Food. Here's the thing, I self-medicate with food. Reading about food. Shopping for food. Cooking food. And of course, eating food. When the everyday stress of stomping feet, slamming doors, piles of laundry, broken dryers, and a working-away-from home husband pile up on me... I either shut down and tell them to make themselves peanut butter sandwich, or I create food. I create something I have control over. I look in my cupboard and dream something up with a little of this, a little of that, and somehow, out of nowhere, something delicious appears. Something good. Something wonderful. Something to enjoy. Something to savor. Something I'm good at. And usually, something to share. When I'm missing my friends and my heart is aching, my eyes are full, and I can't curl up in Ry's arms... I either curl up in bed and try to stay there forever... or I bake. I cook. I create. And while I do, I think. I process. I unravel the strings wrapped around my heart. I untie the knots in my head. And while I have something to focus on that I love to do... my heart doesn't hurt so much for a minute.
Sometimes food is the way I say "I love you." Sometimes it's the way I say, "I care." Sometimes it's the way I say "I'm listening." And sometimes it's the way I say "I'm there."
And sometimes, it just looks good and I don't need a reason to eat it. :)
For tonight though, polenta said I'm missing Ry. Marinara said I'm missing my sisters and my friends. And chicken was just the easiest thing to cook:) While I cooked, I thought of Belinda. Ephriam and his baby sisters. And I tried to sort out why it's all connected to what's been going on lately with Baby Tori. Vicki. Katie's Oliver. Val. Broken friendships. Memories that hurt. And friendships that heal.
I also wanted to make a good meal for my sweet chili peppers. Mom's been working a lot lately, and they already had "make your own sandwiches" for lunch. I wanted to make them a real meal.
Overall, the meal was delicious, and the only thing missing was a dob of sour cream (I am my mother's daughter) and a garnish of fresh basil. At least that's what I tried to tell myself.
The real thing missing was Vicki. Alina. Val. Joe. Elizabeth. Danielle. Katie. Travis. Zach. Manda. Ellen. Nan. Belinda. Ephriam. Kristine. Mike. Pheobee. Faith. And of course, Ry.
Don't ask me how you are all woven together, and don't ask me why your name isn't on this list. It's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm processing through a lot of stuff and you're not in the current tangle of fresh experiences, old memories, lingering heartaches, or hopeful prayers and wishes.
Anyway, enjoy the recipes.
Polenta with Garlic Chicken, Marinara, and Asiago
In a non-stick 4 quart pan, boil 2 cups chicken broth, 2 cups water while you saute 1/2 and onion and a clove of minced garlic in 2 Tbsp olive oil. Add the garlic and onions to the broth mix, and add 1/4-1/2 tsp seasoning salt. Slowly whisk in 1 3/4 cups coarse ground cornmeal, and then add 3 Tbsp butter to keep it from going lumpy. Cover, reduce heat to low and stir every 5-10 minutes for the next 45 minutes until it is creamy and thick. Add 2 oz cream cheese and stir it in thoroughly. Pour into 2 buttered pie plates and place in the freezer or fridge to cool and setup. When it is set, pull it out, and pan fry it in a hot pan with lots of butter til it has a nice golden crust. (Flip it carefully.)
Pan fry some chicken breasts with garlic and herb seasoning... or fresh garlic, a dash of salt and pepper. Open your favorite brand of marinara sauce and simmer the chicken in it while the polenta cools. (Mine is Angela Mia's... but you probably can't find it at the store.)
Serve the polenta with the chicken and marinara on top, a dollop of sour cream, sprinkle of asiago, and a garnish of fresh basil.
Eat, and enjoy.
Preferably with friends.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Dishes, Laundry, and Dinner
Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.
SLAM!
That's the sound of love coming from my 11 year old right now.
Get the dishes done, or go to bed. That's all I asked. Dishes that I've been asking you to do since 5:00. Dishes that you should have had done this morning without me asking. Dishes that are piling up even worse because you won't get them done. Dishes you only have to do two days a week!
No. Stomping and slamming doors is soooo much better than just getting the job done.
Am I asking too much of my kids? Are they better off just doing nothing around the house and me not having to deal with slamming doors? Sometimes I wonder. Please tell me I'm not the only Mom who deals with this.
Anyway....
Socks. Socks on my hands, that's the trick to doing laundry. Has been since I was little. I know, you can start laughing now at the mental picture you just formed in your head. Me with mismatched socks on my hands bumbling around in the laundry room, head cocked to one side as I try pathetically to remember which one is the washer and which is the dryer. Disoriented stutters as I try to sort darks and lights.
Well, thankfully it's not that bad. Really. At least not most days :)
I just can't handle the thought of sticking my hands into the laundry hamper and having the germs clobber me as I load the dirty clothes into the washer. Given the smelly treasure we found in the load of little boys pants we washed yesterday, I probably have good reason for that phobia. So, I put clean socks onto my hands as I reach into the hamper and throw the laundry in.Then I throw the socks in too.
Well, the dryer isn't working right now, so despite the rainy weather, we have laundry hanging from baskets, couches, chairs, and whatever else we can find all over the house while we wait for it to dry. Fun times!
... Not really. There are times when being here alone without my handyman Ryan to fix everything really stinks. Literally. After all, 7 kids create dirty laundry faster than the clean laundry can airdry. That's all I'll say.
And the last thing on my mind right now, but not the least, are my friends. My anxious heart. And my choice of self-medication. Which leads me to dinner. What???
Yes, Dinner. (Come on now, keep up with me!)
But, I'll post separately for that. This is too long already. :)
SLAM!
That's the sound of love coming from my 11 year old right now.
Get the dishes done, or go to bed. That's all I asked. Dishes that I've been asking you to do since 5:00. Dishes that you should have had done this morning without me asking. Dishes that are piling up even worse because you won't get them done. Dishes you only have to do two days a week!
No. Stomping and slamming doors is soooo much better than just getting the job done.
Am I asking too much of my kids? Are they better off just doing nothing around the house and me not having to deal with slamming doors? Sometimes I wonder. Please tell me I'm not the only Mom who deals with this.
Anyway....
Socks. Socks on my hands, that's the trick to doing laundry. Has been since I was little. I know, you can start laughing now at the mental picture you just formed in your head. Me with mismatched socks on my hands bumbling around in the laundry room, head cocked to one side as I try pathetically to remember which one is the washer and which is the dryer. Disoriented stutters as I try to sort darks and lights.
Well, thankfully it's not that bad. Really. At least not most days :)
I just can't handle the thought of sticking my hands into the laundry hamper and having the germs clobber me as I load the dirty clothes into the washer. Given the smelly treasure we found in the load of little boys pants we washed yesterday, I probably have good reason for that phobia. So, I put clean socks onto my hands as I reach into the hamper and throw the laundry in.Then I throw the socks in too.
Well, the dryer isn't working right now, so despite the rainy weather, we have laundry hanging from baskets, couches, chairs, and whatever else we can find all over the house while we wait for it to dry. Fun times!
... Not really. There are times when being here alone without my handyman Ryan to fix everything really stinks. Literally. After all, 7 kids create dirty laundry faster than the clean laundry can airdry. That's all I'll say.
And the last thing on my mind right now, but not the least, are my friends. My anxious heart. And my choice of self-medication. Which leads me to dinner. What???
Yes, Dinner. (Come on now, keep up with me!)
