Rebuilding

 There are so many beliefs that went in as a child, so many experiences that shaped me, and unfortunately many of them were not conducive to viewing myself as anything other than broken, damaged and wrong.  I am not alone in this - it is after all the way of life that our childhood experiences shape the way we see the world, relationships, and ourselves.  It is the heartache of poverty and abuse, it is the loneliness of that surrounds us even in a crowd, it is the landscape painted with strokes of a faulty brush loaded with colors of complex trauma.  And - it is not a complete picture. It is incomplete to stop at the brush strokes that went down without adding in the details, appreciating the layers, or highlighting the beauty in between. 

Simple isn’t always good and complex definitely doesn’t mean bad, and yet I have often collapsed it as so.  I have seen the parts of me that kept myself safe my staying quiet as weak, wrong, and bad while simultaneously holding the parts of me that speak up powerfully, stand strong even if raging, and keep myself safe by being bigger, louder, and more scary than anything around me as bad and wrong too.  I’ve held myself wrong for not keeping myself safe a decade ago by the same standards that I would view keeping myself safe now - and simultaneously judged myself for keeping myself safe at all and putting up protection instead of standing in love, courage, peace and softness continually.  It’s as though I never give myself an option to win. 

I judge myself for not being free, expressive and letting my passion shine, for not being sunshine and roses and rainbows and that way of BEING loving light and sweetness I adore when I see it — and at the same time I have not trusted others when they are that way and have no connection to it - while holding myself wrong for not being it and them wrong for being it.  I only just today connected that I saw my little brother shamed and abused and hurt for BEING that love, freedom, light and playful sunshine - so why would I have ever given myself space to be that when it clearly was a dangerous way to be.  Up until now I only saw that I didn’t WANT to be like the people who seemed to be that happy go lucky because that way of being is also what was often adopted by some of the people that hurt me.   Not only have I held it wrong but also unsafe… and people wonder why they can’t tell if I just came from a carnival or a funeral. 

There is a silliness about it - a ridiculous standard of who I “should” be that has no grace or compassion or appreciation or thankfulness for who I’ve BEEN. 

Today my therapist encouraged to separate it somewhat, give some space and distance, and see that there are parts of me that needed to keep myself safe with silence, calmness, self shaming and complete seriousness growth and learning.  …. And there are some parts of me that have started to come online with owning my voice and finding the way to be true to me without raging… and there are some parts of me that feel shame at how I did or didn’t handle certain things mostly born of this insistent and unrealistic ideal of how to be the best possible me all the time even though that ideal is changing. 

I have had a sense of not being able to trust myself to know when enough is enough, to not be able to trust myself to keep myself safe, of being ashamed and angry at everything that I have allowed and created and all the ways I haven’t held myself and others safe too.   I have held rage at me, Kyle, Ryan, Mom, Dad, and others for everything else too - at some level. 

Today I give myself another layer back to me. I meet a new layer of myself newly. I hold myself safe and wrapped in love. 

Today I am reinforcing new stories, pictures, and ways of seeing me. 

I trust myself. 

I love myself.

I hold myself safe and cherished. 

I have boundaries and I hold them with love for myself. 

I surround myself with cashmere, softness, warmth, love and support. 

I am learning and always will be. 

There isn’t one part of me that is all or nothing - all powerful or the only truth.  There are parts of me all over the place that get to be loved, held and understood. 

I’m not wrong and neither is anyone else…. I may not be right either. I am me though - and I am the perfect amount of me in every situation. 

I am trustworthy. I am kind. I am loving. I CARE. 

I love me. And that is enough. 

Cashmere

 I was asked to write down what it would feel like to wrap myself up in cashmere instead of protection like I normally do.  Every time I try to write it down I go blank.  

I don’t know what cashmere feels like. Not in a relationship. Not in life. I’ve never been gifted cashmere. I’ve never been gifted that sensuous soft embrace of trust and been held with luxurious care. I’ve never been cherished consistently and protected as priceless and held that way.  I’ve had glimpses of it, brushed my hand against it, and sometimes even had that softness caress my cheek and kiss the back of my neck, just behind my ear.  I’ve seen what I thought was it, reached for it, even worn it - later to find I’d been duped by a fake. The kind that has just enough cashmere to not be outright false but mixed with enough scratchy wool and nylon to disappoint and become itchy at the first sign of heat or sweat from a brisk walk  or exertion.  I’ve worn the sweaters of hope and effort and even commitment and work - just to have it torn to pieces with every stitch of my soul shredded by the sharpened saber of another’s inner wounds. 

