Slowly

Slowly, I am learning to be enough, to be okay with me.

Slowly, I am able to smile as I watch my boys alternately fight and play, scream and laugh.

Slowly, I am find myself being okay with just watching them, knowing I am here for them if they need or want to run to me, instead of filling myself with anxiety at how much they fight and how bad of a Mom I am.

Slowly, I am forgiving myself for drowning in postpartum depression after Jonnie was born.

Slowly, I am forgiving myself for not being able to give Braelin the one on one attention he neeeded as he had to learn to adjust to the new baby that took his place.

I am recognizing that they already have forgiven me. They still run to me and hug me, smiling, after I come home from a day at work.

They still want to sit on my lap and read stories in the rocking chair, still want to walk with me to the park.

Slowly, I am able to see the love my older kids still have for me. They have traded in that tiny child relationship for a pre-adult relationship, and while they may not run to hug me when I come home from work... they still smile when I make them dinner.

Slowly, I am able to see that even though my relationship with them is not the picture I had painted in my head... it is a good relationship still. 

I am recognizing that my daughter will still ask for help with homework when she needs it, and still hugs me tightly each morning and night... even if I was a little hard on her that day.

My son still, occasionally, talks for 20 minutes straight about one subject, even though I can only get one or two word answers from him any other time.

He'll still connects, albeit on his own terms, and I am slowly becoming okay with that.

Slowly, I am allowing me to see myself as something besides a horrible mom.

Slowly, I am able to see that the things I see myself lacking in have actually broadened their abilities and independence.

Slowly, I am seeing that the important thing isn't for me to have already done it right -- but for me to keep doing my best.

Slowly, I am finding an acceptance for me.

I like it. I am enough.

My Sweet Chili Peppers

It's amazing how much better the house stays clean when I'm not working 40 hours a week.  Hmmm... maybe I'm not as horrible a housekeeper as I've felt like for the past few months. It's amazing how much more I can get done too! In the past week, I've painted the girls room (cream), the boys room (butterscotch brown), the stairway landing (white), the front porch (sandy red), the front steps, back steps, back stairway and railing (forest green), half the picket fence (white), and touch ups all over the house.

I'm painted out, for the moment... and although I would love to be at the lake right now, soaking up some sun, someone borrowed my pass. So... I decided instead to edit some photos I took of the kids in May.

I hope you enjoy them.  My Chili Peppers are the highlights of my life :)

- Rachel

Visitors

A week ago, the kids and I came back from a long trip away from home. Anyone who has seven kids and has been gone for a week knows that you have a lot of clean up, sorting laundry, and work to do when you  finally get home. Well... we hadn't done all the work yet, and the house was still a mess. In fact, a little before we got home, Jonnie piped up in his carseat and said,  

"Mom, I'm pooped."

"Okay," I said, "We'll change you as soon as we get home."

"You're not going to throw me in the bathtub," he said worriedly. (He hates to bath!)

"No. We'll just change your diaper, okay?"  

Well, he was asking if I was going to give him a bath for good reason.  We went to get him out of his carseat and realized he had done more than just filled his diaper - he had a poop explosion!  It was everywhere!  We spent the next half hour cleaning everything up, and then I jumped into the van again and ran to a job interview. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. The kids were exhausted. I decided we would clean the house the next day.

BAD IDEA. The next morning I let the kids sleep in, and as I'm sitting on the porch couch enjoying the peace and quiet of the morning, here comes a big shiny suburban pulling into my long driveway. "Who is that," I wonder. Pretty soon, out pops our good friends Mark, Paul, Steve, and their Dad.

Now, let me paint this picture a little more clearly.  I'm sitting on the couch on the front porch, lounging while I look up job listings on my laptop. I have no bra on yet, I haven't combed my hair, brushed my teeth, or put my makeup on. The porch is crowded with furniture we are storing for someone as a birthday surprise, and EVERY room in the house is messy. Every. Single. One.  In fact, when I came home, I had dumped my suitcase on my bed frantically trying to find something I needed from it before I left for my job interview.  I came back from the interview and shoved everything onto the floor before I fell into bed, exhausted. The room was bombed.  I'm not the world's best clean freak housekeeper to begin with... but that day, every room looked awful.  The food storage we had relocated to the playroom while we were working on a project was all still sitting there. The huge beanbag full of foam squares had broken the week before we left and since I didn't have time to sew it up, the kids had them scattered everywhere downstairs.

