Baby K

 Maybe it is simply the innocence of a newborn child, or perhaps it is that the love between a mother and a child is one of the strongest bonds of love there is... 

whatever the reason, a mother in love with her child is a beautiful thing.  

Quilla asked me to take some pictures of her with Baby K. 

She had some of him individually -- but no pictures of them together. 

Here they are Quilla... may you always gaze into your baby's eyes like he is brand new.

Enjoy the pictures.

 - Rachel

Scratch Before Baking

Many years ago, my sweet-as-pie aunt, known for making things that tasted good and looked pretty, told me a secret to baking enviable desserts, breads, and cakes - from scratch.


"Rachel," she said as I waited eagerly to hear the secret that made her delectable sweet-and-moist-in-every-bite cornbread so delicious, "Always be sure to scratch the box before you open it. Then, follow the directions on the box."

I laughed. And for many years, I have taken her advice to heart. Tonight was no exception.

I have an extra 9 kids here this weekend, cousins, and we are having a blast! Spent the day at the lake, soaking up the sun and enjoying 80 degree water and warm sandy beach. We played Duck Duck Goose, Motorboat Motorboat, Ring Around The Rosie, Water Spider, and more... all in the water. Lots of splashing, lots of smiles, and lots of fun. But after hours of enjoying Sand Hollow, the wind began to pick up and it was time to go home to celebrate a birthday this evening.

What I really wanted to make was a Brownie and White Chocolate Strawberry Silk Torte. But with 16 hungry children, there wasn't a lot a lot of time to throw the ramen noodles in the pan, change everyone out of their swim clothes, or shower off the pound of sand brought home in my hair - let alone put together an elaborate cake, or go to the store for missing ingredients. So... I fell back on Auntie's trusted advice.

I scratched the box of the chocolate cake before I opened it, mixed it up, and threw it in the preheated oven.  And then - I grabbed the can of pink frosting floating around in my cupboard, bought as a precaution for a day like this, and (after scratching the lid, of course) opened it and whipped it up to be even fluffier and lighter than  it already was.

The four round cake pans were cooled in the freezer while I took the last remaining cup and a half of powdered sugar I could find in my pantry and made a half batch of Fudge Frosting. (This delicious concoction is the ONLY thing I made tonight that I didn't have to scratch before I pulled it out of the box.) After everything was cooled, I carefully layered the cake, strawberry frosting while my daughter looked on.

"Mom," she said.

"Yes?" I asked.

"You do realize this cake is for a BOY right?!?"

"Of course dear. Why?" I say, as I think to myself "I'm pretty sure I know whether that kid that popped out of me 12 years ago was a boy or a girl. I did change quite a few of his diapers, after all!"

"It's PINK!" she exclaimed.

And so of course, we had to cover up the beautiful pink layers of fluffy strawberry frosting sandwiched between the four layers of cake. My powdered sugar was gone, and so as I stared at my pantry trying to decide what to do, my eye rested on a box of chocolate pudding mix.

Voila! I hastily scratched the box as I ripped it open and whisked in the milk, making a thick, goopy chocolate paste that I carefully smoothed around the edges of the cake. After dumping the fudge frosting on the top and letting it drip down the rim of the cake, I stuck it in the freezer to firm up a bit more while the kids finished eating their ramen.

The result?  Fabulous. It was six inches tall, covered in chocolate, and paired perfectly with the Cookies 'N Cream ice cream that was halfway melted before we got through dishing up for all 18 kids at the party.

Happy Birthday Big T.  Love you more than you'll ever be able to comprehend.

(PS... the recipe for Sweet Cornbread is below.)

SWEET CORNBREAD RECIPE - delicious to the last crumb. 

1 box of yellow cake mix
2 small boxes or bags of cornbread mix
1/2 cup sour cream

Add the cake mix and cornbread mix together. Make as directed using ingredients for both mixes, replacing 1/2 cup of water or milk with 1/2 cup sour cream. 