But, I'll post separately for that. This is too long already. :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
As you walk through the front door of my house, the window will rattle as the door slams shut, which is the only way it will close is if it is slammed. The dining table has sticky handprints and oatmeal crumbles left from breakfast. There are bowls of half eaten ramen noodles left from dinner (the third or fourth time the kids have had ramen in the past week). On the side table, there is a case of marinara sauce that has been sitting for a while now. Looking off to the left you'll see a big blue couchbed thing that has been in my family room for the past two months, waiting to be hauled downstairs. Walking into the kitchen you would think that the dishes haven't been done for a week or so... not true. They were done yesterday morning. At least I think they were. Still, the counter is full of stacks of used cereal bowls and the sink has a collection of unwashed forks, spoons, and pans.
The little breakfast room has a random and unsettling collection of grocery odds and ends yet to be put away. Cans of soup, a large package of noodles, and three number ten cans of refried beans dot the table and although you can tell we aren't starving, the question begs... why hasn't all this been put away?
The collection of coats along the pathway to the stairs leading up to the kids' rooms suggest we haven't needed them for a few days, which is true - the weather has been lovely! We won't discuss the kids rooms, or my room. Suffice it to say they could use a bit of straightening. The laundry room? Frightening.
The taxes are halfway finished, will require a long day of concentration plus one semi short visit to an accountant, and hopefully I can have them wrapped up before too long. Are they done yet? No.
Meals at my house have been haphazard at best, though Ryan did make Root Beer Pork on Sunday and our weekend guests didn't go home unfed. If the trail of half eaten bites of hot dogs leading to my bedroom or the breadcrumbs all over my bed have any tale to tell, they'd say the kids are eating well enough for now at least. The mashed berries I wiped up off my carpet today say they are getting a variety of food besides ramen too, so I won't feel too guilty, yet. Still, it's time I put together some real meals. Did I get them made today? No. Of course not.
So then if the taxes aren't done, the kids are making their own meals, the house isn't clean, and the van still hasn't been washed or vaccumed, what DID I do?
I'll tell you.
I slept in til 6:30 and then took Ryan to work in St. George. I enjoyed breakfast with my kids and curled up in bed, chilly and apparently still exhausted from yesterday. I slept, slept, and slept some more.
I rocked my baby Jonnie, who isn't much of a baby anymore, until he fell asleep in my arms. And then, I rocked him some more. I talked with Braelin while Jonnie slept, helped Ty log on to his schoolwork online, and popped onto Facebook for a bit too -- lame, I know.
I walked to get the girls from school. I talked with Tyler as we walked. I played with Jonnie on the slide. I laughed with my girls while we happily walked home. Taliesin showed me the homework he was working on, while Mercy flopped down on the blue couchbed thing to take a much needed nap. I sang the Monkey Song with Braelin. I got Jonnie some milk in his cup. And then, I went to pick up Ry and spend some time with him.
We talked, I cried. We shared Cafe Rio on the patio, and watched a movie afterward. When we came home, the kids were already sleeping, curled up in bed on time for once - just like I'd asked.
The house will get cleaned up, tomorrow probably. The groceries will get organized in the pantry, and the dishes washed and put away. I'll throw something in the crockpot before I go to work, and Ryan will make sure they get dinner when he comes home.
For today, I'm glad I didn't clean. Glad I didn't cook. No taxes got done. Instead, I enjoyed my babies... and my man.
Life is good. Sometimes messy, but life is good.
The little breakfast room has a random and unsettling collection of grocery odds and ends yet to be put away. Cans of soup, a large package of noodles, and three number ten cans of refried beans dot the table and although you can tell we aren't starving, the question begs... why hasn't all this been put away?
The collection of coats along the pathway to the stairs leading up to the kids' rooms suggest we haven't needed them for a few days, which is true - the weather has been lovely! We won't discuss the kids rooms, or my room. Suffice it to say they could use a bit of straightening. The laundry room? Frightening.
The taxes are halfway finished, will require a long day of concentration plus one semi short visit to an accountant, and hopefully I can have them wrapped up before too long. Are they done yet? No.
Meals at my house have been haphazard at best, though Ryan did make Root Beer Pork on Sunday and our weekend guests didn't go home unfed. If the trail of half eaten bites of hot dogs leading to my bedroom or the breadcrumbs all over my bed have any tale to tell, they'd say the kids are eating well enough for now at least. The mashed berries I wiped up off my carpet today say they are getting a variety of food besides ramen too, so I won't feel too guilty, yet. Still, it's time I put together some real meals. Did I get them made today? No. Of course not.
So then if the taxes aren't done, the kids are making their own meals, the house isn't clean, and the van still hasn't been washed or vaccumed, what DID I do?
I'll tell you.
I slept in til 6:30 and then took Ryan to work in St. George. I enjoyed breakfast with my kids and curled up in bed, chilly and apparently still exhausted from yesterday. I slept, slept, and slept some more.
I rocked my baby Jonnie, who isn't much of a baby anymore, until he fell asleep in my arms. And then, I rocked him some more. I talked with Braelin while Jonnie slept, helped Ty log on to his schoolwork online, and popped onto Facebook for a bit too -- lame, I know.
I walked to get the girls from school. I talked with Tyler as we walked. I played with Jonnie on the slide. I laughed with my girls while we happily walked home. Taliesin showed me the homework he was working on, while Mercy flopped down on the blue couchbed thing to take a much needed nap. I sang the Monkey Song with Braelin. I got Jonnie some milk in his cup. And then, I went to pick up Ry and spend some time with him.
We talked, I cried. We shared Cafe Rio on the patio, and watched a movie afterward. When we came home, the kids were already sleeping, curled up in bed on time for once - just like I'd asked.
The house will get cleaned up, tomorrow probably. The groceries will get organized in the pantry, and the dishes washed and put away. I'll throw something in the crockpot before I go to work, and Ryan will make sure they get dinner when he comes home.
For today, I'm glad I didn't clean. Glad I didn't cook. No taxes got done. Instead, I enjoyed my babies... and my man.
Life is good. Sometimes messy, but life is good.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Snakes and Updates
Picture this. I have a nice long sleep, finally, and get up to go take a nice hot shower. Still a little sleepy, I reach in the shower to turn on the water so it can run for a minute and get hot before I get in. But instead, just as I touch it, I also see out of the corner of my eye that there is a brownish, creepy looking thing coiled around it.
A snake.
I'll leave you to imagine what I did next.
My son Tyler is the sweetest kid. Good natured and funny, loves to make people smile. And scream too, apparently.
Now, it is no secret that I have many fears or phobias. Heights, we've already discussed here on this blog. Compared to my fear of snakes... heights are a piece of cake!
(Why do I get the feeling Shauna Rose and Kris are laughing right about now as they remember scaring me to pieces with the whole innocent sounding "Rachel, what should I do with this?" mouse incident?)
Luckily for me -- or should I say, luckily for him -- it was a fake, rubber snake he bought for Jonnie the other day. Of course, his brother had to buy it for him, since I won't buy a toy snake. Or look at snakes in books. I look at the ceiling the whole time the kids drag me through the reptile house at the zoo. The whole snake pit part of the new "True Grit" movie was just way more than I could handle and my anxiety levels went through the roof as I sat there shaking and crying. Again. I know -- I'm a freak.
So, here is a picture of Jonnie with his rescued snake... and a few more updates. You can tell I haven't taken many pictures over the last few months, luckily someone has grabbed my camera and taken a few. And sadly, have posted even fewer.