I know disappointment. I know how it feels to filter everything through the wounded eyes of betrayal and pain. What I’m not sure of right now is what it feels like to let it all go. To stop trying on the scratchy sweaters others hand me from their wounded past and instead paint myself in perfumes of sweet vanilla and fragrant jasmine, covering my soul with the softest embrace of meticulously hand selected fibers of love, connected by the steady hum of softly clicking knitting needles from the sweetest grandmother whose heart has aged but whose love grew stronger, shored up by the wrinkles of time. 

I’m not sure what it feels like to dress myself in robes of silk in front of mirrors reflecting the infinite beauty of who I am, tenderly caring for me.  I am beauty. I am love. I know it. I trust myself in it, but I am seeing how I haven’t carried myself in it, bathed in it, or wrapped myself up in the scent of it regardless of what paths cross mine each day.

I think I’ve had it twisted somewhere that if I live a life like that, it also means I live in naivety of life without pain, challenges, or sadness.  That a life wrapped in silk and cashmere only exists in blown glass bubble, and since I am not the princess in a fairytale that it really isn’t the life for me. 

But I am the center of the fairytale I create in my mind, regardless whether it is a life lived in clouds of bliss or - as I have currently painted it - filled it with more nonsensical creatures, terrible ogres and twisted lies and betrayal from a prince with a broken heart and whose self betrayal holds him back from holding me in cashmere every day.  I think he sees me as the spiny beast in this sad tale more often than the warrior princess wrapped in shrouds of chain mail and weighed down by the heaviness or the protection she carries, which is more often than not the way I dress myself. Or equally as often, I drape myself in robes of sadness with ash marked brows of haunting pain and shards of broken dreams strewn on the floor around me, feeling trapped, broken and unseen. 

I am neither fairy princess or haunted ghoul.  I am me. And it’s time to wrap me up in the copious amounts of love and care that is within me, savoring the scent of jasmine on the wind, letting my skin soak in the warmth of the sun that surround me when I step out of the concrete walls that have held me safe for so long. 

I can say it - but now, I get to be well practiced in it.  No matter what the price whether charming or foe is being around me. 

So to sum up this exercise of cashmere instead of protection - this is what I see.   That every day I get to embrace me, wrap myself up in the love and care and cherishing that I long for outside of me, hold myself with tenderness and sweet embrace while being authentically and vulnerably me. Trusting myself, holding myself, and staying vulnerable without fear. Letting all the fear go is a stretch because I see how knowing what to fear, what to avoid has kept me safe for so long. But I am no longer a child hiding from her Dad. I am no longer a teenager being disowned for having a voice that said no. I am no longer a woman being used or abused. I am no longer without an army of love around me from people who see me.  I am oceans of complexity and simple simultaneously.  I am love. I am me. 

Burn It All Down

 I wanna burn it all down

Throw it away

Give up and walk out

Scream and rage

Set fire to the pile

Of broken dreams

Break up with my heartache

And finally be free

But every time I do 

My tears drown it out

And I’m left in the rain of my own pain

Every time I yell I hope you finally hear

My heart breaking again

Fuck! When will it end?

The Light

And so, entrenched in deepest night, beyond the sunlight's glare,

We have a choice of pith or might, redouble or hold ensnare.

And be the burden far too great to reach beyond this step, 

For we are but a little mite, determined yet inept,

Tis then we must remember Him, remember in His grace

He holds us closer than we think. Look up and see His face. 

For he doth not rely on us to understand all things, 

His hand will steady, arms will hold, He'll be our warm embrace.

(Up to this point was written Oct 13 2011. Today as I re read it, I'm adding the next part. )

The conversations in our head

Bind us, keep us there

Feelings made of mud and muck

Familiar in embrace

The greatest love He has given

Is within us all

To step past mire and know inside

We've always been the power

Of choice and love, of letting go of shoulds and being right

To step past fear that holds us tight

Keeps us small and snared

Hidden from our light

To finally see the arms of Him

Have always been reflecting 

Who and what I've always been

And evermore will be

Caring and courageous love

Generosity of heart

The beauty that I see

Has residence in me. 