Bake til golden brown and top springs back lightly. (Or at least doesn't leave an indent!)

More Pics From The Family Breakfast

 Two of the sweetest people I know! Esther always has such a fabulous "can-do" attitude. Nan is just amazing in so many ways!  Love you both!

 

Lew -- Your Mom sure misses you!

 My kids love the stories all the brothers tell about growing up!  Good times. Good to see you both!

Dustin and Nat -- I love your boys!  I am so glad we got to spend some more time with him before you moved. Miss you more than you know!!

1000 Page Views

Thanks to all my readers... I have over 1000 page views on my blog.  I'm flattered... though I still can't figure out why anyone takes time to read it! But I'm glad you do.

So, my question to you is... what would you like to see me blog about?

Lukey

These cuties are two of Ryan's nephews... both named Luke. I hadn't had the chance to meet them until a couple weeks ago at a family breakfast in Salt Lake.  Both of them are just adorable, and so much fun!  Enjoy the pics... I'll be posting more from this weekend in the days to come, I'm sure. 

This little guy has a ballplayers arm.  Watch out for him in the NFL as the star quarterback!

And this little guy is already following in his Momma's footsteps as an awesome photographer. Everytime I turned the camera sideways, he would do the same. He stood there taking pictures of me while I was taking pictures of him. 
Too cute!

 

 And here he is with Tiff... one of heaven's angels still on earth.

 Too bad my camera's not quick enough to catch this without the blur.

Two of my favorite people in the world!

 Luke's big sister Jaden and my son Taliesin were best friends when they were younger. Moving 8 hours away keeps them from seeing each other very often... but not from being best friends again as soon as they are together.  Taliesin was doing everything he could to stay out of pictures that weekend... and so this is Jade holding him down so he has to be in a picture.

Stuck!

"Will someone please get me out?!?"

The cries were coming from my 4 year old.  He sounded stressed, but not hurt.


"Will someone please get me out?!?!?"

The cries were getting a bit more frantic. At first, I thought he must have locked himself in the bathroom, but as I walked closer, I could tell they were from the kitchen instead.  What could he be stuck in?

I burst out laughing when I saw this...

Sweet Nothings...

Homemade Hostess Cupcakes. Best eaten semi-frozen. Mmmm...

Piped curlicues make them look like the ones from the store. But once you taste them, you'll never get them mixed up again :)

Homemade Hostess Layered Cake. So delicious and rich (and tall!), you can only eat a sliver at a time.

There is miraculously still a few Homemade Hostess Cupcakes and the remaining half of this beautiful Homemade Hostess Layered Cake sitting in my freezer, begging to be eaten. I made it for Amanda's birthday, and she requested I make it again for her last week so her friends could taste the cake she's been raving about. With luscious layers of moist brownies, covered with homemade chocolate ganache, and more layers of my special Homemade Hostess Cream Filling, it's quite delicious. But no, instead of indulging, I am sauteing up a pan of vegis with quinoa for a late night dinner. 

We've been at the lake with the kids and I've just changed out of my wet clothes and into a comfy top and some grey knit capris. You know the kind, with the University of Utah logo written across one side. So there I stand in front of the stove, seasoning the colorful mix of snow peas, carrots, and squash, stirring contentedly as I wait for the vegis to cook. Ryan walks up behind me, puts his arm around me, and leans his head down to my ear. "Rachel," he says, in a sultry voice. (I think he's going to whisper something sweet in my ear, like maybe how nice I looked in my bathing suit, or how delicious the pumpkin bread I baked for our treat at the lake was, or how much he loves me. Right??)

No. Not at all. Nothing of the sort.

Instead, this is what I hear.

"Rachel," he says.

"Yes?" I answer, smiling hopefully.

"Your pants are on backwards."

And then he walks away as my face turns bright red.

Four Questions...

