The Game

The Game

Take a chance

Make the bet

Go all in…

Pick a card

Lay your heart

On the line

I gave you the queen

You were my king

I looked again

You stole my heart

And made me the fool…

You cheated me 

You took my voice

You took my turn

You took my whole damn hand and then some

And Now I’ve folded

It’s your turn to give me reasons 

It’s your turn to give me hope

It’s your turn to pick up the pieces

It’s your turn to watch me go

I played the game and you won it

You were right all along

But you missed one piece

The ace up my sleeve

You can win the game but I’ll always have new cards

Glue and Living On The Front Porch

“Mom - I need some glue so I can glue you to me all the time.”  - Ada, age seven

She’s the most self expressed child I’ve ever had and also the one that needs the most snuggle time.  She also has no idea what it means to share the spotlight. 

She also got upset at me the other day because I asked her to clean her room and brush her teeth and I wouldn’t let her watch TV until she had done so.  Next thing I know she is standing beside the front door with a packed rolling cooler with a defiant look on her face, waiting for me to notice her.  As soon as I gave her my full attention she announced angrily “I’M LIVING ON THE FRONT PORCH FOR A WHILE!”.  I asked her if she’s running away and she replied “No.”.  I teased her “Should I give your bedroom away?”  She yelled at me, “NO!  I’M JUST LIVING ON THE FRONT PORCH FOR A WHILE.” And proceeded to slam the door behind her as she walked out. 

I looked out the front window a few minutes later and she is sitting on the front walkway holding up a hand lettered sign that says HELP!  After dying laughing, I walked out to take some photos of her. 

“Don’t take my picture!” She angrily snapped at me. 

“Why not?  I think we should take a picture of the day you lived on the front porch for a while.”

She thought about it for a minute and replied in a snappy tone “Only if you send it to Grammy Kim.  If SHE were here she would RESCUE ME!”

“What do you have in the cooler?”, I asked.  She opened it. Inside were snacks, some toys, and one of my sweaters (even though it was a warm August day). 

She sat out there for a while and when I checked on her next she was wearing the sweater and eating a banana and a piece of bread spread thick with Nutella. Her hands were messy and Daisy said “You need to wash your hands so it doesn’t get on Mom’s sweater.” To which Ada starts walking to the front flower bed and starts digging with her hands while she says “I know! I’m getting some water to wash them off.”  

It took me a moment to realize SHE IS TRYING TO DIG A WELL!  I tried to keep the laughter in as I told her “I don’t think you’ll find water if you dig a hole here sweetie. You probably want to go in the house and wash them in there.”  

The Nutella must have done the trick because after that she was in a very good mood and, apparently, was done living on the porch. 

Peace

 What am I needing? What am I looking for? 

I want peace.  Peace is a state of mind - a way of being. That peace comes from my own thoughts, my own mindset, my own patterns, my own integrity, and my own emotional regulation.  It is not dictated by outside circumstance, situation, setting or those around me.  I am creating peace regardless of who lives where or what they do. I am my own peace. 

I want softness between us. I want things to be able to be processed through without it feeling like bone on bone.

Things that take away my peace: 

When I martyrize and pretend I need to hold the mirror up, dissect, coach, process, or hold him accountable, or get him to show up BEING/DOING what works for our marriage. 

My own victim mindset. Allowing thoughts to create stories that don’t serve me, or us. 

What supports my peace: 

My own daily grounding in intention and being.

My own daily movement and practices that support my physical health. 

My own daily creative expression. 

My own self regulation practices throughout the day. 

My own responsibility, accountability, and clarity. Naming what is happening vs what I think or feel about what is happening.  

Setting down the protections and safety and filtering through betrayal and abandonment wounds - and reaching intentionally for love and softness with myself and with him instead.  Being intentional about what that softness looks like each day, how I’m watering it and how I’m growing it. 

I also want a fundamental shift in our interaction. I want a fundamental shift that feeds that peace and softness, that feeds responsibility, ownership, and everything that has us be in the octagon.   What exactly would that fundamental shift look like?  Well - I can only control what it looks like for me, be what I want to see, and request for what it looks like from him. 

That looks like: 

Commitment driven interaction.  Feelings, fear, and lack of regulation doesn’t hijack what we are committed to, or agreements being honored. 

Self Accountability. This looks like anything outside e step forward and make the repair and cleanup without being prompted. We learn from our mistakes and then SHIFT our being/doing. We make it a point to know where we once would have pretended not to know. We are courageous and bold where in the past we may have avoided.  

Responsibility.We are in ownership, of our thoughts, feelings, results, and impact.  We never pretend the power lies outside of us.  Blame shifting doesn’t happen, and if it does we own it while we practice this, we own it and clean it up immediately.  We don’t live in defensiveness. We process our own unanswered questions and emotional needs. 

Dancing happens. Consistently. Because the work to be close, clean, and clear between us has already been done. Trust is available. And dancing creates joy.  And I get to dance for myself in movement whether he does or not.