Vinegar and Honey

Hey there

How ya doin

Good lookin

How ya been 

You said you wanna get to know me there’s a few things you should know

Before you rip my heart in pieces when your ego starts to show

If you wanna get to know me

I gotta ask you how’s your skin

Is it thick enough to love me when my armor sets in

Cuz here’s the thing, my friend….

Here’s the thing, here’s the thing about me

I am vinegar and honey

With a dash of red cayenne

My edge cuts right through your bullshit

My spikes know just where to land

I’m spicy and I like it

Eat glass if you don’t care

For the woman that is all of me 

The dragon-lover-giver-friend with paint everywhere

Now you know 

You’ve been warned 

But   -  There’s more 

You gotta know

Damn I’m worth it

To be sure

There isn’t anyone one gods green earth who’ll love you any more 

And if you want the deepest love you’ve ever known then I’m your girl

But you should 

You should know

That I am oceans of emotions

And they’ll rock you every time

I wont just go through the motions

It’s real and raw and I

Might be too much for you

And if that small truth is true

That’s okay  That’s okay

That’s okay that’s okay 

Thats okay, but There’s the door

Cuz damn I’m worth it

To be sure

There’s nobody on god green earth who’ll love you anymore

And if you want the deepest love you’ve ever seen them I’m your girl

But you should know…. 

You should know

I am vinegar and honey

With a dash of red cayenne

My edge cuts right through your bullshit

My spikes know just where to land

I’m spicy and I like it

Eat glass if you don’t care

For the woman that is all of me 

The dragon-lover-giver-friend, the mother-artist did I mention dragon - with paint everywhere

Be the one

Little girl watching for her Daddy at the window

Waiting for the love she knows he'll bring

Be the one that reaches out

Be the one that lights the dark

Be the one that opens up the hardened heart to see

Be the one that reaches out

Be the one that cares enough

Be the one

Be the one

Be the one you want to see.

Girl Meets Boy

Girl meets boy

Boy falls in love.

Carrying her heart away… he promises

Crashes down

He breaks her heart

Tears are rolling, she’s come undone

If she holds onto the whisper 

That he’ll come around

If she holds onto the picture

Of what he threw down

Will he ever be the man he promised

Will he hold the weight

Of a thousand nights of heartache

rolling down her face

Stand up, stand up

show on up, stand up

Be the man you promised

Show up

You painted all the pictures 

Of The dream of who we are

Show on up, show on up

Stand and be

Show on up

Girl sees boy

Boy falls in love.

Carrying her heart away… he promises

Crashes down

He holds her heart

Tears are rolling, she is holding on so far

She held onto the whisper 

That he’ll come around

She held onto the picture painted

When the tears fell down

Will he be the man he promised

Will he hold the weight

Of a thousand nights of heartache

Please come kiss it all away

Stand up, stand up

show on up, stand up

Be the man you promised

Show up

You painted all the pictures 

Of The dream of who we are

Show on up, show on up

Stand up

Show on up

Agony

There is a part of my heart that wants to stay closed, protect, shield, and hold back. The rest of my heart wants to be free, to roam, to be, to love, to hurt, to cry, to ask, to give, to hold. Most days lately, the free part wins, and the love pours through me.  What I am learning to do lately is to let it pour over me freely too. 

A friend recently yelled at me… “How long will you choose agony?  It hurts to watch you!”  It stung. And keeps rattling around in my head, rolling back and forth.  It hasn’t been easy to see what they see.  I’m not sure I still do. 

For the longest time I acted as though my worth, my value, was in fixing things, making things better, doing the right thing, loving everyone around me, making life the best that it could be for them.  I wasn’t perfect at it by any means, some of it was driven by the belief that I am a hurtful person, by guilt of who I’d been and what I’ve done, by sorrows and heartache.  Whether I was perfect at all of it, emptying myself for others still meant more to me that others around me felt good and were happy and were taken care of and that I gave all I could and more, than having anything for me, including sometimes taking care of my physical needs. To a large degree that is still true.   If I think about a choice of giving to someone else, giving hope, love, comfort, opportunities, support, whatever… I would rather give it all away than have it for myself.   Right up until I feel threatened or the need to protect.  Then, that protection comes up first and is my first go to… especially when I feel I’m protecting others too. 