Mark gives me a hug hello and walks into the house to see how the basement turned out, which he had helped us do the drywall on. He goes downstairs, where Amanda is still sleeping.  I awkwardly give the others a hug and excuse myself for a minute while I go get my brassiere on. When I come back, Steve says he wants to see the house so I start showing them around, cringing at every room we walk into.  We go upstairs, and meanwhile Amanda comes up to the main floor, oblivious that we have visitors. When we come back down, she is sitting at the dining table in her nightgown eating a bowl of cereal, totally unaware they were even here.  They all want to see the work Mark did down in Amanda's room too... and Amanda is freaking out because her room looks about as good as my room.

Ugh. Normally, I love visitors. But sometimes I think I need to get one of those signs on my door that says...

"If you come to see me, come anytime.  If you came to see my house, make an appointment."

I can just imagine the stories they had to tell their wives when they got home.

Oh well....

A good day...

A good day is when...

They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but occasionally they find something in common... like when they both want to do something they shouldn't, such as trying to start Amanda's scooter and ride it.  Good thing she doesn't leave the key in it!  Notice Jonnie's hat.  He wouldn't take it off for weeks... it has now disintegrated completely.

• You find a bunch of money in your old wallet while cleaning your room. (Yay!!  I was trying to figure out how to buy paint I needed for the deck.) 
• You get to sing "Love Story" and "Crazier" with your five and seven year olds. (Daisy and Lina are adorable, if I do say so myself :) 
• Good friends stop by because they miss you and have been thinking of you. (Love you Sheila and Kelly!)
• You find pictures you forgot about while emptying your camera's memory card. (See below...)
• Your 14 year old helps you de-clutter your room. (Thanks Mercy!!!)
• You get a call in for an interview and your husband has one too. (Hmmm.... which direction will our lives take?)
• Your husband sends you a sweet text saying how much he misses you. (Miss you too Babe!)
• You fit into pants you haven't fit in for a very long time! (Just three more pounds til my next goal!)

Bawling My Eyes Out

My sweet chili peppers.
7 times I have gone through PPD, with each baby it became progressively worse.
They're worth it. They're definitely worth it. I'm glad I'm their Mama!

I've been crying uncontrollably for the past 5 minutes and decided to write it down instead of keep on crying all night. Good idea right? Getting it out on paper always seems to help me.


So... the bawling. What is it from this time, you ask.

Tonight I happened to look on www.ksl.com and noticed a link to a story on postpartum depression. I clicked on it, watched it, and from there went to a good website on postpartum depression called pospartumprogress.com.  It is not a good website, it is an excellent website.  I've been there before, I vaguely remember, but tonight I clicked on this link talking about the 6 Stages of Postpartum Depression, and as I read it the tears started falling and I couldn't help but sit and bawl my eyes out.

The first five stages were fine. I completely related with each and every one. The sixth stage is where I lost it. I have for a very long time known that my postpartum depression had been tainted with an extra shot of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have come to a sane enough point to be able to identify that, and also identify most of the reasons behind it, but it has always baffled me why I still feel so traumatized when most of the things that traumatized me really have been dealt with by now. I had always attributed it to things that happened during the pregnancy and a short bit of extreme trauma in the weeks after the baby was born. Step number 6 really helped me understand why, and I can completely see now that a part of my PTSD has been caused by the trauma of dealing with the PPD and the changes it brought with it.

It just feels so good to know that I'm not the only freak in the world who has dealt with this to such an extreme level. It feels so relieving to know that there is an end, somewhere. There is healing. There has to be if others have healed.

One of the big things that brings me immediately back to the pain and trauma that I went through and opens the wounds up fresh and raw again is hearing that another woman is dealing with the same thing and going through postpartum depression.  I want to help, and hopefully I have been able to help a few. But I know I cannot erase the hurt and take away the pain for them. I know I cannot shield and protect them from everything they will go through. I cannot help and support them in all the ways I wish I could, and it breaks my heart. It is one of the reasons I am so open with this issue on my blog, because I don't ever want anyone else to feel as alone and isolated and hurt and hopeless as I did, without them knowing that someone else understands, someone else has been through this, and someone else cares.

So, for you fabulous mothers out there going through this little piece of hell... please know my heart is aching for you. Know that you are in my prayers, and know that I am only a phone call or email away.  Also, please take a moment to look over this website.  It really has an enormous amount of valuable help and information, both for you, and for your family.
 