Ry with his Mom.  Love you Nan! Thank you for your love and prayers, and for raising such an amazing son!

Sometimes, especially when Ryan isn't home, I sit up for hours and since I cannot sleep, I edit pictures, or quite frequently, read snippets of blogs. Tonight, is one of those nights. It's 2 am, and I am tired beyond belief but wound up more than I should be... and sleep is far from coming. I know - it's my anxiety getting the best of me. A downward spiral at its beginning. And yet, here I sit.

I've been reading blogs about this, that, or the other, but quite a few about postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and other postpartum disorders.  Why??  Because when you've been thrown against a brick wall, had your entire life turned upside down, been shaken loose from all that's holding you together, and still are dealing with the effects of it, you tend to want to understand why. And what to do. And how to help someone else dealing with the same thing. And so even though I feel mostly healed from the whole experience... I still read about it. I still am working through it. I still am making sure that I am not just getting the point of feeling better... but that I am getting past it, through it, over it, and conquering it.

I've been asked a few times lately "do you think this is PPD?"  and "How can I tell if I have PPD?" Tonight, I came across a post that said to ask yourself these questions to help you determine if you have PPD...


Has it been longer than 2 weeks since I have given birth?
Am I feeling worse as days go on?
Am I eating much more or less than usual?
Am I sleeping much more or less than usual?

As I read it, I remembered reading this same thing as I started to do a little research on PPD before I finally accepted the fact I needed meds, and as I remembered reading it, I also remembered getting a bit angry.

No, getting VERY angry. As in, want to throw the computer across the room and yell obscenities and then break down into very large sobs kind of angry.

Here's why.


Am I feeling worse as days go on?  I remember thinking.. my lower regions ache from giving birth. My head aches from feeling crazy. I have a piercing headache from not getting enough sleep. My arms ache from bouncing this baby and trying to hold it just the right way while I try to nurse and that isn't working either. My eyes ache from crying all the time. I haven't got enough cohesiveness of thought to figure out whether I'm feeling worse right now than I was 2 hours ago, let alone try to track how I felt a week ago. Am I progressively feeling worse? How could I possibly feel worse than I do right now?


Am I eating much more or less than usual?  I remember thinking... more or less than usual??? What is usual? Do I gauge that on how much I was eating before this kid popped out of me? It was Thanksgiving for crying out loud! I was eating for me, for the baby, and then some! Or do I look at afterward? I am crying so much, so exhausted, and not functioning well enough to get up and out of the room, let alone go make myself some food.  When someone brings me food and sticks it in front of me I eat. When they don't, I don't. And if there is a bag of chips or a box of cookies within reach, I will eat the entire thing without thinking about it. Is that more or less than usual?


Am I sleeping much more or less than usual?  I remember thinking... sleeping more than I was before I had the baby?  I got up every hour to pee and took another hour to go back to sleep because my hips hurt, and then dozed while reading books to my toddler.  Should I gauge it off that? Or am I supposed to remember back to after I had my last baby and gauge whether I'm sleeping much more or less than the average new mom not getting enough sleep because she has a newborn's poopy diaper to change or baby to feed every hour. I have small kids! I haven't had a full night's sleep in years!! Is that more or less than usual sleep for a mother?

What ridiculous questions, and yet, my very answers to the questions were telling enough in themselves.  I couldn't just answer "no"to any of them, so the answer was obviously "yes". Yes, it had been more than two weeks since the baby was born. Yes I am feeling worse than I want to be, need to be, and can handle feeling. Yes I am eating much more or less than usual, and Yes I am sleeping much more or less than usual. Yes, I had many, many things pointing to severe postpartum depression. Not being able to hold the baby without crying. Not enjoying when I had the baby near me. Not wanting to talk and play and laugh with the baby, kiss his tiny nose and marvel at his tiny fists.  Not being able to turn the thoughts in my head off, and yet not having rational thoughts - all at the same time.