For me lately, I have been in a question.  When does giving, hurt? And not just giving… I have also acted as though the way to be good enough is to change me, and the way to change me is by learning and growing, and the best way to learn and grow is to empty myself in pursuit of being the best I can be, and that is sometimes accompanied by choosing to put myself into positions that stretch me, and sometimes the stretch hurts.  Is that the agony she meant?

Or is it the agony of putting the fault, the blame and the pain all on me, as though I am the center of the universe and could fix it all if I tried. Do I think myself so important? Is that it?  Or is it the opposite, that I think so little of me and value everyone else more, that I’ll sacrifice myself to fix it all if that’s what it takes.  Or is it both at different times. 

I don’t know, and I keep looking.  Is it the agony of being anything and everything except joy unleashed?  Do I choose agony in the small moments that make up my day?  Fear, hesitation, holding back rather than reaching for joy and passion and creating it in every moment possible?  Is that the agony?   And if so… what is it that really holds me back?  At this point is it fear? Or is it really just that I haven’t exercised that muscle enough through life and it is habit to reach past joy and on to the “learning”?

I am questioning everything. Am I holding onto “what’s possible” to the point of pain, and letting go of my joy along the way?  Am I holding onto my need to make sure I am the opposite of everything Ryan claims I am, the selfish whore who puts everyone else last and makes everything about  me… to the point of bleeding out before I stop and take care of me? 

Is it the need to protect first? Is that protective mode the agony? Do I just think it’s so normal I don’t know what agony is?

And how does it all connect to where I am at in my marriage. If I stay, and hold onto possibility, and work it all through, then every week am I just choosing agony instead of joy and freedom?  Or am I creating the work and emotional toll because I haven’t figured out how to be joy and love and everything possible yet and it has nothing to do with me staying and holding onto possibility? 

I feel off balance, unsure of my next step, and it’s showing up literally with disruptive vertigo all week. 

Vinegar and Honey

For many years I’ve been apprehensive to take on any leadership position where other people were involved. For years I’ve been told I steamroll, I am controlling, or been given unhelpful advice from people close to me, like my mom saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” with the insinuation being that is me…. Just vinegar.  I responded by conflating it to that’s who I am. Harsh. Controlling. Hurtful. Mean. Eventually I just withdrew from anywhere with a group. I withdrew from talking with people. I arranged my life to not need to be in a management position anywhere. It has been a process shifting the beliefs of who I am. 

I just finished up a weekend leading a team for Atlas Project ATX8 weekend. Leadership is seeing masterpiece and bringing it forth. I think this has been a different angle for me, as many times I’ve gauged leadership by getting things done.  I can get things done, but alienate people.  I can get things done, but the doing doesn’t feel nearly as fulfilling as knowing that while we did it, I also brought the best out in everyone around me.  Leadership is bringing alive the leadership in others, shining the light on what is there, bringing alive the beauty they are and the beauty they bring out in the world around them. 

I am depleted physically and emotionally right now, and also so fucking proud of myself.  My feedback now is “You call, I’m there. Just let me know when!” … and “You’ve changed my life, I’ll love you forever.”… and that I have “structured, loving leadership”.  I faced everything head on and shifted who I am, and kept on shifting.  When I stopped coming from avoidance and come from vision instead, leadership began changing shape. When I come from seeing the leaders in front of me and enrolling them in vision with me… life changed, I changed. 

Not just for this reason, but for many … I love me. I love who I am as a mother, as a daughter, as a leader, as a sister, and me with me.

I am Rachel Wipf. I am a caring, generous, loving leader.  I am a resilient, creative badass and a light in the world. My voice matters. I matter. My life matters and I love making sure people around me know they matter too. 

10 Things I Like About Me

 Things I like about me…

Years ago I wrote a blog post, of things I like about me. I don’t know what it says, but I thought it would be fun to write it again, and then maybe compare it. 

1. I like that I love people. I love them even when they don’t love themselves. I like that I see beauty in people where they may not always see it. 

2. I like that I like people. I couldn’t always say this haha. I didn’t always let myself like people. I was too afraid of being hurt, didn’t trust, and didn’t allow myself to engage to see past that all the time. Now, I find people to be cute, funny, even comical, sweet, loving, adorable, and yeah sometimes annoying too lol. But I see people and like them in a way I didn’t always.  I may not want to be friends and besties with everyone, but I like them. They make me smile. 