Enjoy!
Rachel
Girls at Halloween... you read about their costumes already.
Amanda and Laura tackled giving the boys haircuts. First time for both of them... the boys were less than thrilled to be their victims. I was thrilled that finally the boys hair was getting cut!
I think they turned out pretty well though, especially since neither of the girls had cut hair before :)
Taliesin was less than thrilled with his haircut.... but that's par for the course. He never likes ANY haircut.
And here is my little snake culprit with his best friend and sister, Miss Carolina.
A snake.
I'll leave you to imagine what I did next.
My son Tyler is the sweetest kid. Good natured and funny, loves to make people smile. And scream too, apparently.
Now, it is no secret that I have many fears or phobias. Heights, we've already discussed here on this blog. Compared to my fear of snakes... heights are a piece of cake!
(Why do I get the feeling Shauna Rose and Kris are laughing right about now as they remember scaring me to pieces with the whole innocent sounding "Rachel, what should I do with this?" mouse incident?)
Luckily for me -- or should I say, luckily for him -- it was a fake, rubber snake he bought for Jonnie the other day. Of course, his brother had to buy it for him, since I won't buy a toy snake. Or look at snakes in books. I look at the ceiling the whole time the kids drag me through the reptile house at the zoo. The whole snake pit part of the new "True Grit" movie was just way more than I could handle and my anxiety levels went through the roof as I sat there shaking and crying. Again. I know -- I'm a freak.
So, here is a picture of Jonnie with his rescued snake... and a few more updates. You can tell I haven't taken many pictures over the last few months, luckily someone has grabbed my camera and taken a few. And sadly, have posted even fewer.
Enjoy!
Rachel
Girls at Halloween... you read about their costumes already.
Amanda and Laura tackled giving the boys haircuts. First time for both of them... the boys were less than thrilled to be their victims. I was thrilled that finally the boys hair was getting cut!
 |
| Can you tell how thrilled he is? |
 |
| Tyler also bought Jonnie this new teddy bear. What a sweetie! |
Changes
Last year, for me, was a year of healing. This year, feels like it will be a year of change. Not just for my life, but for many of my friends and family too. Not that last year wasn't full of changes... it definitely was.
One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.
My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment. Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.
I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks. I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake. I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.
I also want Ryan home with us each night. When we moved here, it felt like home. It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years. I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.
Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does. Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships. Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one. Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.
Maybe. But really, I just miss him.
I love you Ry.
No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part. We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!) I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon. 3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...
"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...
"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
And then later...
"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning. There really was a good reason for that headache I had!
But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.
Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.
One of the changes, and one that has spurred me being open to more change, is cancer. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sleep so I posted on my blog... that is the biggest thing that was weighing on my heart, but I couldn't face it enough to write about it and process it through.
My friend and sister in law Val has cancer. This isn't new news to most of you reading this. She had a second surgery to remove her thyroid, and faces radiation and treatment. Everything should turn out fine, it is a very "treatable" cancer, as far as cancer goes. But still -- it just brings everything into perspective to face something like that. And if cancer, if the thought of losing Val, brings everything into perspective to me... I can only imagine what it has been like for her.
I hope this year is a year of healing for Val.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a couple weeks. I'm emotional, I know. I told Ryan that I just wanted to move back to Salt Lake. I want to be close to his Mom. I want to be close to the people that have stood by me through the years and never wavered their love and friendship. I want to be there to support Joe's family as they go through some difficult and trying times both now, and ahead. I want to be there with everyone while their family is still mostly all together before their teenagers move into adulthood and build their own lives.
I also want Ryan home with us each night. When we moved here, it felt like home. It felt like we had moved to a place we could stay for many years. I felt immediately surrounded by friends. And some of those friends even felt like family, for a little while. But now, it doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Ryan's gone. And I'm at home when I'm with him.
Maybe I've just adapted to his "flexible" way of living life. Maybe I've come to thrive on change just like he does. Maybe I just don't want to stay in one place and face the changes that have come in different friendships. Maybe I'm just looking for the golden answer for us financially, when really there isn't one. Maybe I'm just so worn out and tired.
Maybe. But really, I just miss him.
I love you Ry.
No plans to move back to Salt Lake, or anywhere else, yet. We'll see what life brings us. Mostly we're just in waiting mode, seeing where the next week takes us in our lives, and then the week after that. Obviously we have a family to feed, and new shoes the kids all need, and obligations to pay, and all of that plays a part. We can't just up and move without taking some of that into consideration. On the other hand we can't just have him come home and stay home without taking some of that into consideration. And so, I began to stress out about some of the decisions we have to make the other night, had a fitful night tossing and only have sleeping (which is NOT good when you have to be to work at 3am the next day!) I decided to listen to some scriptures on audiobook so I turned on the Book of Mormon. 3rd Nephi and Moroni are always my favorites to read, and as I lay there listening, I heard the part in chapter 13 and 14 where the Savior is teaching the people.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."...
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on."...
"Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."...
"...your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need... but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
And then later...
"Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"
Well, I laid there awake long enough to get to chapter 13, and that was after I had already been tossing and turning. There really was a good reason for that headache I had!
But after that, I finally fell asleep and I've felt so much more calm about everything since.
Thank you Father, for taking care of us, and for loving us.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Gingerbread and Snowmen
The holiday season was busy, as I'm sure it was for all of you. The day after I got back from Kansas, I started a new job working in the deli at the local grocery store. What started out as a part time job quickly turned to full time hours as two of their full timers went on extended sick leave. When I wasn't at work, I was busy at home make the holidays sweet and special for my kiddos.
A large part of my Christmas memories include staying home from school the week before Christmas, making cookies and other crafts with Mom. She taught me how to make Gingerbread Cookie dough, and Sour Cream Cookie dough. Then we would roll them out, cut them out, and later decorate them. After trying to roll out Sour Cream Cookies into giant snowmen cookies and decorating them with my kids for neighbor gifts this year, I'm pretty sure that what I remember as excited children all having fun cutting out cookies looked or felt more like mayhem to my Mom. I'm sure she had fun too... she was that kind of a Mom, and obviously she kept on doing them with us from year to year, but doing them with my kids this year made me appreciate her even more. She let us have the rolling pin, cut the cookies out, place them on the baking sheets, guiding us rather than doing it all herself while we watched.
I'm convinced that bakers everywhere, after tasting a properly made, soft and moist Sour Cream Cookie topped with Cream Cheese Frosting, would abandon all other sugar cookie recipes. There isn't a better roll-out cookie dough recipe than Mom's Sour Cream Cookies. Unfortunately, her Gingerbread Cookie Recipe didn't fare so well. The dough was delicious. The rich, full flavor of molasses and ginger is still one of my favorites, and gingerbread cookies are as much a part of Christmas to me as the tree and presents. We would make the dough, wait impatiently while it set up in the refrigerator, roll them out and bake them. But after decorating them, the fun was over. They were tough, hard, and nearly inedible. Still, when I found Mom's original recipe cards years later, I snagged both cookie dough cards and saved them til I could make them with my own kids.