One of the things that jumped out at me as I went through several of the pages of the website tonight was this sentence.

 ...the most common symptom of postpartum depression is not sadness at all- it is anxiety and agitation … and while many women who struggle might have periods of sadness, depression and tearfulness, the overwhelming symptoms that cause them great pain are difficulty concentrating, excessive worry, high level overwhelm, racing thoughts and difficulty sleeping. 

And I will expand on this... that the agitation mentioned frequently involves frustration, irritation, and lashing out at your children or husband. 

One of the difficult things is identifying that yes you HAVE postpartum depression, especially if you aren't feeling particularly sad or "depressed" in the way it is often depicted. You may not have an Eeyore face or a constant raincloud over your head... not everyone does. But if you are even wondering if you have PPD... there is a good chance you do. And a good chance you will NOT be able to just "get over it" on your own without a bit of understanding and support.

I'm here for you. Please call or email. It is the ONE thing that I can feel good about from the whole experience... helping someone else who may be dealing with it. 

May you find peace,
Rachel

Cream Puffs, Eggs, and Nests

Here is an update WITH PICTURES can you believe it? In no particular order, here are some recent pics!

Easter was fun! We decorated eggs with the chili peppers on Friday and Saturday was spent making yummy Easter treats.  I let each of the kids choose a treat to make and by the end of the day I was beyond frazzled. Thank goodness Eric and Eliza rescued me and took all the younger kids to get french fries and hamburgers and play at the playland while I basked in the calmness of the quiet house.

I get to be a proud mama and brag for a minute here... Mercy wanted to make cream puffs and as you can see from the pictures, they turned out beautifully!!  Now, cream puffs are not the easiest thing in the world to make. The dough is finicky and if you don't bake them just right they either turn out dry and crusty or fall flat.  Mercy found the recipe herself, made the dough herself, baked them herself, and WOW.  They were perfect!! Then she proceeded to make the Bavarian Custard from scratch and followed THAT recipe by herself too :)  I am pretty proud of her.

Eliza and Eric moved in that weekend (we have LOVED having them here!!) Jason and his girls surprised us with a visit Easter weekend too and it was awesome to see them and having them stay.  And then, the day after Easter MOM surprised us with a visit too.  Taliesin and Mercy had fun playing tetherball with her.  It was fun to see her enjoying the grandkids for a bit.

Anyway, enjoy the pics!!

Daisy's Coconut Jelly Bean Nests

Tyler's Chocolate Cereal Jellybean Nests

Taliesin's Cupcakes

Kitty Kat riding the wiggle car :) 

Dishes, Laundry, and Dinner

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

SLAM!

That's the sound of love coming from my 11 year old right now.

Get the dishes done, or go to bed. That's all I asked. Dishes that I've been asking you to do since 5:00.  Dishes that you should have had done this morning without me asking.  Dishes that are piling up even worse because you won't get them done. Dishes you only have to do two days a week!

No. Stomping and slamming doors is soooo much better than just getting the job done.

Am I asking too much of my kids?  Are they better off just doing nothing around the house and me not having to deal with slamming doors? Sometimes I wonder. Please tell me I'm not the only Mom who deals with this.


Anyway....

Socks. Socks on my hands, that's the trick to doing laundry.  Has been since I was little.  I know, you can start laughing now at the mental picture you just formed in your head.  Me with mismatched socks on my hands bumbling around in the laundry room,  head cocked to one side as I try pathetically to remember which one is the washer and which is the dryer. Disoriented stutters as I try to sort darks and lights.

Well, thankfully it's not that bad. Really. At least not most days :)

I just can't handle the thought of sticking my hands into the laundry hamper and having the germs clobber me as I load the dirty clothes into the washer. Given the smelly treasure we found in the load of little boys pants we washed yesterday, I probably have good reason for that phobia. So, I put clean socks onto my hands as I reach into the hamper and throw the laundry in.Then I throw the socks in too.

Well, the dryer isn't working right now, so despite the rainy weather, we have laundry hanging from baskets, couches, chairs, and whatever else we can find all over the house while we wait for it to dry.  Fun times!

... Not really. There are times when being here alone without my handyman Ryan to fix everything really stinks. Literally. After all, 7 kids create dirty laundry faster than the clean laundry can airdry. That's all I'll say.


And the last thing on my mind right now, but not the least, are my friends. My anxious heart. And my choice of self-medication. Which leads me to dinner.   What???