3. I like that I know my value, my worth, and own it.  I like that I am secure in that, well resourced in it, and able to discriminate between the voices in my head telling me I’m not enough vs who I am. The voices get loud sometimes still… but at the end of the day, I know who I am. And that is a pretty cool place to be. 

4. I like that I am okay in my own skin. Yeah, sometimes I would cut apart the tummy that gets in the way, or life my boobs higher, or cut away some of the neck and chin. I’m not blind… but I also like the way I look. I’m not ashamed of me. I like my curves, my edges, my softness, and my strength. I feel beautiful in my body, just the way it is. 

5.  I like the edges, the sharp way I cut through bullshit, the edges that are still exploring new spaces, pushing the limits of who I be, and where I go.  I like the way that I have a sharpness that works, as well as a softness that lets things land and process in ways I didn’t know how before. 

6.  I like the way I see clearly, that after I let myself process and unpeel the layers, I have clarity, context, and grace for myself and others… and that doesn’t mean I need to put up with anything. 

7. I like the bitch that is me. I love that Gabsy helped me reframe this. I am not too much. I am not not enough, I am the perfect amount of me. I am spicy and spikey sometimes, and that’s okay too. It may not always serve the vision of what I’m up to, and I’m not wrong for when I feel that way either. 

8. I love the beauty that is me. The gem that shines through. The sister that loves deeply. The friend that has your back. The one that bends over backwards when I don’t need to. The laughter that says I love my life. The sweetness of my friendship. The walking heart that I am. 

9. I like the mother that I am. I am not perfect. I am definitely not the Pinterest mom. I have messed up, a lot. And… nobody loves bigger than me when it comes to my kids. I like that I am always learning, willing to look, willing to shift, and open to listen. If this were a list of things and people I love in my life, my kids would have been the first thing on the list. Learning to love me as a mother has taken more time. I first had to get past the judgement I had on myself as a mother and look at the judgement I carry on my own mom too.  I am not the mom that looks good all the time, but I am the mom who loves without end. 

10. I like the love I live in. I like that I no longer allow fear to be what dictates who I be. I love that I move from creation and what is working more often than not. I love that I am not stuck in a prison of my own mind, culture, or expectations. I love the freedom that living in love comes with. 

Accept it

 Just accept it. That’s what Arthur said, after he texted me again to remind me, celebrate me, acknowledge me, yet again. I did it. I get to bask in it. I get to let it soak into the crevices that are me. I haven’t let it in, not all the way. It felt surreal. I get to let it in. 

I am not my results, and I am not defined by my results.  And, based on results, I did a fucking amazing job of captaining, leading, and holding the line. I am not my results, and I am responsible for results. Results do not define me, and they do indicate who I’ve been being and what I’ve been doing.  And based on results… there is a lot to be proud of. 

I am. I am proud. I’m proud of my team, my coaching team, and of me. I’m proud of the learning, the elevation for myself. I’m proud of outpromoting the promotiest promoter, and of having Caramia tell me I was being promotier than her. “Transformation is real!” I am proud that I was acknowledged as being empowering, nurturing, loving, big-hearted. I am not proud that I wasn’t seen as joyous and joyful… and… I am okay with it. The way I was being worked. I get to own what worked, and what didn’t. And what worked is that I led a team of leaders. Popcorn leaders as they were, they all had a taste, an opportunity to see themselves in leadership.

Part of my vision in Captaining was to develop leaders. I feel like I did that. I feel like I brought leadership alive. It’s in baby steps. But it’s there. And they see it and feel it.  I see future captains on my team. Definitely the potential for them to be is most definitely there. And whether they choose it or not I get to continue to develop. 

I don’t know where this all lands or will go, but for right now, here is what I know. 

I know my worth. 

I know my value. 

I not only know it but own it. 

I know I can do hard things, and that they don’t have to be hard. 

I know I can do beautiful things, create beautiful things, and have FUN while I do it. 

I know I am loved, that I love, and that people feel my love. 

I know I am a leader others would follow, that others would aspire to be like, and that inspires leadership and ownership in others. 

I know that my tendency to problem solve and manage has a place, and that when I lead with vision, coach with vision, hold vision, and live in vision, it comes alive in others, and they self manage and self problem solve. 

I know that my leadership can be tender, healing, and fierce all at the same time. 