After yet another batch of unedible gingerbread cookies while living in Duchesne, I finally decided it was time to research other recipes and see what could be done to make them edible. Funny, Mom's recipe was identical to the one I found on America's Test Kitchen website. Except hers was missing a couple key ingredients like butter and soda. Perhaps it wasn't the original recipe card but instead a hastily transcribed version, sans a few important ingredients. For the first time, I tasted real gingerbread cookies. Delicious! My friend and neighbor Jackie Johanson got a plate of tiny, soft gingerbread bells and stars topped with melt-in-your-mouth cream cheese frosting with hint of maple. Good thing I sent them to her, or I would have eaten them all myself.
Another Christmas memory I have is of Mom sewing. She sewed every year, but one that I remember most was the dolls she made us. I remember watching her sewing a dark pink, perfectly stitched, round nose and then later seeing it attached to the dolls she gave to Danielle and I. Big, wide faces of cloth, with big eyes, noses, and mouths all hand stitched. Sadly, I must have been enchanted with makeup at one point because I ruined the doll after applying blush to her cheeks with a purple marker.
And, I sewed this year too. Yep! Me, sewing. It's been a while, but I was pretty excited to use the 1954 green machine I bought at a garage sale. Sadly it died on me before I was able to get the girls dresses sewn, but I did finish the homemade stockings at least. A few long nights sewing to the wee hours of the morning and several stockings later... the machine all of a sudden started grinding gears together and stopped moving. All that I had planned for the rest of my nephews and nieces and friends were going to have to wait for another year.
I hope they all had fun getting the stockings as I did getting them ready. They were made of sweaters and a wool coat, bought at the thrift store and used for fabric. Turned out pretty cute I think! Sadly, all the pictures are on Ry's phone, so I'll have to update you later...
The night before we headed up to Salt Lake, we made Rice Krispie snowmen. Fun, fun, fun. Too bad they turned out "socially unacceptable" and looking like abominable snow babies. They were supposed to be our gifts to each of the Dutton Family... plus gifts for the remaining neighbors and siblings who were missing out on stockings. Fun to make with kids though. We'll have to try again another year...
Here are the cookie recipes... I hope you enjoy making sweet holiday memories as much as I did. I think next year my siblings are all going to get a plate of soft gingerbread cookies and a recipe card.
Thanks Mom, for making the holidays sweet.
America's Test Kitchen GINGERBREAD COOKIE recipe
Combine:
3 cups flour
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon soda
Add and mix til it resembles fine meal:
12 Tablespoons of butter, cut into 1 Tablespoon pats.
Gradually add while mixing:
3/4 cup molasses
2 Tablespoons milk
Divide dough into smaller portions and roll between two sheets of parchment paper to 1/4" thickness. Refrigerate 15 minutes until well chilled and firm. (If you don't have parchment paper, you can refrigerated the tightly wrapped ball of dough for 2 hours before rolling onto a surface sprayed with cooking spray. (Do not flour the surface or your gingerbread will be dry.)
Cut out the desired shapes and bake on 350 degrees for 8-11 minutes.
Bake til set in center and a touch of the finger barely leaves an imprint.
Cool them on the tray for a few minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.
I like to make some small cookies and top them with Cream Cheese Frosting to which I have added a drop or two of Maple Extract. Remember, the key to Cream Cheese Frosting is to whip it for ten minutes until it is nice and fluffy.
MOM'S SOUR CREAM COOKIES
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup butter or shortening
2 eggs
1-2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2-1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
4 1/4 cups unsifted flour
Mix sugar, shortening, and eggs. Beat until fluffy. Add vanilla, sour cream, and soda. Mix well. Stir in flour, baking poder, and salt. Divide in half. Chill 1 hour. Roll to 3/16" on lightly floured board. But,. Bake on greased sheet at 35 degrees 5-7 minutes. DO NOT BROWN. (4 dozen cookies)
Rachel's notes:
The recipe is written above just how Mom had it. I always withhold the extra 1/4 cup of flour. If the dough is quite sticky, add it. If the dough is just a bit sticky, don't add it. One day I'm going to weigh this recipe out so I can get it just right every time... til then, we'll have to do with cup measurements. I usually use both teaspoons of vanilla for flavor, and around 3/4 teaspoon of salt. The most important parts of this recipe are not to overmix the dough and not to overcook the cookies. It should be thoroughly mixed, but not overmixed or they will not be light and fluffly. And they cook fast! Overcooked cookies will be dry. Undercooked will have a heavy center. Perfectly cooked will be moist and delicious. Do a test batch or two to guage how they will be in your oven.
And last but not least... I chill this dough for 15 minutes, and then roll it between parchment paper or plastic wrap, then chill in the freezer for 15 minutes. I never use the floured surface.
A large part of my Christmas memories include staying home from school the week before Christmas, making cookies and other crafts with Mom. She taught me how to make Gingerbread Cookie dough, and Sour Cream Cookie dough. Then we would roll them out, cut them out, and later decorate them. After trying to roll out Sour Cream Cookies into giant snowmen cookies and decorating them with my kids for neighbor gifts this year, I'm pretty sure that what I remember as excited children all having fun cutting out cookies looked or felt more like mayhem to my Mom. I'm sure she had fun too... she was that kind of a Mom, and obviously she kept on doing them with us from year to year, but doing them with my kids this year made me appreciate her even more. She let us have the rolling pin, cut the cookies out, place them on the baking sheets, guiding us rather than doing it all herself while we watched.
I'm convinced that bakers everywhere, after tasting a properly made, soft and moist Sour Cream Cookie topped with Cream Cheese Frosting, would abandon all other sugar cookie recipes. There isn't a better roll-out cookie dough recipe than Mom's Sour Cream Cookies. Unfortunately, her Gingerbread Cookie Recipe didn't fare so well. The dough was delicious. The rich, full flavor of molasses and ginger is still one of my favorites, and gingerbread cookies are as much a part of Christmas to me as the tree and presents. We would make the dough, wait impatiently while it set up in the refrigerator, roll them out and bake them. But after decorating them, the fun was over. They were tough, hard, and nearly inedible. Still, when I found Mom's original recipe cards years later, I snagged both cookie dough cards and saved them til I could make them with my own kids.
After yet another batch of unedible gingerbread cookies while living in Duchesne, I finally decided it was time to research other recipes and see what could be done to make them edible. Funny, Mom's recipe was identical to the one I found on America's Test Kitchen website. Except hers was missing a couple key ingredients like butter and soda. Perhaps it wasn't the original recipe card but instead a hastily transcribed version, sans a few important ingredients. For the first time, I tasted real gingerbread cookies. Delicious! My friend and neighbor Jackie Johanson got a plate of tiny, soft gingerbread bells and stars topped with melt-in-your-mouth cream cheese frosting with hint of maple. Good thing I sent them to her, or I would have eaten them all myself.
Another Christmas memory I have is of Mom sewing. She sewed every year, but one that I remember most was the dolls she made us. I remember watching her sewing a dark pink, perfectly stitched, round nose and then later seeing it attached to the dolls she gave to Danielle and I. Big, wide faces of cloth, with big eyes, noses, and mouths all hand stitched. Sadly, I must have been enchanted with makeup at one point because I ruined the doll after applying blush to her cheeks with a purple marker.
And, I sewed this year too. Yep! Me, sewing. It's been a while, but I was pretty excited to use the 1954 green machine I bought at a garage sale. Sadly it died on me before I was able to get the girls dresses sewn, but I did finish the homemade stockings at least. A few long nights sewing to the wee hours of the morning and several stockings later... the machine all of a sudden started grinding gears together and stopped moving. All that I had planned for the rest of my nephews and nieces and friends were going to have to wait for another year.
