.
Her children fill her heart sincere
With love and gratitude that she’s here.

Her job is light, her step is quick
When their arms fling around her neck
She smiles and bright the sunshine rays
When their smiles lighten up her days.

She makes mistakes, she has regrets
Her love is not perfection yet
But while she labors, while they grow
Endeavors fruits will not yet show.

When they embrace the grownups’ land
When the enchantress finds her man
When they become fresh parents new
When they realize their mistakes anew

Appreciation grows within their breast
Their hearts may not be put arest
But as the seeds of understanding lie
Beneath the shadows of their life

They’ll grow in love and gratitude
And temperance fan their hardened mood
They’ll one day sit and watch anew
Their memories of her now reviewed

Will see the efforts, some in vain
Will see her life, see past the pain
Her heart may yet be beating still
Or ‘haps she stands hid by the veil.

Her tears now stream down cheek and cheek
Her joy filled heart no longer sinks
Her memories of those toil worn days
‘Haps enveloped with understanding’s rays.

And as the new babe b’gins to grow
From tooth to tooth, then to lasso
Mistakes afresh they too will strew
And ample tears, frustration through

Their paths will be one circling round
Their feet will walk a trampled ground
Of parents near and parents far
All trying their best, all baring their hearts

And in the softened time worn frame
Where love entwined with children reign
The babe will reap the love unbound
Of parents’ love, perfection unfound.

But at the Master’s piercen feet
They’ll all be met, they all will greet
Aft long review of each their lives
Their judgements, efforts, and their strifes.

The Saviors love and grace unbound
Will encircle them around
They praise and thank, humility shown
Their Savior while knelt at His throne.