Voices in My Head

 I've been in a funk all day after a disastrous conversation. I've been up in my head with the voices that are there, holding me back from being my best version of me, letting them embrace me and hold me and snuggle me up. They are comfortable. They feel safe. They say I am better off holding back. That I can only ever count on me anyway. That I should be quiet and stay hiding from life. That I am not good enough to do what I need to do anyway. That I'll never be able to have enough motivation enough consistency or enough life in me to be the all or nothing version of myself I think is "right" and "good" ... those voices love to keep me comfortable and not risk anything. All the while life gets messier and messier around me, literally and figuratively.  

My heart is not used to trusting. Not the process or people or myself.

I get to choose and I choose to live. I want to stay in safety until someone proves they are safe emotionally. Proves they won't fuck up. Proves they have my back. 

But nobody can give me that peace. And nobody can pull me out of the barricades I build around myself.

Recently in a self awareness course, I kept visualizing every single barricade and fortress around my heart as a result of all the pain and trauma over the years coming down  one by one until I was in a field of peace filled with flowers where I could twirl and dance all around. I choose that again. 

So this is me... painfully and tearfully removing all the barriers again by choice. Taking committed action, and being vulnerable knowing I have people around me that will hold me up in my masterpiece. I'm starting here. 

"Living, Bruised"

Heart of treasure beyond told

Heart that carries burdens hold

Unentangle, thorns remove

Heart still beating, living, bruised

Stride in courage, anchor grace, toil no more in comfort space 

Stretch beyond your blind eyes true, unearthed truths lay in the new

Burdens shouldered are at choice 

Presence heart and love with choice

Pirouette, dance, let go

Every thought that keeps the holes

Pirouette, dance and sing

Be the vision, be the being

I get to choose to be the caring, generous, loving leader I am. generous in forgiveness, generous in love, generous in kisses on the cheek, generous in space to mess up and still be loved, and reach past where I keep myself stuck waiting for someone else to create safety first.