I hope they all had fun getting the stockings as I did getting them ready. They were made of sweaters and a wool coat, bought at the thrift store and used for fabric. Turned out pretty cute I think! Sadly, all the pictures are on Ry's phone, so I'll have to update you later...
The night before we headed up to Salt Lake, we made Rice Krispie snowmen. Fun, fun, fun. Too bad they turned out "socially unacceptable" and looking like abominable snow babies. They were supposed to be our gifts to each of the Dutton Family... plus gifts for the remaining neighbors and siblings who were missing out on stockings. Fun to make with kids though. We'll have to try again another year...
Here are the cookie recipes... I hope you enjoy making sweet holiday memories as much as I did. I think next year my siblings are all going to get a plate of soft gingerbread cookies and a recipe card.
Thanks Mom, for making the holidays sweet.
America's Test Kitchen GINGERBREAD COOKIE recipe
Combine:
3 cups flour
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon soda
Add and mix til it resembles fine meal:
12 Tablespoons of butter, cut into 1 Tablespoon pats.
Gradually add while mixing:
3/4 cup molasses
2 Tablespoons milk
Divide dough into smaller portions and roll between two sheets of parchment paper to 1/4" thickness. Refrigerate 15 minutes until well chilled and firm. (If you don't have parchment paper, you can refrigerated the tightly wrapped ball of dough for 2 hours before rolling onto a surface sprayed with cooking spray. (Do not flour the surface or your gingerbread will be dry.)
Cut out the desired shapes and bake on 350 degrees for 8-11 minutes.
Bake til set in center and a touch of the finger barely leaves an imprint.
Cool them on the tray for a few minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.
I like to make some small cookies and top them with Cream Cheese Frosting to which I have added a drop or two of Maple Extract. Remember, the key to Cream Cheese Frosting is to whip it for ten minutes until it is nice and fluffy.
MOM'S SOUR CREAM COOKIES
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup butter or shortening
2 eggs
1-2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2-1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
4 1/4 cups unsifted flour
Mix sugar, shortening, and eggs. Beat until fluffy. Add vanilla, sour cream, and soda. Mix well. Stir in flour, baking poder, and salt. Divide in half. Chill 1 hour. Roll to 3/16" on lightly floured board. But,. Bake on greased sheet at 35 degrees 5-7 minutes. DO NOT BROWN. (4 dozen cookies)
Rachel's notes:
The recipe is written above just how Mom had it. I always withhold the extra 1/4 cup of flour. If the dough is quite sticky, add it. If the dough is just a bit sticky, don't add it. One day I'm going to weigh this recipe out so I can get it just right every time... til then, we'll have to do with cup measurements. I usually use both teaspoons of vanilla for flavor, and around 3/4 teaspoon of salt. The most important parts of this recipe are not to overmix the dough and not to overcook the cookies. It should be thoroughly mixed, but not overmixed or they will not be light and fluffly. And they cook fast! Overcooked cookies will be dry. Undercooked will have a heavy center. Perfectly cooked will be moist and delicious. Do a test batch or two to guage how they will be in your oven.
And last but not least... I chill this dough for 15 minutes, and then roll it between parchment paper or plastic wrap, then chill in the freezer for 15 minutes. I never use the floured surface.
Jonnie Cake
Sleep eludes me tonight. My heart is full. A bit of joy, anguish, heartache, love, and missing Ryan all combined I guess. Eliza asked me where my blog went, and so I decided rather than lay there tossing and turning, I'd write it out, catch you up on my life lately, and some of the things that have been in my heart through the holidays. It's either that, or an overdose of Benadryl to knock me out. I think this is the healthier way to medicate :)
But first, a cute story that I want to remember later. Facebookers already heard about it... but here it is anyway.
Earlier this evening, little Jonnie found a box of cake mix and asked me if he could "buy it." I said yes, and a few minutes later he came back with a fork and tried to poke the box open. That didn't work, so he trotted off to get a spoon. No luck.
Next he came back with a butter knife, trying to stab it open. Mean old Mom is watching him, laughing. He hands everything to me, telling me to open it. I tried stabbing the box and said "it won't work!" He finally decided the butterknife wasn't going to do the trick because a couple minutes later he comes back with a small sharp knife from the kitchen, takes the box from me, and starts stabbing the box top with it. When I asked him where he got it he said "at school." Keep in mind the kid is barely two.
Ten minutes later, with Mom watching closely so that he didn't get hurt in the process, he succeeded in getting the flap open and the cake mix out. Each movement sent a puff of cake mix all over my bedroom floor as it escaped from one of the many holes he had stabbed through the bag. He handed it to me, ran back to the kitchen, and brought me back a plate for his cake.
Off to the store we went to buy eggs so we could make a Jonnie Cake. He's such a fun kid! Two years old with long-ish tousled hair. He reminds me so much of my Dad sometimes. Not sure why...
I think I'll post separately on a few things. Probably easier for me to process that way.
But first, a cute story that I want to remember later. Facebookers already heard about it... but here it is anyway.
Earlier this evening, little Jonnie found a box of cake mix and asked me if he could "buy it." I said yes, and a few minutes later he came back with a fork and tried to poke the box open. That didn't work, so he trotted off to get a spoon. No luck.
Next he came back with a butter knife, trying to stab it open. Mean old Mom is watching him, laughing. He hands everything to me, telling me to open it. I tried stabbing the box and said "it won't work!" He finally decided the butterknife wasn't going to do the trick because a couple minutes later he comes back with a small sharp knife from the kitchen, takes the box from me, and starts stabbing the box top with it. When I asked him where he got it he said "at school." Keep in mind the kid is barely two.
Ten minutes later, with Mom watching closely so that he didn't get hurt in the process, he succeeded in getting the flap open and the cake mix out. Each movement sent a puff of cake mix all over my bedroom floor as it escaped from one of the many holes he had stabbed through the bag. He handed it to me, ran back to the kitchen, and brought me back a plate for his cake.
Off to the store we went to buy eggs so we could make a Jonnie Cake. He's such a fun kid! Two years old with long-ish tousled hair. He reminds me so much of my Dad sometimes. Not sure why...
I think I'll post separately on a few things. Probably easier for me to process that way.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
There's No Place Like Home...
I woke up yesterday in a tiny town on the west border of Kansas where the cattle outnumber humans 1000 to 1. I'd been staying with Ry for a couple days while he worked. He drove home to Utah for Thanksgiving, and then I drove back with him to Leoti. It was wonderful to see him, and talk and laugh with him. We definitely needed the time together. While I may be used to having him gone for long periods of time, it is an understatement to say that I am certainly not cut out for a long distance relationship. Alas, all good things usually come to an end, and so after eating breakfast together, I drove home yesterday without him.
Driving long distances doesn't bother me, in fact it I actually like driving alone for long distances as long as the roads are dry. Give me a great audiobook, a roadmap, a pack of gum, some snacks and I'm good to go.
Vail pass was icy and snowy when Ry and I drove out on Wednesday night so going back, I decided to take Highway 50 across Colorado. Sayanora Dorothy. See ya later Toto. Goodbye Kansas. I miss you already Ry.
The drive went well and the roads were dry. The long, flat roads out of Kansas pass by peaceful fields of dry, brown sunflowers with drooping heads bereft of their fullness. Tall grain silos and small clusters of farm houses and aging barns along the way gave a feeling of warm, rich life in contrast to the silent, empty fields. I found my self wondering about the people who lived and worked there, what patterns their daily living followed, and the fabric of their family's lives. I also wished I had my camera with me.