Still, the questions - though they tried to be helpful, didn't feel helpful at all. And my poor husband had to bear the brunt of all of it until I got it figured out... and then, still took care of me for 2 more years as I began to heal.

One day, I'll write a real list of "how to tell" questions. Until then, I'll just say "Thanks Baby. I love you more than you can imagine."

 - Rachel

My Sweet Chili Peppers

It's amazing how much better the house stays clean when I'm not working 40 hours a week.  Hmmm... maybe I'm not as horrible a housekeeper as I've felt like for the past few months. It's amazing how much more I can get done too! In the past week, I've painted the girls room (cream), the boys room (butterscotch brown), the stairway landing (white), the front porch (sandy red), the front steps, back steps, back stairway and railing (forest green), half the picket fence (white), and touch ups all over the house.

I'm painted out, for the moment... and although I would love to be at the lake right now, soaking up some sun, someone borrowed my pass. So... I decided instead to edit some photos I took of the kids in May.

I hope you enjoy them.  My Chili Peppers are the highlights of my life :)

- Rachel

Visitors

A week ago, the kids and I came back from a long trip away from home. Anyone who has seven kids and has been gone for a week knows that you have a lot of clean up, sorting laundry, and work to do when you  finally get home. Well... we hadn't done all the work yet, and the house was still a mess. In fact, a little before we got home, Jonnie piped up in his carseat and said,  

"Mom, I'm pooped."

"Okay," I said, "We'll change you as soon as we get home."

"You're not going to throw me in the bathtub," he said worriedly. (He hates to bath!)

"No. We'll just change your diaper, okay?"  

Well, he was asking if I was going to give him a bath for good reason.  We went to get him out of his carseat and realized he had done more than just filled his diaper - he had a poop explosion!  It was everywhere!  We spent the next half hour cleaning everything up, and then I jumped into the van again and ran to a job interview. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. The kids were exhausted. I decided we would clean the house the next day.

BAD IDEA. The next morning I let the kids sleep in, and as I'm sitting on the porch couch enjoying the peace and quiet of the morning, here comes a big shiny suburban pulling into my long driveway. "Who is that," I wonder. Pretty soon, out pops our good friends Mark, Paul, Steve, and their Dad.

Now, let me paint this picture a little more clearly.  I'm sitting on the couch on the front porch, lounging while I look up job listings on my laptop. I have no bra on yet, I haven't combed my hair, brushed my teeth, or put my makeup on. The porch is crowded with furniture we are storing for someone as a birthday surprise, and EVERY room in the house is messy. Every. Single. One.  In fact, when I came home, I had dumped my suitcase on my bed frantically trying to find something I needed from it before I left for my job interview.  I came back from the interview and shoved everything onto the floor before I fell into bed, exhausted. The room was bombed.  I'm not the world's best clean freak housekeeper to begin with... but that day, every room looked awful.  The food storage we had relocated to the playroom while we were working on a project was all still sitting there. The huge beanbag full of foam squares had broken the week before we left and since I didn't have time to sew it up, the kids had them scattered everywhere downstairs.

Mark gives me a hug hello and walks into the house to see how the basement turned out, which he had helped us do the drywall on. He goes downstairs, where Amanda is still sleeping.  I awkwardly give the others a hug and excuse myself for a minute while I go get my brassiere on. When I come back, Steve says he wants to see the house so I start showing them around, cringing at every room we walk into.  We go upstairs, and meanwhile Amanda comes up to the main floor, oblivious that we have visitors. When we come back down, she is sitting at the dining table in her nightgown eating a bowl of cereal, totally unaware they were even here.  They all want to see the work Mark did down in Amanda's room too... and Amanda is freaking out because her room looks about as good as my room.

Ugh. Normally, I love visitors. But sometimes I think I need to get one of those signs on my door that says...

"If you come to see me, come anytime.  If you came to see my house, make an appointment."