Yes, Dinner.  (Come on now, keep up with me!)

But, I'll post separately for that. This is too long already. :)

Jonnie Cake

Sleep eludes me tonight. My heart is full.  A bit of joy, anguish, heartache, love, and missing Ryan all combined I guess. Eliza asked me where my blog went, and so I decided rather than lay there tossing and turning, I'd write it out, catch you up on my life lately, and some of the things that have been in my heart through the holidays.  It's either that, or an overdose of Benadryl to knock me out. I think this is the healthier way to medicate :)

But first, a cute story that I want to remember later.  Facebookers already heard about it... but here it is anyway. 

Earlier this evening, little Jonnie found a box of cake mix and asked me if he could "buy it."  I said yes, and a few minutes later he came back with a fork and tried to poke the box open.  That didn't work, so he trotted off to get a spoon.  No luck.

Next he came back with a butter knife, trying to stab it open.  Mean old Mom is watching him, laughing.  He hands everything to me, telling me to open it.  I tried stabbing the box and said "it won't work!" He finally decided the butterknife wasn't going to do the trick because a couple minutes later he comes back with a small sharp knife from the kitchen, takes the box from me, and starts stabbing the box top with it. When I asked him where he got it he said "at school."  Keep in mind the kid is barely two.

Ten minutes later, with Mom watching closely so that he didn't get hurt in the process, he succeeded in getting the flap open and the cake mix out.  Each movement sent a puff of cake mix all over my bedroom floor as it escaped from one of the many holes he had stabbed through the bag. He handed it to me, ran back to the kitchen, and brought me back a plate for his cake.

Off to the store we went to buy eggs so we could make a Jonnie Cake.  He's such a fun kid! Two years old with long-ish tousled hair.  He reminds me so much of my Dad sometimes.  Not sure why...

I think I'll post separately on a few things. Probably easier for me to process that way.

There's No Place Like Home...

I woke up yesterday in a tiny town on the west border of Kansas where the cattle outnumber humans 1000 to 1. I'd been staying with Ry for a couple days while he worked. He drove home to Utah for Thanksgiving, and then I drove back with him to Leoti.  It was wonderful to see him, and talk and laugh with him.  We definitely needed the time together. While I may be used to having him gone for long periods of time, it is an understatement to say that I am certainly not cut out for a long distance relationship.  Alas, all good things usually come to an end, and so after eating breakfast together, I drove home yesterday without him.

Driving long distances doesn't bother me, in fact it I actually like driving alone for long distances as long as the roads are dry.  Give me a great audiobook, a roadmap, a pack of gum, some snacks and I'm good to go.

Vail pass was icy and snowy when Ry and I drove out on Wednesday night so going back, I decided to take Highway 50 across Colorado.  Sayanora Dorothy.  See ya later Toto.  Goodbye Kansas.  I miss you already Ry.

The drive went well and the roads were dry. The long, flat roads out of Kansas pass by peaceful fields of dry, brown sunflowers with drooping heads bereft of their fullness. Tall grain silos and small clusters of farm houses and aging barns along the way gave a feeling of warm, rich life in contrast to the silent, empty fields. I found my self wondering about the people who lived and worked there, what patterns their daily living followed, and the fabric of their family's lives.  I also wished I had my camera with me.

The cool weather turned warm as I sped across southern Colorado where the once straight roads now twisted and curved as they began to wind along the Arkansas River.  As I climbed up Pauncho Pass, snow appeared along the sides of the roads, and ice crackled over the bluish-gray water.  The car followed the curving road up and then back down the San Juan mountain passes, the wind whipped and the sky began to darken with sullen clouds. Sunlight faded, and inky darkness prevailed.

It was cold, dark, and windy when I stopped to refuel in Grand Junction.  I looked forward to crossing into Utah where the silent mountains formations that make up Central Utah would surround me as I traveled across to I-15, and then finally south, and home.

It was refreshing to me to just be alone for a long time. Perhaps I'm a bit odd that way, but driving alone calms me. No expectations. No requests from kids. No dishes or laundry staring me in the face. Just me, my thoughts, and the open road.

I watched the gauge showing the outside temperature climb as I dropped down past New Harmony and into Toquerville, and then into town. It was about midnight when I pulled in the drive, parked the car, and carried in my bags. Mercy was stretched out on my bed snuggled next to Jonnie, and as I put the bags down on my bedroom floor, I noticed a package and a handmade card sitting on my nightstand.