The cool weather turned warm as I sped across southern Colorado where the once straight roads now twisted and curved as they began to wind along the Arkansas River. As I climbed up Pauncho Pass, snow appeared along the sides of the roads, and ice crackled over the bluish-gray water. The car followed the curving road up and then back down the San Juan mountain passes, the wind whipped and the sky began to darken with sullen clouds. Sunlight faded, and inky darkness prevailed.
It was cold, dark, and windy when I stopped to refuel in Grand Junction. I looked forward to crossing into Utah where the silent mountains formations that make up Central Utah would surround me as I traveled across to I-15, and then finally south, and home.
It was refreshing to me to just be alone for a long time. Perhaps I'm a bit odd that way, but driving alone calms me. No expectations. No requests from kids. No dishes or laundry staring me in the face. Just me, my thoughts, and the open road.
I watched the gauge showing the outside temperature climb as I dropped down past New Harmony and into Toquerville, and then into town. It was about midnight when I pulled in the drive, parked the car, and carried in my bags. Mercy was stretched out on my bed snuggled next to Jonnie, and as I put the bags down on my bedroom floor, I noticed a package and a handmade card sitting on my nightstand.
Rachel,
I hope you have a great birthday.
It has been fun getting to know you and your cute family.
I have enjoyed your friendship.
Happy Birthday!
Camille
Inside the box was a beautiful "WillowTree" figurine, a brown haired woman breathing in the aroma of the bundle of flowers in her arms. Graceful, simple, and perfect.
My eyes misted as I read the card, but when I opened the box, I sat and cried for 20 minutes. How did she even know when my birthday was?
Thank you Camille, more than you know.
And thank you to all of the rest of you who sent me such wonderful birthday texts and messages as I drove. I had a nice birthday chat with Danielle and Mom, and one with Joe the night before. Plus Amanda sang me a Happy Birthday song on my phone messages, and Mercy, Alex, and Kenzie sang to me as well.
The kiddos must have missed me too, because before the morning light filled the sky, there were four of my kids in my bed, and I had to get up and move to one of their beds to get any sleep! They showered me with wonderful homemade cards and notes this morning when I awoke, and later Amanda and my sweet friend Sheila both gave me gifts as well.
Thank you all for being a part of my life, and for touching my heart.
It was definitely a Happy Birthday.
Driving long distances doesn't bother me, in fact it I actually like driving alone for long distances as long as the roads are dry. Give me a great audiobook, a roadmap, a pack of gum, some snacks and I'm good to go.
Vail pass was icy and snowy when Ry and I drove out on Wednesday night so going back, I decided to take Highway 50 across Colorado. Sayanora Dorothy. See ya later Toto. Goodbye Kansas. I miss you already Ry.
The drive went well and the roads were dry. The long, flat roads out of Kansas pass by peaceful fields of dry, brown sunflowers with drooping heads bereft of their fullness. Tall grain silos and small clusters of farm houses and aging barns along the way gave a feeling of warm, rich life in contrast to the silent, empty fields. I found my self wondering about the people who lived and worked there, what patterns their daily living followed, and the fabric of their family's lives. I also wished I had my camera with me.
The cool weather turned warm as I sped across southern Colorado where the once straight roads now twisted and curved as they began to wind along the Arkansas River. As I climbed up Pauncho Pass, snow appeared along the sides of the roads, and ice crackled over the bluish-gray water. The car followed the curving road up and then back down the San Juan mountain passes, the wind whipped and the sky began to darken with sullen clouds. Sunlight faded, and inky darkness prevailed.
It was cold, dark, and windy when I stopped to refuel in Grand Junction. I looked forward to crossing into Utah where the silent mountains formations that make up Central Utah would surround me as I traveled across to I-15, and then finally south, and home.
It was refreshing to me to just be alone for a long time. Perhaps I'm a bit odd that way, but driving alone calms me. No expectations. No requests from kids. No dishes or laundry staring me in the face. Just me, my thoughts, and the open road.
I watched the gauge showing the outside temperature climb as I dropped down past New Harmony and into Toquerville, and then into town. It was about midnight when I pulled in the drive, parked the car, and carried in my bags. Mercy was stretched out on my bed snuggled next to Jonnie, and as I put the bags down on my bedroom floor, I noticed a package and a handmade card sitting on my nightstand.
Rachel,
I hope you have a great birthday.
It has been fun getting to know you and your cute family.
I have enjoyed your friendship.
Happy Birthday!
Camille
Inside the box was a beautiful "WillowTree" figurine, a brown haired woman breathing in the aroma of the bundle of flowers in her arms. Graceful, simple, and perfect.
My eyes misted as I read the card, but when I opened the box, I sat and cried for 20 minutes. How did she even know when my birthday was?
Thank you Camille, more than you know.
And thank you to all of the rest of you who sent me such wonderful birthday texts and messages as I drove. I had a nice birthday chat with Danielle and Mom, and one with Joe the night before. Plus Amanda sang me a Happy Birthday song on my phone messages, and Mercy, Alex, and Kenzie sang to me as well.
The kiddos must have missed me too, because before the morning light filled the sky, there were four of my kids in my bed, and I had to get up and move to one of their beds to get any sleep! They showered me with wonderful homemade cards and notes this morning when I awoke, and later Amanda and my sweet friend Sheila both gave me gifts as well.
Thank you all for being a part of my life, and for touching my heart.
It was definitely a Happy Birthday.
Monday, November 22, 2010
My Mercy
Braelin fell asleep early tonight as I stroked his back in front of the fireplace, and later as I snuggled Jonnie up in his blanket and laid him down to sleep, he asked me to sing to him. And so, of course, I did.
I love singing to my kids. Ryan told me years ago that the kids would never remember if Mom sang a bit off tune to them, but they would always remember that she sang to them. For a very long time when we lived in Roosevelt, I would sit out in the hallway between their two bedrooms after evening prayers and sing hymns and lullabies. Many times Ry would come home after working into the evening and sing with me. Good memories.
Tonight after Jonnie went to sleep, I kept on singing a few more hymns and Mercy grabbed a book and started singing with me. All the rest of the kids are up in Salt Lake with Amanda, so it was just me and her, singing away. No piano, no audience - I loved it. I hope that she does remember that we sang, and that I love her.
Thanks for being my Mercy Angel.
Mom
I love singing to my kids. Ryan told me years ago that the kids would never remember if Mom sang a bit off tune to them, but they would always remember that she sang to them. For a very long time when we lived in Roosevelt, I would sit out in the hallway between their two bedrooms after evening prayers and sing hymns and lullabies. Many times Ry would come home after working into the evening and sing with me. Good memories.
Thanks for being my Mercy Angel.
Mom
Monday, November 15, 2010
11:00 and All's Well!
Do you remember watching Disney's Robin Hood as a kid? Ry's sister Barb bought it for our family when we were little and it never ceases to entertain me. I don't know how many hundreds of times I have watched that and still love every bit of it. Okay, so that has nothing to do with my post except for the part where the Nutsy is on guard duty and yells out "All's Well!"
Everything IS much better today. I only got woken up three times last night by the kiddos, took another nap this morning, and another this afternoon. Sleep always helps. And a nice conversation with my man helped too.