I can just imagine the stories they had to tell their wives when they got home.

Oh well....

A good day...

A good day is when...

They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but occasionally they find something in common... like when they both want to do something they shouldn't, such as trying to start Amanda's scooter and ride it.  Good thing she doesn't leave the key in it!  Notice Jonnie's hat.  He wouldn't take it off for weeks... it has now disintegrated completely.

• You find a bunch of money in your old wallet while cleaning your room. (Yay!!  I was trying to figure out how to buy paint I needed for the deck.) 
• You get to sing "Love Story" and "Crazier" with your five and seven year olds. (Daisy and Lina are adorable, if I do say so myself :) 
• Good friends stop by because they miss you and have been thinking of you. (Love you Sheila and Kelly!)
• You find pictures you forgot about while emptying your camera's memory card. (See below...)
• Your 14 year old helps you de-clutter your room. (Thanks Mercy!!!)
• You get a call in for an interview and your husband has one too. (Hmmm.... which direction will our lives take?)
• Your husband sends you a sweet text saying how much he misses you. (Miss you too Babe!)
• You fit into pants you haven't fit in for a very long time! (Just three more pounds til my next goal!)

Oh the joys...

We've been staying at Joe's place the last few days and when we're there, Jonnie sleeps in the same room as we do.  Unfortunately, here is what our night consisted of last night.

Cough, cough.
Cough, cough.

And a little later...

Cough, cough, cough.
Cough, cough, cough.

Being away from home without my medicine cabinet is NOT my favorite thing, and I normally always bring a few basics with me when we travel north. The climate and elevation change always seems to get the kids with one sickness or another. Who wants to wake up your hosts at one in the morning asking for some Vicks?

All night long it was the same thing.

Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.

Needless to say, I'm tired.

Good thing I can take a nap :)

Bawling My Eyes Out

My sweet chili peppers.
7 times I have gone through PPD, with each baby it became progressively worse.
They're worth it. They're definitely worth it. I'm glad I'm their Mama!

I've been crying uncontrollably for the past 5 minutes and decided to write it down instead of keep on crying all night. Good idea right? Getting it out on paper always seems to help me.


So... the bawling. What is it from this time, you ask.

Tonight I happened to look on www.ksl.com and noticed a link to a story on postpartum depression. I clicked on it, watched it, and from there went to a good website on postpartum depression called pospartumprogress.com.  It is not a good website, it is an excellent website.  I've been there before, I vaguely remember, but tonight I clicked on this link talking about the 6 Stages of Postpartum Depression, and as I read it the tears started falling and I couldn't help but sit and bawl my eyes out.

The first five stages were fine. I completely related with each and every one. The sixth stage is where I lost it. I have for a very long time known that my postpartum depression had been tainted with an extra shot of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have come to a sane enough point to be able to identify that, and also identify most of the reasons behind it, but it has always baffled me why I still feel so traumatized when most of the things that traumatized me really have been dealt with by now. I had always attributed it to things that happened during the pregnancy and a short bit of extreme trauma in the weeks after the baby was born. Step number 6 really helped me understand why, and I can completely see now that a part of my PTSD has been caused by the trauma of dealing with the PPD and the changes it brought with it.

It just feels so good to know that I'm not the only freak in the world who has dealt with this to such an extreme level. It feels so relieving to know that there is an end, somewhere. There is healing. There has to be if others have healed.

One of the big things that brings me immediately back to the pain and trauma that I went through and opens the wounds up fresh and raw again is hearing that another woman is dealing with the same thing and going through postpartum depression.  I want to help, and hopefully I have been able to help a few. But I know I cannot erase the hurt and take away the pain for them. I know I cannot shield and protect them from everything they will go through. I cannot help and support them in all the ways I wish I could, and it breaks my heart. It is one of the reasons I am so open with this issue on my blog, because I don't ever want anyone else to feel as alone and isolated and hurt and hopeless as I did, without them knowing that someone else understands, someone else has been through this, and someone else cares.