Rachel,

I hope you have a great birthday. 
It has been fun getting to know you and your cute family. 
I have enjoyed your friendship. 

Happy Birthday!

Camille


Inside the box was a beautiful "WillowTree" figurine, a brown haired woman breathing in the aroma of the bundle of flowers in her arms.  Graceful, simple, and perfect.

My eyes misted as I read the card, but when I opened the box, I sat and cried for 20 minutes. How did she even know when my birthday was?

Thank you Camille, more than you know.

And thank you to all of the rest of you who sent me such wonderful birthday texts and messages as I drove.  I had a nice birthday chat with Danielle and Mom, and one with Joe the night before. Plus Amanda sang me a Happy Birthday song on my phone messages, and Mercy, Alex, and Kenzie sang to me as well.

The kiddos must have missed me too, because before the morning light filled the sky, there were four  of my kids in my bed, and I had to get up and move to one of their beds to get any sleep!  They showered me with wonderful homemade cards and notes this morning when I awoke, and later Amanda and my sweet friend Sheila both gave me gifts as well.

Thank you all for being a part of my life, and for touching my heart.

It was definitely a Happy Birthday.

11:00 and All's Well!

Do you remember watching Disney's Robin Hood as a kid?  Ry's sister Barb bought it for our family when we were little and it never ceases to entertain me.  I don't know how many hundreds of times I have watched that and still love every bit of it.  Okay, so that has nothing to do with my post except for the part where the Nutsy is on guard duty and yells out "All's Well!"

Everything IS much better today.  I only got woken up three times last night by the kiddos, took another nap this morning, and another this afternoon. Sleep always helps.  And a nice conversation with my man helped too.

And I realized that it might be helpful for y'all to know really where I'm at. On a scale of 0-100, with 0 being no depression whatsoever and 100 being properly diagnosed as clinically depressed and in need of intervention.... I was at about 1,000 for 18 months after Jonnie was born and my anxiety levels were at 10,000.  Yesterday -- I was about 20. Today, I'm at a 1.  No big deal.

Today I laughed, I joked, I sang. Three songs in fact -  all with my kids. We played Boggle and listened to Carolina give her oral report on the Statue of Liberty for Family Night, after reading the prophet Joseph Smith's teachings on prayer. I played hide and seek with Jonnie and his blanket before bedtime, went shopping with Tali and Ty, and bought posterboard to make Daisy's student of the week poster with.

And,  I got a call back on an application and set up a job interview for tomorrow. Wish me luck, I might just get it.

Life is good. 

Falling Leaves

Outside, the leaves are falling. Of course, you know this. Who could not notice the brilliant shades of yellow, orange, and red that are beginning to cover the leaves. Well, I suppose for those of you up north you saw all this long ago and your trees are bare... but down here in the land of sunshine, it's still happening. I love autumn leaves and autumn colors. I love that the change is so visible, and so beautiful. From a distance, the whole tree is alive with vivid color. Mountainsides look warm and bright with clusters of flaming autumn leaves.

If you walk into our house and look into the family room, you'll see great big paper autumn leaves hanging all over the wall.  It's our family project for the next two weeks... not letting helpful things people do "fall" unnoticed. We are to write down anything those good deeds we see others do on the big leaves for everyone to see. It's kind of fun to see what the kids notice. My hope is that this will begin to effect a change within our family that is also visible, and beautiful.  Not that my kids aren't great and helpful already, but our family is ready for a new season. I hope it is one of brilliant shades of giving, loving, and helpfulness without being asked.

I'm also ready for a change within my own heart.  One with more temperance, more patience, more compassion, more smiles. One with fewer loud voices, fewer demanding tones.  I hope the summer shades of rich green life mellow to warm tones of sweet honey, glowing amber, soft brown sugar, and rich cranberry.

Walk with me through the autumn time with warmth in your heart for all mankind. Be good and kind, and helpful, and true. May there be peace in me, and peace in you.

Aches and heartaches

So I wake up in the middle of the night with a mean stomach-ache. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired I can't tell you how tired. I need my sleep. But no - I have a stomach-ache, and sleep is not easily coming.