And I realized that it might be helpful for y'all to know really where I'm at. On a scale of 0-100, with 0 being no depression whatsoever and 100 being properly diagnosed as clinically depressed and in need of intervention.... I was at about 1,000 for 18 months after Jonnie was born and my anxiety levels were at 10,000. Yesterday -- I was about 20. Today, I'm at a 1. No big deal.
Today I laughed, I joked, I sang. Three songs in fact - all with my kids. We played Boggle and listened to Carolina give her oral report on the Statue of Liberty for Family Night, after reading the prophet Joseph Smith's teachings on prayer. I played hide and seek with Jonnie and his blanket before bedtime, went shopping with Tali and Ty, and bought posterboard to make Daisy's student of the week poster with.
And, I got a call back on an application and set up a job interview for tomorrow. Wish me luck, I might just get it.
Life is good.
Everything IS much better today. I only got woken up three times last night by the kiddos, took another nap this morning, and another this afternoon. Sleep always helps. And a nice conversation with my man helped too.
And I realized that it might be helpful for y'all to know really where I'm at. On a scale of 0-100, with 0 being no depression whatsoever and 100 being properly diagnosed as clinically depressed and in need of intervention.... I was at about 1,000 for 18 months after Jonnie was born and my anxiety levels were at 10,000. Yesterday -- I was about 20. Today, I'm at a 1. No big deal.
Today I laughed, I joked, I sang. Three songs in fact - all with my kids. We played Boggle and listened to Carolina give her oral report on the Statue of Liberty for Family Night, after reading the prophet Joseph Smith's teachings on prayer. I played hide and seek with Jonnie and his blanket before bedtime, went shopping with Tali and Ty, and bought posterboard to make Daisy's student of the week poster with.
And, I got a call back on an application and set up a job interview for tomorrow. Wish me luck, I might just get it.
Life is good.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Seizures
Taliesin had another seizure yesterday morning. Many of you might remember that he had some about a year ago, and after mega testing, nothing could be found wrong. The doctors decided that it was his response to injury or perceived trauma. Gratefully, that's all it is. No major medical issues, he just goes into a seizure when another person might get a bit dizzy or possibly faint.
It stresses me out. Big time.
I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again. This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too. After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.
I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens. I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.
But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.
You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in. I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.
I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress. I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this. I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.
I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out. It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this. I'll be okay. I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today. I miss him so much.
Typing and writing it down helps though. I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps. I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful. Ever so grateful.
I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy. It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
It stresses me out. Big time.
I remain calm, take care of him while he is convulsing, and reassure him when he comes to again. This time he went into shock afterward, and I even dealt with that calmly too. After he was stable, I smiled, told him everything would be fine, reminded him that he is okay, and babied him for a bit until he felt better and was back up playing with the kids and reading books.
I'm grateful I know how to help him when this happens. I'm grateful we still had insurance to do the testing the first time this happened. I'm grateful that the burns on his fingers yesterday were minor and easily treatable. I'm grateful it's such a minor thing to deal with.
But while it might be minor physiologically, it is major stress on me emotionally, and I wish someone were here to reassure me.
You see it's not the only seizure I'm dealing with. Depression is seizing my heart again today. I can't let it. I can't give in. I'm fighting it. I'm not going to cave. I won't let my life go back to that sinkhole. I refuse to let the stress and discouragement take over. I will claw my way out of its grips fighting tooth and nail. I won't go back there.
I'm filling my life with service and gratitude and hope. I'm insisting on being better. But I'm also angry. I'm angry that I'm fighting this right now after I've made so much progress. I'm angry that I can't curl up in a ball on Ryan's lap and have him tell me everything will be okay, and that I'll get through this. I'm angry that I can't change the fact that he can't be here right now.
I know this is temporary. I know that it is just a new twist in the road and that I'll straighten myself out. It's just the stress of the last couple days getting to me. It's just for today. Tomorrow I'll be find. I know that I'm being a wimp. I know there are millions of people dealing with something so much harder and bigger than my temporary grief. I know that I will get through this. I'll be okay. I just miss having someone here to help me through my seizures, today. I miss him so much.
Typing and writing it down helps though. I don't need anyone to listen, just expressing it helps. I have God's grace and love and reassurance that I will be okay, and that with His help I am stronger than this. And I'm grateful. Ever so grateful.
I'll sleep. I'll eat better. I'll drink more water. I'll take my vitamins. I'll serve others more thoughtfully. I'll pray for my children. I'll pray for my man. I'll be okay. I'll throw myself into my projects and find more trust. More patience. More love. More empathy. More kindness. More temperance. I'll push the emptiness out of my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy. It's Thanksgiving. I am thankful. I won't let today become me. I am better than this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Falling Leaves
Outside, the leaves are falling. Of course, you know this. Who could not notice the brilliant shades of yellow, orange, and red that are beginning to cover the leaves. Well, I suppose for those of you up north you saw all this long ago and your trees are bare... but down here in the land of sunshine, it's still happening. I love autumn leaves and autumn colors. I love that the change is so visible, and so beautiful. From a distance, the whole tree is alive with vivid color. Mountainsides look warm and bright with clusters of flaming autumn leaves.
If you walk into our house and look into the family room, you'll see great big paper autumn leaves hanging all over the wall. It's our family project for the next two weeks... not letting helpful things people do "fall" unnoticed. We are to write down anything those good deeds we see others do on the big leaves for everyone to see. It's kind of fun to see what the kids notice. My hope is that this will begin to effect a change within our family that is also visible, and beautiful. Not that my kids aren't great and helpful already, but our family is ready for a new season. I hope it is one of brilliant shades of giving, loving, and helpfulness without being asked.
I'm also ready for a change within my own heart. One with more temperance, more patience, more compassion, more smiles. One with fewer loud voices, fewer demanding tones. I hope the summer shades of rich green life mellow to warm tones of sweet honey, glowing amber, soft brown sugar, and rich cranberry.
Walk with me through the autumn time with warmth in your heart for all mankind. Be good and kind, and helpful, and true. May there be peace in me, and peace in you.
If you walk into our house and look into the family room, you'll see great big paper autumn leaves hanging all over the wall. It's our family project for the next two weeks... not letting helpful things people do "fall" unnoticed. We are to write down anything those good deeds we see others do on the big leaves for everyone to see. It's kind of fun to see what the kids notice. My hope is that this will begin to effect a change within our family that is also visible, and beautiful. Not that my kids aren't great and helpful already, but our family is ready for a new season. I hope it is one of brilliant shades of giving, loving, and helpfulness without being asked.
I'm also ready for a change within my own heart. One with more temperance, more patience, more compassion, more smiles. One with fewer loud voices, fewer demanding tones. I hope the summer shades of rich green life mellow to warm tones of sweet honey, glowing amber, soft brown sugar, and rich cranberry.
Walk with me through the autumn time with warmth in your heart for all mankind. Be good and kind, and helpful, and true. May there be peace in me, and peace in you.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday comes too fast.
It should be no surprise that I'm not the most excited person to dress up for Halloween. If I am going to draw attention to myself -- I'd rather not be dressed up as a clown while doing so. There's also the whole part about Halloween that I just don't see anything positive being celebrated by people walking around as witches, skeletons, and zombies. It's also silly to tell your kids all year not to take candy from strangers, and then send them to as many houses as their little legs can carry to ask for candy from strangers. If I really am in the Halloween Grinch mode, I could also go into the history of the "holiday" and how it really started.... but I don't want to be too preachy.