I know that others may be triggered by me. That the leader they are may not always appreciate who I am… and that’s okay. I can still hold them, see them, and hold them high, without needing to hide any part of me. 

I am valued, I matter, and I know it at a new level. I let it sink in at a new level. 

I am still human. I still hurt. I still breathe, and with every breath I still get to be responsible for who I’m being and what I’m creating. Truth is, I’m a powerful creator. 

I can hold love and hold my value. I can be soft and I can be fearless. I am love, and I am powerful. 

I am beyond capable, and I trust what I see and feel. It has merit, value, and worth. It is often accurate and even when it’s not, I am curious and open and I learn. 

I can be passion, joy, love, and light, and I may still have people around me be triggered. I may still have people want me to make them feel better, good, loved, celebrated, or whatever they are looking for. I am responsible for who I am being and what I am creating — and they get to be responsible for how they are feeling and their responses and reactions to it. 

And when I reach for lightness, I first get to let go of the heaviness I carry on my chest, to hold the power of responsibility without hanging onto the heaviness of it, the weight and worry and agony of it. 

I am responsible, I am willing to be responsible for it all, and part of the responsibility can even be responding when others are not happy with what I’ve created. I don’t need to change their experience to respond with shifting myself and who I am being or where I am standing. 

I create results, with passion, commitment, dedication, determination, joy, love, courage, integrity, letting go of my worthiness conversations, my enoughness conversations, and owning courageously and vulberably the power that I am, the love that I am, and the tenacity that I am. 

When I come from love, vision, power, joy, passion, and integrity … anything is possible, everything is possible…. Because I say so. 

I am love. I am me. I am loved. I am me. I am worth. I am me. I am light. I am me. The way I love matters, and I love and am loved deeply. 

This is me. 

LAS4 - 105 hearts enrolled. All but 3 chose life initially on lifeboat. Record breaking individual enrollments with Justin at 34 hearts enrolled. DOUBLE the original record. 

This is just the beginning.  I am a lighthouse. 

This is me. 

Overflow

My heart is in overflow

It is still sinking in. 

I matter. You Matter. We matter. 

And we do because I say so. 

I am me, and I am joy, passion,  courage and love. 

I am love multiplied. 

And so are you. 

LAS4 is complete tomorrow and tonight I am overflowing with love. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am you, and you are me

Mom

You are everything

And nothing

And more 

And less.

You are love

And loved

And hated and despised.

You are less than perfect

Just like me

And beyond perfection

Just like me.

I love you

I hate you

I am you 

And you are me. 

Rainbows and Roses

Written November 2023

If I am so easily tattered and torn, bruised and beaten, sad and forlorn

Who holds the power, the key to go home?

The victim is raging the storm is within

I can’t fight the battle, there isn’t a win

But in the sweet essence of who I must be

A solar ray begins to lighten on me

The suns gentle rays can begin to warm up

The weather, the storm, the one that I lost

In spite of my folly’s the rain starts to show

That under the clouds there is this gentle flow

Tender red roses beginning to climb

The soft edges silken, so tender the vine

Where is the rainbow of my soul?

The one who clings to hope without letting go?

Each step feels like quicksand, each breath exhaled grief

The rainbow is coming. Hold on and believe. 

Collapsing Humiliation

Yesterday in my therapy session we identified how I am collapsing feeling humiliated with having it be my fault. That in some way by acknowledging the humiliation and feeling it that I am also to blame for what happened.  I am not sure how this started, or why … and it doesn’t really matter.  It was helpful to identify it. 

The fact is I feel humiliated and have many times.  It feels humiliating to have my private life not be private anymore, and feel the shame of anything I’ve done that could be judged.  It’s humiliating to feel the pain of where I’ve been and have it be blamed on me. 

Blame, shame, guilt, resentment... I've been told they are the lowest vibrational level of emotions. What is the highest? And what does that even mean?  I don't know, but now I can see I blame myself for the humiliation being possible. At least I have in the past.  

That gets to change, starting now.  I can feel humiliated without being humiliated. I am valid for feeling so, both for recent events and for what happened in the past with my ex.  It isn't something I've spoken about often but when I have I've just glossed over parts, minimized and simplified them.  It took me until just barely to really allow myself to begin to feel the depth of the humiliation, the hurt, the burn, the grief, the terror.

I get to feel it and let it go. It isn't me, and I've hung onto it for far too long.