I'm so tired. I've been tired since I woke up this morning. But since I woke up this morning, my mind has not held still. My neck feels twisted in three directions, pulled one way, then the next, with tension and pain. My head wants to explode. But my mind won't stop.
I'm stressed. Today was bill day. Paying bills, talking with customer service agents who don't have a clue. Getting the runaround. Trying to make dollars stretch and maneuver in ways they shouldn't have to. Fitting everything in should be easy - but it hasn't been ... not today.
I'm also supposed to be ready to go north for Thanksgiving. I want to see family. I want to visit with friends. I really, really miss my husband. I will love seeing my sweet chili peppers that already went north a couple days ago. I keep picturing their happy faces and just want one of Daisy's tight hugs and a kiss on the cheek. I just want them all to drive down here, instead of me drive up there.
I go back and forth from the lists inside my head of everything that needs to be done, must be done, should be done, ought to be done, and could be done ... to the picture of me driving on icy winter roads with snow blowing, stressing out about every time I have to put on the brakes or accelerate. My breathing becomes tight and shallow, my eyes lose focus, my shoulders tense up, and a great pressure begins pushing on the bridge of my nose and between my eyes. I can't focus, I can't think, and the cold blizzard that is supposed to be on the way in is weighing on my chest.
It doesn't make sense, does it. No, I know it doesn't. It's illogical - but let me explain.
After Jonnie was born, one of the things that happened right after I snapped mentally was I had to drive back from Salt Lake in a winter storm, to our house in Roosevelt. All the kids were with me, the babies were crying, it was cold and dark and snowy as we went up Parley's Canyon, over Daniel's icy summit, and across the snow blown roads by Strawberry Reservoir. I didn't want to drive, but circumstances necessitated it. I have driven those roads so many times, in wind, rain, snow, ice, and sunshine. I've driven alone and with all the kids on road trips here, there, and everywhere... and especially on those roads. We're experienced travelers, and I'm not typically afraid of driving. Yet that particular time, it stressed me out beyond belief. My anxiety was over the top, my frazzled nerves came unravelled, and another part of my mind went "snap!" - like a twig on a frozen night.
I was petrified of driving from that point forward, and for about two months afterward, I didn't drive at all. Anywhere. It was a blessing in disguise really, that I couldn't drive, because I sank low enough and became so turned around in my mind that I would have driven off (is it drived? drove? that's really bothering me that I don't know the proper verb tense for that word. Somebody with a dictionary or an English major help me out.) anyway... driven off and probably never came back.
Driving.
What a stupid thing to struggle with.
There wasn't even anything dangerous or life threatening that happened.
Why get upset?
And even more stinging - I'm past that! So why is tomorrow's drive bothering me so much!?!
Why am I letting this storm yank my chain and get me rattled?
Why am I letting my own inability to calm my thoughts and focus on what there is to do right now get the best of me?
Why can't I sleep?
I don't know. But right now, this is who I am. Stressed, illogical, frazzled, and unthinking. Yet, it's still me. At least right now.
The Advil is kicking in now though, and the ache in my brain is slowly receding. And as it does, sleep is rolling in.
Good thing.
I need it.
Peace out, I'm going to sleep.
Rachel
I'm stressed. Today was bill day. Paying bills, talking with customer service agents who don't have a clue. Getting the runaround. Trying to make dollars stretch and maneuver in ways they shouldn't have to. Fitting everything in should be easy - but it hasn't been ... not today.
I'm also supposed to be ready to go north for Thanksgiving. I want to see family. I want to visit with friends. I really, really miss my husband. I will love seeing my sweet chili peppers that already went north a couple days ago. I keep picturing their happy faces and just want one of Daisy's tight hugs and a kiss on the cheek. I just want them all to drive down here, instead of me drive up there.
I go back and forth from the lists inside my head of everything that needs to be done, must be done, should be done, ought to be done, and could be done ... to the picture of me driving on icy winter roads with snow blowing, stressing out about every time I have to put on the brakes or accelerate. My breathing becomes tight and shallow, my eyes lose focus, my shoulders tense up, and a great pressure begins pushing on the bridge of my nose and between my eyes. I can't focus, I can't think, and the cold blizzard that is supposed to be on the way in is weighing on my chest.
It doesn't make sense, does it. No, I know it doesn't. It's illogical - but let me explain.
After Jonnie was born, one of the things that happened right after I snapped mentally was I had to drive back from Salt Lake in a winter storm, to our house in Roosevelt. All the kids were with me, the babies were crying, it was cold and dark and snowy as we went up Parley's Canyon, over Daniel's icy summit, and across the snow blown roads by Strawberry Reservoir. I didn't want to drive, but circumstances necessitated it. I have driven those roads so many times, in wind, rain, snow, ice, and sunshine. I've driven alone and with all the kids on road trips here, there, and everywhere... and especially on those roads. We're experienced travelers, and I'm not typically afraid of driving. Yet that particular time, it stressed me out beyond belief. My anxiety was over the top, my frazzled nerves came unravelled, and another part of my mind went "snap!" - like a twig on a frozen night.
I was petrified of driving from that point forward, and for about two months afterward, I didn't drive at all. Anywhere. It was a blessing in disguise really, that I couldn't drive, because I sank low enough and became so turned around in my mind that I would have driven off (is it drived? drove? that's really bothering me that I don't know the proper verb tense for that word. Somebody with a dictionary or an English major help me out.) anyway... driven off and probably never came back.
Driving.
What a stupid thing to struggle with.
There wasn't even anything dangerous or life threatening that happened.
Why get upset?
And even more stinging - I'm past that! So why is tomorrow's drive bothering me so much!?!
Why am I letting this storm yank my chain and get me rattled?
Why am I letting my own inability to calm my thoughts and focus on what there is to do right now get the best of me?
Why can't I sleep?
I don't know. But right now, this is who I am. Stressed, illogical, frazzled, and unthinking. Yet, it's still me. At least right now.
The Advil is kicking in now though, and the ache in my brain is slowly receding. And as it does, sleep is rolling in.
Good thing.
I need it.
Peace out, I'm going to sleep.
Rachel
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