This morning, I am finally sleeping, for a while at least. The little boys stayed home from church with me, so in between sleeping, I am also feeding Jonnie his Cheerios and milk. I finally drag myself out of bed when the bowl he brought me is emptied but I still don't feel like doing anything at all. Daisy has turned on "Cheaper By The Dozen" - the old version - which I love, so I put my contacts in and curl up on the couch to watch it with her.  I love the look on his face as he holds baby #12 and his wife looks over his shoulder down at the baby.  Such a precious picture of love.

When the movie is over I spy my computer. I feel like someone hit the back of my neck with a very big stick and my whole body feels swollen, but I can lounge on the couch with my laptop right?

Really, I feel awful, and want to do nothing but go back to bed. But as awful as I feel, I feel lucky too. My sweet friend Sheila told me yesterday that her daughter's husband is facing lymphoma. Cancer is such an ugly form of torture, and having the body aches is such a minimal thing to deal with when others face such life and death illness. I look at my husband sitting on the couch and think how blessed I am that he is healthy. And happy. This year has definitely had some major life changes for us both, but especially for him. He has struggled and it has been so heartwrenching to watch him.

And lets be honest. Sometimes I've just been super angry at him for the way he has dealt (or not dealt) with certain things.

But all of that doesn't matter when I see him crawl around the floor, laughing and chasing Jonnie.  Or when he wakes me up with a kiss to tell me goodbye before he leaves for work.  And the things I get upset about become completely insignificant and outright stupid when I think how it would be to face having him ill with cancer, and staring death in the face.

He's not. I'm grateful more than I can say. And my heart aches more than my body right now for my friend Camille and her family and the reality they face. So say a prayer for Camille and Ralph, and for their family.

I'm going to snuggle up on Ry's lap right now and enjoy the time I have with him.

BTW, the photos is from a day when he was being an impromptu model for me as I scoped out decent angles at a difficult location where I'll be shooting an upcoming wedding. He didn't realize I was taking a photo just at this moment though, and I liked it. SOOC without any editing, and horrible lighting, but it's a picture of him and I love it just for that.  He's so completely supportive no matter what hair-brained idea I come up with or new adventure I start out on. Thanks Babe!

Rachel

Stillness

Tuweap overlook of the Grand Canyon, photo by me, of course.

Fun fact for you - I'm afraid of heights. 

No, that's not true. 

I'm petrified of heights. Yes, I think that says it a little better.  

Have you ever driven on a mountain road when it's zig-zagging up the side of the mountain and one side is up against the side of the cliff and the other side is a sheer drop off and every time the wheels on the car spin they shoot a bit of gravel off the side of the road and you can watch it fall gently down the side of the mountain as though it hasn't a care in the world nor does it know that in a moment it will be pummeling into the earth below and as a result will probably no longer even be a rock but a bit of powder for the wind to blow away? (And yes I know that was a run on sentence but that's about how much goes through my brain every time the wheels on the van turn, so pretty please, bear with me.) It scares me to pieces and I really prefer that Ryan drive on these roads, when I am asleep, and never tell me we ever drove on that particular road in the first place. 

But I'm straying. Fear of heights is not what this is about today.... it's about our outing to the Grand Canyon, which thankfully did not entail a drive up a zig-zaggy cliff. 

So, lucky us - and I mean that - we had friends and family come visit us for the weekend and they took us on a drive out to Tuweap (or Toroweap as you sometimes see it spelled).  This particular view of the Grand Canyon is stunning, and totally worth the long-ish drive to get there.  The pictures I took really don't do it justice. 

Ryan and Jonnie, overlooking the Colorado River

So imagine this. Me - petrified of losing someone over the edge, and 15 kids -  7 of whom are mine, all running loose at the edge of a 3000 foot drop off. My idea of a fun time!

For the first 20 minutes, I panicked. A lot. And told myself to breathe. A lot.

Because otherwise I was a little bit out of my mind.

But after they got all their wiggles out from the car ride and got tired of looking over the cliff, they started running around inland. Then, I was finally able to enjoy it. 

The Grand Canyon is breathtaking, to say the least. I simply cannot wrap my brain around 

how this river cut so deep into the sandstone, and between the wind and rushing water, the canyon was 

formed.  It's incredible. 

It's also peaceful. And still.  That is probably what struck me most - the stillness.

After the kids all went back to the truck for lunch and I knew that Ryan had Jonnie, I had a few moments to just sit. And look. And as I sat on the ledge looking northward, I knew that somewhere down below branches were rustling in the wind and a bird was fluttering by. There were probably even chipmunks running around, or a lizard lying in the sun. But I couldn't see any of it. Everything was still, and being there helps your mind become still too. 

