Kyle and I have hit some rough spots over the past couple years as we’ve uncovered some patterns and survival conversations running that we hadn’t always seen before. With a recent bit of road rash on our journey I have been in the question of how do I know when is enough enough to walk away… knowing a choice like that gets to be powerful - walking INTO something, not away from what I don’t want. I have been setting myself up with binary options. This or that. Black or white. Suck it up or blow it up. Even when I’m not coming from protection or fear - I am coming from thinking I need to attain an idealistic version of perfection - which I’m seeing is its own form of fear, survival and protection - because even if I don’t think I’m coming from fear/protection - I definitely can’t say I’m coming from a place of compassion or love or joy. I’m grateful for those helping me see that today.
What I’m seeing is that I don’t have to have a choice of walking away or not. It’s never about being, or “when is it enough” or “too much”. I am not limited in my capacity to be love - and that does not mean accept everything and abandon myself - honoring clear agreements and boundaries is a form of love. Holding the bar high without judgement of capacity is an act of love.
As I keep wrapping myself up with the same generous amounts of love and care and cherishing and tenderness and COMPASSION I want from him - or anyone else- I will always have enough space standing in love for him - and anyone else - to meet me there. To choose to do my inner work and stretch to meet each other there is a choice we will or will not make, enough times over that there will be distance and disconnection or there will be accountability, and connection as we work through everything side by side. There is both infinite possibility - and the perfection comes in the perfect amount of love between us to meet anything together — or the perfect amount of trust in myself to meet anything no matter what. It isn’t either or.
If at some point the results say that I am making myself small or shutting downs to be with him - then I get to choose to do that or not. It’s still always about who I’m being. And it’s always VISION - Be Do Have. I can hold the vision of infinite possibility and beautiful perfection of BEING the perfect amount of me - including in the face of breakdown - because I know who I am and if that’s not who I’m being in that moment it is only because I have stepped into a survival/fear conversation. That is different than the “perfect ideal” that I’ve been holding as the goal up until now.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk - I am grateful for my infinite capacity to rise again in resilience and love for myself - and for the friends who supported me in creating a beautiful breakthrough in how I’m holding this tonight. This is the ripple of being in the room - coaching and standing for transformational training - and living it in our lives everyday - standing for oneness and love over and over.