Suffice it to say Halloween is not my favorite holiday.
And therefore, I have not been ultra prepared for it. On Thursday night, Carolina starts asking me to come to the Halloween party at school tomorrow, and do we have any crowns she can wear as part of her costume. It's 8:30 at night and I am working on editing the photos of a wedding that I've promised will be ready for proofs this weekend.
As Carolina is talking, I am thinking"Why are they celebrating Halloween in the middle of the week? I don't understand why they would have the kids dress up already? Tomorrow is Wednesday, this is crazy. Why don't they wait til Friday for the Halloween parties?"
"MOM! It IS Friday tomorrow. Today is THURSDAY!"
News to me! I don't know where my brain has been all week but I am completely thinking that I still have 3 days to figure out costumes AND finish editing several hundred photos I've promised would be ready. Why am I always doing stuff like this???
Gratefully -- Amanda came to the rescue! She turned my little girls into fairies, and hot glued smarties to pants for two of the boys turning them into "Smartie Pants". The other three went as cowboys and a cowgirl. All while I edited away. So -- thanks Amanda!!
And here is a sneak peak of Shawn and Ananda's very non-traditional wedding.
 |
 Vows... |
  |
| Family Medallion |
 |
| Remembering Mother... |
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Teacups
You know the Alice in Wonderland "Teacup" ride at Disneyland? The one where you sit in the teacups and they spin one way real fast and then the larger part of the ride that the teacup is sitting on is spinning the opposite way? It's supposed to be fun but really it isn't because your body and head get so confused that just from looking at it - your lunch wants to revolt and your stomach turns inside out.
Well, that's how life feels lately.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of really good things happening lately. And there are a lot more great things coming our way, I'm sure. Just like the ride LOOKS pretty and fun when it's holding still and you really are able to stand in one place and look at the different parts of it. There are good things with Ryan's job, sheesh, the fact that he has a job is a good thing. Amanda is here, and that's a great thing! Let's face it, I have some pretty awesome kids too, and all of them are healthy and doing well. I have friends and family who love and care about me, I have nothing to complain about, and I'm not complaining.
The teacup ride in my life is more coming from inside my head.
My heart is reaching in one direction, my life is spinning in the other, both seem to be going positive directions, and I have no control over changing the direction of either, though I'm not necessarily sure I want it anyway. Strangely at times, they seem in synch with each other, simply because I feel my Father's hand guiding each. But here's the deal...
I'm really more of a rollercoaster girl than a teacup rider.
I'd just rather be moving forward instead of spinning round and round, even if sometimes I'm holding on for dear life. Partly I'm scared. Forward in either direction takes me farther from the other direction. And yet both paths take me where I want to go. Still, while I shouldn't feel conflict over the choices before me - I do.
And while my life is spinning, my emotions ARE on the rollercoaster, and that's that part that's hardest to take. I'll be energetic and capable one moment, and deflated and weighed down the next. I'll be filled with encouragement and hope one moment, and paralyzed by inability and concern the next. I'll be enjoying the kids and happy at the interaction one moment, and overwhelmed and needing a minute to myself the next. The teacups I know, need to spin a while longer. If I try to speed the process up, I'll just end up with flying saucers and broken glass, and that's no good for anyone. I trust that before too long, everything will be sorted out. I won't be left spinning forever. But the next moment my heart seizes with fear that I will be spinning for what feels like forever even if it isn't -- or that I'll at least be dizzy.
Move forward in this direction? Or that direction? Sell the business? Or give it time hoping something else will work out? Pursue another job? Cut back on the ones I've got? Continue the long distance but more stability? Or have him working closer to home, but who knows for how long before the work runs out? Put effort into particular friendships? Or let the house go and move back near the friends who I miss so much? Pay this bill? Or that bill? Let this one go? Or that one go? To curl up in a ball on the couch? Or push past that instinct to become something else?
I don't know. I'm tired.
Maybe the teacups will stop spinning while I sleep.
Well, that's how life feels lately.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of really good things happening lately. And there are a lot more great things coming our way, I'm sure. Just like the ride LOOKS pretty and fun when it's holding still and you really are able to stand in one place and look at the different parts of it. There are good things with Ryan's job, sheesh, the fact that he has a job is a good thing. Amanda is here, and that's a great thing! Let's face it, I have some pretty awesome kids too, and all of them are healthy and doing well. I have friends and family who love and care about me, I have nothing to complain about, and I'm not complaining.
The teacup ride in my life is more coming from inside my head.
My heart is reaching in one direction, my life is spinning in the other, both seem to be going positive directions, and I have no control over changing the direction of either, though I'm not necessarily sure I want it anyway. Strangely at times, they seem in synch with each other, simply because I feel my Father's hand guiding each. But here's the deal...
I'm really more of a rollercoaster girl than a teacup rider.
I'd just rather be moving forward instead of spinning round and round, even if sometimes I'm holding on for dear life. Partly I'm scared. Forward in either direction takes me farther from the other direction. And yet both paths take me where I want to go. Still, while I shouldn't feel conflict over the choices before me - I do.
And while my life is spinning, my emotions ARE on the rollercoaster, and that's that part that's hardest to take. I'll be energetic and capable one moment, and deflated and weighed down the next. I'll be filled with encouragement and hope one moment, and paralyzed by inability and concern the next. I'll be enjoying the kids and happy at the interaction one moment, and overwhelmed and needing a minute to myself the next. The teacups I know, need to spin a while longer. If I try to speed the process up, I'll just end up with flying saucers and broken glass, and that's no good for anyone. I trust that before too long, everything will be sorted out. I won't be left spinning forever. But the next moment my heart seizes with fear that I will be spinning for what feels like forever even if it isn't -- or that I'll at least be dizzy.
Move forward in this direction? Or that direction? Sell the business? Or give it time hoping something else will work out? Pursue another job? Cut back on the ones I've got? Continue the long distance but more stability? Or have him working closer to home, but who knows for how long before the work runs out? Put effort into particular friendships? Or let the house go and move back near the friends who I miss so much? Pay this bill? Or that bill? Let this one go? Or that one go? To curl up in a ball on the couch? Or push past that instinct to become something else?
I don't know. I'm tired.
Maybe the teacups will stop spinning while I sleep.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Cake Boss
Ry's been out of town for most of the past month. And when he's gone, I'm not really myself. Or maybe I'm my true self... hmmm. Either way -- I have let stress take over my life and heart and I have not been ready yet to sit down and do some introspection and sort out my heart and mind. Instead, I've watched both seasons of Cake Boss on Netflix. Yes, every episode. Pretty interesting show - although I am a bit of a baking addict already -- he definitely has some stuff I'm going to try.
I have done a couple good things though. I went through the kitchen, dining, and family room and deep cleaned and dusted. A chore long overdue. We weren't sure if I had a grey fan or a white fan in the kitchen! (It's white again. Yay!)
Well -- that's my boring blog post for the day. Someday soon I'll get back into a good blogging mood. Maybe it will be the same day I want to pick up my camera again :)
I have done a couple good things though. I went through the kitchen, dining, and family room and deep cleaned and dusted. A chore long overdue. We weren't sure if I had a grey fan or a white fan in the kitchen! (It's white again. Yay!)
Well -- that's my boring blog post for the day. Someday soon I'll get back into a good blogging mood. Maybe it will be the same day I want to pick up my camera again :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