So, for you fabulous mothers out there going through this little piece of hell... please know my heart is aching for you. Know that you are in my prayers, and know that I am only a phone call or email away.  Also, please take a moment to look over this website.  It really has an enormous amount of valuable help and information, both for you, and for your family.
 
One of the things that jumped out at me as I went through several of the pages of the website tonight was this sentence.

 ...the most common symptom of postpartum depression is not sadness at all- it is anxiety and agitation … and while many women who struggle might have periods of sadness, depression and tearfulness, the overwhelming symptoms that cause them great pain are difficulty concentrating, excessive worry, high level overwhelm, racing thoughts and difficulty sleeping. 

And I will expand on this... that the agitation mentioned frequently involves frustration, irritation, and lashing out at your children or husband. 

One of the difficult things is identifying that yes you HAVE postpartum depression, especially if you aren't feeling particularly sad or "depressed" in the way it is often depicted. You may not have an Eeyore face or a constant raincloud over your head... not everyone does. But if you are even wondering if you have PPD... there is a good chance you do. And a good chance you will NOT be able to just "get over it" on your own without a bit of understanding and support.

I'm here for you. Please call or email. It is the ONE thing that I can feel good about from the whole experience... helping someone else who may be dealing with it. 

May you find peace,
Rachel

Cream Puffs, Eggs, and Nests

Here is an update WITH PICTURES can you believe it? In no particular order, here are some recent pics!

Easter was fun! We decorated eggs with the chili peppers on Friday and Saturday was spent making yummy Easter treats.  I let each of the kids choose a treat to make and by the end of the day I was beyond frazzled. Thank goodness Eric and Eliza rescued me and took all the younger kids to get french fries and hamburgers and play at the playland while I basked in the calmness of the quiet house.

I get to be a proud mama and brag for a minute here... Mercy wanted to make cream puffs and as you can see from the pictures, they turned out beautifully!!  Now, cream puffs are not the easiest thing in the world to make. The dough is finicky and if you don't bake them just right they either turn out dry and crusty or fall flat.  Mercy found the recipe herself, made the dough herself, baked them herself, and WOW.  They were perfect!! Then she proceeded to make the Bavarian Custard from scratch and followed THAT recipe by herself too :)  I am pretty proud of her.

Eliza and Eric moved in that weekend (we have LOVED having them here!!) Jason and his girls surprised us with a visit Easter weekend too and it was awesome to see them and having them stay.  And then, the day after Easter MOM surprised us with a visit too.  Taliesin and Mercy had fun playing tetherball with her.  It was fun to see her enjoying the grandkids for a bit.

Anyway, enjoy the pics!!

Daisy's Coconut Jelly Bean Nests

Tyler's Chocolate Cereal Jellybean Nests

Taliesin's Cupcakes

Kitty Kat riding the wiggle car :) 

Someone

I'm like a puddle on the floor
I'm giving up on you.
I have melted more and more
I'm giving up on you.

You're never here.
You don't come through.
I'm giving up on you.

I've tried to be a calm and comfort.
Giving up on you.
I've tried to reach you through the storm
I'm giving up on you.

You never know.
You don't come through.
I'm giving up on you.

Somewhere. Some day.
Someone. Will blow it all away.
Sometime. Some how.
Someone. Won't give up on me.

Like the calm before the storm
I'm giving up on you.
Like the dark before the dawn
I'm giving up on you.

You don't come through.
You're never here.
I'm giving up on you.

You broke my heart so many times
I'm giving up on you.
My tears have rained upon the floor
I'm giving up on you.

You'll never know.
You'll never know.
I'm giving up on you.

Somewhere. Some day.
Someone. Will blow it all away.
Sometime. Some how.
Someone. Won't give up on me.
They won't give up on me.
Won't give up on me.