Enjoy the pics.  I hope that just for a moment, you can imagine being there, and enjoy the peacefulness and stillness that we need in our lives every once in a while. 

Hugs,

Rachel

PS... there are some other shots of the kids there.  Thanks for coming to visit us y'all!

Laura, sitting at the edge of the drop off.

See the boat in the water near the bottom of the picture? Yes, it's there. Look again.

Here it is "up close". Now, I have a super zoom camera, and this is as close as I could get to the boat. 

Hopefully this gives you a perspective of how deep and wide the canyon and river are at this point. 

(There are deeper sections of the canyon.)

And a few more just for fun. 

Ty, Ta, Ash - three buddies.

Boston, enjoying a nice cold root beer. 

Jonnie and Braelin in the "peek-a-boo" rock.

My cousin Kaitlyn stayed the weekend and went with us.  Fun to see you Kait!

Red Milk, and Rude!

Originally posted April 1, 2009

The thing with having a toddler who can say anything and everything, speak in paragraphs, tell jokes, and repeat scenes from movies he hasn’t seen for weeks, is that he never shuts up. For all his big vocabulary, the phrase “It’s time to be quiet” somehow escapes his understanding. 

“I want some red milk!” has been one of the sentences I’ve heard most today.... that along with “Mom - she’s being rude, rude, rude!!” 

I’ll explain. The chili peppers (my children) and I are traveling. A friend left half a gallon of red Tampico for us. Ever since then, Braelin has been asking for the “red milk”. And since I’m trying to keep him somewhat quiet (ha ha ha!!!) at the hotel we are staying at, I keep giving in and letting him have a few more sips. End result?  Barf. Red barf. All over the tile. And he insisted on cleaning it up himself so it is now smeared ALL over the tile. At least it’s not on the carpet - and hey -- he wants to clean?  My kid? Wants to clean?  He must have a gene none of the rest of them picked up because this is NOT normal for my kids. My kids are the ones who get “bathroom-itis” every time they have chores to do.  You know -- the sudden urge to sit for a long time in the bathroom hoping someone else gets the cleaning done before they get out?  Well, it’s a named  and frequently contracted disease at our house. 

So anyway, now you know about the red milk. Want to hear who is being “rude?” 

Of course, not many of you have 7 children to go on long car trips with, but I’m sure most of you have at least one. So, multiply that to get 7 kids in the car with all of the fun that goes with it. 7 times the potty breaks, 7 times the “are we there yets?”, 7 times the kids who just don’t like to be cooped up in a carseat! 7 times the running around when we do get to where ever it is we are going and stop.

Thankfully - my kids are actually really good in the car. They’re used to traveling, but Braelin with his enormous not even two year old vocabulary has said “Mom, she’s being rude, rude, rude!!!” far too many times for me to count today.  (She being Daisy - bet you couldn’t have guessed that!) The day ended with him screaming the whole way through Zion’s National Park.  Good thing I was still smiling and having a fun time.  It’s really been a great day with lots of good memories too.  I’ll tell you more about those in another entry. 

So, wow, it’s been a long time since I wrote.  Here’s a quick run down of what’s been happening with us.... 

I am feeling better.  Much better.  Good meds help :) Lots of sunshine and avoiding stress is critical to daily function but I AM functioning. I get up and dressed and can interact great with my peppers. 

I am still NOT up to crowds. Social anxiety still very high, which means homeshows are out of the question. 

I eat chocolate.  Lots of it, turns out. But since I found Healthy Chocolate -- it’s all good.

We are selling our house -- or at least trying to. We had a buyer, but that didn’t work out -- so if you know anyone who wants a cute house with a huge yard in Roosevelt -- send them my way :)  Ryan will be manning an open house this weekend!

We found a house in Hurricane, UT that we LOVE. Very cute, old historic home with a fabulous yard. I am so ready for a warm winter!  Here are some pictures  Of course - we sort of need to sell the house in Roosevelt before we buy this one.  “Thy will be done.”

Meanwhile, I could not stay at home trying to keep it clean with the four little ones at home. I was going crazy, and I’m already crazy enough! So, the kids and I moved down here to Southern Utah for the time being. We are here there and everywhere, thanks to a kind brother, aunt, and sister who have let us stay in condos, guest houses, and way cheap hotel rates.  More stories to come ....